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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
squoosh · 18/04/2014 13:20

OfaFrenchMind and what about her comments that the grandparents are 'commiting a sexual act' on her child? Are you also in agreement with that?

OfaFrenchMind · 18/04/2014 13:35

I don't think she means she actually thinks they are violating her kid, but from a remote, irrational point of view, if she associates automatically a kiss on the mouth with romantic and/or sexual situations (as do I, btw), she cannot help but juxtapose this to a perfectly innocent situation. She knows it's innocent and clean (because, well, mouth hygiene can be in question), but she still feels disgusted when she sees it.
And I guess she does not want to feel disgusted whenever she see her PIL with her daughter. I can really empathise with her on this, even if there would never be a question of suspicion.

I really think that on this forum, you like to jump on anything, a word, an expression, or whatever to twist it until the initial meaning is lost. You all got into a frenzy because of a badly worded feeling.
In the end, the kid is loved very much, and can be adored and shown affection without being kissed on the mouth, as per the mom's preference.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 18/04/2014 13:37

Can't begin to think what the op thinks of breast feeding

OfaFrenchMind · 18/04/2014 13:38

And to be frank, if the GPs are crushed, "will lose all trust toward the mom" and "will feel incapable of showing affection to the daughter" because of that, then they are fucking needy and incapable of seeing from another person POV. So it could be argued they are selfish and ridiculous.

Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 13:41

It's not as though the grandparents are to be told not to kiss the baby at all, just to kiss her on the cheek instead of on the lips.

squoosh · 18/04/2014 13:42

'I really think that on this forum, you like to jump on anything, a word, an expression, or whatever to twist it until the initial meaning is lost. You all got into a frenzy because of a badly worded feeling.'

No one put words in her mouth, it's pretty clear that's how she views it.

SweetSilverSongOfALark · 18/04/2014 14:07

Bloody hell! A sex act Confused

Martorana · 18/04/2014 14:36

"I really think that on this forum, you like to jump on anything, a word, an expression, or whatever to twist it until the initial meaning is lost. You all got into a frenzy because of a badly worded feeling."
In what way am I misinterpreting "watching somebody commit a sex act on my child"?

NurseyWursey · 18/04/2014 14:45

A sex act?! Well I have been 'abused' many of times if this is the case. How utterly ridiculous and undermining of real cases of abuse.

PorkPieandPickle · 18/04/2014 15:12

I saw your point originally OP, and might have agreed with you had you said it was for hygiene reasons or because they were smokers, but

'I'm afraid that I am never, ever going to ' suck it up' and overide my protective instinct and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child'

This is one of the most shocking things I've read on mn. YABU, and i think you need serious help OP.

Beastofburden · 18/04/2014 15:37

love Grin

thegreylady · 18/04/2014 15:51

How do we feel about grandma blowing raspberries on baby tummies? I tend not to go in for lip kisses but if they are offered by dgc I recipricate. I go in for kisses on hheks, necks and any bit I can reach accompanied by giggling dgc and lots of cuddles. I have evn been known to blow very loud raspberries on newly bathed bums.....under ones only of course. I doubt my 16 year old dgs or 14 year old dgds would be very co-operative though.
If op doesn't like lip kisses she should just say she is a bit anxious about germs and would rather the gp just kissed her cheeks for now.

cardibach · 18/04/2014 16:07

I'm with smartypants. Gruntfuttock and OfaFrenchMind. It's about the way the OP feels about the act. And I'm another one who has no family or friends who would kiss a kid on the lips anyway, so along with those on the thread and the Europeans Ofa mentions, we aren't so freaky, are we?
Breast feeding is clearly different - it's a function which can't be done with any other part of the body, for a start, while kissing on a cheek hurts no-one. Raspberries are also very different, for reasons it shouldn't be necessary to explain.
I also think the subtle change many of you have made from the OPs 'sexual' to 'sex' shows either a lack of understanding (the OPs implies her interpretation/automatic thought, I think) or a deliberate attempt to stir things up.
Still annoyed by the implication from many that if you don't kiss your kid on the lips you can't be showing any affection at all - weird!

squoosh · 18/04/2014 16:09

The OP needs therapy.

