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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask another mum not to hit her small child?

202 replies

Marylou2 · 15/04/2014 13:08

Just that really. Whatever his alleged misdemeanor he was about 2 and she grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back. It was in the children's department of Next.I asked her to stop hitting him which to be fair she did so she could start screaming at me to mind my own business. What would you have done?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marylou2 · 15/04/2014 13:41

I'm interested to see the mixed response though a little sad to see how many people would walk past an adult hitting a child. Nolonger and Lauriefairycake I'm glad I'm not alone and I'm Hmm at a world where if she'd hit me it would be assault but hitting her own child is Ok.

OP posts:
Xihha · 15/04/2014 13:42

or, more likely, that's the standard punishment whether at home or out & about. Possibly but hitting him several times round the back and arms sounds more like she's lost her temper whilst out shopping to me rather than it being the standard punishment for whatever it was the child was doing.

nolongerbumpieorlumpie · 15/04/2014 13:42

Evans it didn't seem that way to me.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 13:43

In your situation, Marylou, I would have done the same thing (I hope, because generally I do wade in).

In our supermarket last summer, I saw a Dad get cross with his little daughter, she was about 3yrs old. He didn't hit her or anything, but she was in a little buggy and not strapped in. She'd asked him a perfectly reasonable question and he just shouted "Shut up" to her, and swung the buggy around so forcefully that she almost hurtled out of it. I was shocked, glared at him but didn't say anything, and have felt very guilty about it ever since. Maybe he was just having a bad day and it was a momentary lapse in his otherwise good fathering. What would other MN'ers have done in that situation?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 13:48

Nolongerbumpie - could you read the posts again, then. As I don't quite get what you are getting. On my own post, I quoted what the rules are and left several bemused emoticons (indicating my non-agreement), someone else quoted similar, and said something along the lines of "Ethically, that is not right". I think you haven't read accurately, or have simply misunderstood what has been said.

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 15/04/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2014 13:52

'I'm at a world where if she'd hit me it would be assault but hitting her own child is Ok'

Absolutely. You did the right thing OP and I hope I would have been brave enough to do the same.

Shame on the posters who are making excuses for this mum and saying it's 'none of your business'. Would it be fine for her to slap him across the face too? Throw him against the wall? At what point would it become your business exactly?

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 13:53

I would say something. I would find something like that impossible not to say something, actually makes my blood boil.

Amytheflag · 15/04/2014 13:58

It's a strange world where something you do to a child is okay but do it to an adult and it's assault. It's wrong. I think you were brave to intervene and risk it being turned on you. I don't know how people can excuse this woman's behaviour. So it's not illegal, so what? It's still cruel and unnecessary and shouldn't happen.

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 14:03

I would of done the same thing OP.
I once told a woman to stop hitting her son over the head. She then told me she would hit me if I bothered her again. I went to the manager of the store and told them what she was doing and the police came. It is not ok to hit a kid like that.

Elfhame · 15/04/2014 14:04

It's not illegal, but neither is telling her what you think!

If you comment on the parenting skills of strangers, you better be prepared for the repercussions though. She is entitled to have a go if you interfere with her completely legal parenting methods.

I would have ignored smacking that was not excessive, as it is her legal choice as a parent. However, if I was really concerned I would have called the police.

diddl · 15/04/2014 14:06

Well that sounds more like an assault done in temper than a smack to discipline.

whatever5 · 15/04/2014 14:11

I wouldn't have intervened unless I thought she was doing something illegal in which case I would have called the police rather than speaking to her.

I don't think that it was your job to tell the mother off and you may not have done the child any favours. You may have made things worse for the child if she was subsequently in a worse mood because you interfered.

Nennypops · 15/04/2014 14:13

I think it's at least debatable whether it's legal. What the law allows is reasonable chastisement. For a toddler, reasonable chastisement is basically action to stop them getting into danger or occasionally to punish them for something they know they shouldn't do. Either way, it's difficult to see how any more than one or maybe two slaps can be 'reasonable' when you're dealing with a toddler. Certainly I think social services would take this sort of conduct pretty seriously.

HighwayRat · 15/04/2014 14:16

I had a woman tell me once that I was digusting for smacking my dds hand. She got a Hmm face and a 'how I discipline my child is none of your business'. If I saw a woman (or man) smack a child once I'd probably offer a wry smile and a 'one of those days eh?' but multiple smacks I'd probably say something, not entirely sure what though.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2014 14:19

I have intervened before - a little boy (3? 4?) was in the way of the entrance to a shop I was going in to. He didn't move out of the way quick enough for his dad's liking. Anyway, he got a sharp smack and told to "move out of the fucking way, you stupid boy". I saw red and told asked him not to speak to his child like that. I was given a barrage of abuse, but felt I'd done the right thing... until I thought more and worried that by "embarrassing" the dad, had I made things worse for that little boy? Would he have got it in the neck behind closed doors? Bastard Angry

rinabean · 15/04/2014 14:19

How many of you bleating about 'making it worse for the child' were abused children?

Abused children think their parents are normal and every child is treated that way and no-one has a problem with it. Telling them otherwise, that it's NOT okay and that other people DO care is one of the most important things you can do.

Seriously what is your reasoning? "Oh no, don't say anything as she hits him. She might hit him again, or harder, which she surely never would if you don't intervene because she's obviously a good parent who doesn't hit her children"

OP YANBU, don't think for a moment that you were. I hope he remembers what you did

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2014 14:20

If I saw a woman (or man) smack a child once I'd probably offer a wry smile and a 'one of those days eh?'

This is you being sarcastic, right? I mean, you wouldn't actually collude in that sort of behaviour, no?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 14:22

I don't think that it was your job to tell the mother off and you may not have done the child any favours. You may have made things worse for the child if she was subsequently in a worse mood because you interfered.

This. There are plenty of things that I think are appalling and shouldn't be allowed (walking along smoking while you push a pram as an example) and are probably damaging to a child, but I don't say anything because it's just not OK to mouth off about someone's parenting when they aren't, technically, breaking the law or crossing a line. If I felt like she was properly beating a small child I would probably say something, as that is over the line from reasonable punishment to abusive behaviour, but it seems like that wasn't the case here (or borderline it wasn't the case). I don't agree with smacking and I do think it's about a loss of control on the part of the parent, but I understand that it is something some parents do and find effective with their children. I can pick my toddler up and physically force him to get in the car to go home. I can't do that to my husband because it would be assault and kidnapping. We don't apply the same rules to children and adults all the time, because it isn't appropriate to all the time.

And it wont be outlawed because as much as people might froth over it, a smack on the hand or bum occasionally for breaking a rule etc, is not abuse.

sebsmummy1 · 15/04/2014 14:23

I would have to be there I think to know how bad it was as to whether I felt the need to intervene.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 14:25

If I felt like she was properly beating a small child I would probably say something

You would probably say something? WTAF?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 14:27

Depends on the situation. Who I was with, where I was etc, if I felt that I would be putting myself or my own child in danger I wouldn't necessarily confront someone but would see if there was another way to report them (to the police) rather than approaching them directly.

HighwayRat · 15/04/2014 14:28

No avon, smacking is perfectly acceptable to me. It's not a popular opinion on here, but a smack is not abuse. So yes I'd offer a helpful smile or word to a parent who is having to discipline in public, just as I would to a parent who is ignoring a tantrumming child.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2014 14:31

'but I don't say anything because it's just not OK to mouth off about someone's parenting when they aren't, technically, breaking the law or crossing a line'

You really don't think that whacking a 2 year old several times is crossing a line? What part of that behaviour is reasonable?

'but I understand that it is something some parents do and find effective with their children.'

If by 'find effective' you mean scaring a child into behaving a particular way. And I am no pushover by the way - I see nothing wrong with picking a toddler up and wrestling them into a car seat if necessary. There is a world of difference between that and lashing out at a child in anger.

Avon, whatever may have happened behind closed doors was nothing to do with you - it would have been a choice that dad made. I think you absolutely did the right thing in sticking up for that little boy.

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 14:32

If that's what she's like in public what the fuck is she like behind closed doors? YWDNBU. Its our job as adults to protect children. I was physically abused and constantly screamed at and nobody did anything about it. Just let her carry on punching me in the face etc etc.

I would have said something and I also would habe reported her to the police.