LtColGrinch · 18/04/2014 16:15

For the last time, I'm not asking which side of the line your opinion is on, I was asking how do you broach an issue where you're on opposite sides of the line.

Actually you are because you posted in "am I being unreasonable" and so people will tell you if they think you are being unreasonable and weird

Maybe you should have posted in another section?

drivenmadbyparents · 18/04/2014 16:15

Agree with you cardi

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 16:20

while kissing on a cheek hurts no-one

And a kiss on the lips hurts someone how?

thebodydoestricks · 18/04/2014 16:28

I actually stopped looking at this ridiculous thread but decided to look again.

I see the op now calls the kiss from kind and lovely grandparents a sex act.

Seriously op if you are for real please access some professional help because you need it.

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 16:30

There are a lot of assumptions being leapt to on this thread. I am tactile with my kids, tell them I love them, breastfed them and so on. I do not kiss them on the mouth and would be unhappy if other people had done when they were small.

Kissing on the mouth is an act that lots of people feel is too personal. I can't see why a fil or whoever would object to being told that isn't what the family does. Why would anybody have strong feelings that a child must be kissed? Surely most people would be fine with following the ways of the parents and act as they act?

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 16:35

I think its more people told we don't like the way you are physical with the child - let alone comparing it to a sexual act - which would understandably piss people off.

thebodydoestricks · 18/04/2014 16:40

I was a cm and had at that time 4 of my own children ranging from 19 down to 9.

The older two being lads.

The mindees adored them and would often jump on the lads for a puffy back and hug them. Sometimes they would grab them and give them a wet kiss and probably this occasionally ended up on the lips.

My lads were crb checked and never left alone with the children, no one was.

I absolutely shudder and despair at done of the disgusting innuendo on this thread.

Some posters should be ashamed of themselves for encouraging the op, who obviously has issues, to tackle the grandparents on this and effectively say they are abusing the baby. Couch it in any way you like that is how anyone sane would see the comments.

This will cause offence and outrage in her family and some are telling her to do this.?

Disgraceful.

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 16:42

Why Sirzy? Everybody knows parents ate protective of babies, and often have all manner of preferences, some of which are far more unusual than this. Most family members follow the wishes of parents.

And this is not an unusual situation. There have been threads on it before. I did not know before MN that there were people who kissed children on the mouth. It would be odd to me, and I would think somebody who did that to my child was being presumptious about cultural norms for my family.

Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 16:46

cardi I've been wondering how to explain how those of us who don't kiss family members on the lips feel. Maybe if those people who do imagined how they might feel if they saw a prolonged - say 20 second kiss? That would be completely different because it would be "snogging" for want of a better word, right? Yes, it would, but for those of us who have never seen a non-romantic or sexual kiss on the lips that's the kind of feeling we get even seeing a short 'peck' on the lips. OK, not as bad, granted, because most of us (with the possible exception of the OP now we've seen her most recent posts) know intellectually that the intention is the purest of love and affection and simply a difference in upbringing and experience and we have to adjust. Emotionally though, the immediate reaction is that it looks wrong and inappropriate to the relationship between the people kissing.

Sorry for the interminable and rambling sentences. Blush I'm not very articulate and it's difficult to explain.

Anyway, I agree with cardi please don't say that those of us who don't go in for kissing on the lips within our families are cold and don't display affection. All the things that thegreylady described are completely normal to me and are what I did.

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 16:47

sorry if I was told I couldn't kiss a relative because it was too much of a sexual act I would be very pissed off.

Where do you draw the line? I would rather you didn't kiss them at all - is that ok? You can't touch them? etc etc.

If you trust someone with your child why would you want to rock the boat by basically telling them you don't like them having physical contact with the child unless it is exactly how YOU want it?

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 16:49

s, it would, but for those of us who have never seen a non-romantic or sexual kiss on the lips that's the kind of feeling we get even seeing a short 'peck' on the lips.

as I said earlier in the thread do you live in a bubble? People kiss children every day. Outside any nursery or school you will see parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles kissing children on the lips.

To suggest people don't see normal day to day kisses amongst family is frankly as bizzare as suggesting its a sexual act