AIBU to ask another mum not to hit her small child?

[Marylou2]

Just that really. Whatever his alleged misdemeanor he was about 2 and she grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back. It was in the children's department of Next.I asked her to stop hitting him which to be fair she did so she could start screaming at me to mind my own business. What would you have done?

[Kendodd]

70isa

If hitting children was illegal (as it inevitability will be soon) would you have had the same response? Can I ask all the 'mind your own' and supporters of the right to hit posters would they still have walked by WHEN hitting children is illegal?

I ask this as somebody who has hit one of my children once, and don't even regret it. It was in the car, she did something really dangerous, I only had one hand free because I had to keep one hand on the wheel but had to make her stop immediately.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

When my DS was (IIRC 9-10 ) he was arseing about, chasing DD and running across me.
He dived off into a shop in front of an elderly man on two sticks.
I grabbed DS. I gave him a whack across the backside.
I didn't have time to say "be careful you don't knock into that man"
If I'd just grabbed him, he'd have twisted out of my grasp.

And if anyone - anyone- had said anything I'd have told them to FUCK RIGHT OFF mind their own.

But- my DS was not a toddler.
I think with a small child it's different

[EttaJ]

I think you did the right thing OP - like has been pointed out - if the mother is happy to do that in public what on earth does she do behind closed doors?! It's everyone's responsibility to take a stand in situations like that - I could not ignore such abuse and that's what it is. She's happy enough to DO it in public she should fully expect to be challenged by her poor behaviour.

[LoonvanBoon]

This must have been horrible to witness & I would have done the same as you, marylou. I'd have worried about making things worse, but couldn't have stood by without doing anything.

I also agree completely with shakey, that a parent so out of control when in public is likely to be even more abusive in private - utterly depressing thought.

It's also depressing, as Funlovingbunster says, to find that people would a) quibble about the legality or otherwise of hurting a child & b)have such a "mind your own business" mentality about it.

[struggling100]

I was smacked often as a child, and my Mum would occasionally lose control and really belt me with her fists flying. She did the best she could under difficult circumstances (illness and depression), but I think she found parenting very challenging. The physical abuse was accompanied by constant emotional abuse, often with inappropriate sexual comments (I was a 'whore' for wearing makeup, I would be trying to 'give all the men a great eyeful' if I wore a dress etc).

She continued to hit me into my late teens, and has used the fact that I sometimes fought back to scapegoat me as the 'violent' one of the family. I find the fact that this behaviour was never acknowledged as any kind of abuse quite difficult to deal with even today. I am very glad that people are out there challenging smacking in public, because in my case and I think in many others it was the thin end of a hidden wedge.

[Dutch1e]

Anyone who smacks another human being needs help. I mean that honestly - I smacked my eldest on occasion and I genuinely needed support and skills.

OP, you did the right thing. Rage lasts about 13 seconds on average and by deflecting that onto yourself you saved a little one from pain. I've done the same thing, by tapping the mum on the shoulder and asking if I could help. She accepted the offer but the look on her face when she first whirled around was fucking terrifying and I don't scare easily. I can't imagine how her daughter felt.

I now live in one of those countries where smacking is illegal. The wording is "In the care and upbringing of the child the parents will not use emotional or physical violence or any other humiliating treatment."

I can't tell you what a relief it is to walk down streets where kids are being spoken to instead of smacked around.

[Aventurine]

Where on earth has anyone said that they are a perfect parent because they don't smack or that not smacking is the only thing that's necessary to be a good parent?

[horsetowater]

Of course it's not just physical assault on a child that's damaging - harsh words, shouting, ignoring, excluding, neglecting are all just as damaging. Smacking is just one of those things.

Quite often parents think they are doing it for the good of the child - the point is it isn't necessary and sometimes, although not always, it is damaging.

I frequently hear when I'm out 'wait til you get home and I'll give you a smacking'. What's that all about? If you're going to smack them why wait til they get home? If it's such a great punishment why not do it right then and there in the street/shop/park?

[Lottapianos]

Smack her baby son to 'make him' stay in his cot? Jesus Christ. Words fail me. Not surprised you blew.

[lazypepper]

I fell out with a friend many years ago, because of this very thing.

She would smack her baby son, to get him to stay in his cot and go to sleep.

I blew.

V strange people out there.

[sebsmummy1]

Hey Cupid I'm not having a go. I think your parenting style sounds fantastic. I just wanted to highlight the fact that good parenting is more than one thing and I would hate for some parents to think they are doing a fabulous job because they aren't smacking, when actually they are failing their children in an entirely different way.

[Cupid5tunt]

But your father's parenting isn't a style I adopt and neither is your mother's. I don't shout at my child unless she does something dangerous, for example trying to run across a road. The tone of my voice is enough to stop her in her tracks because she doesn't ever hear me speak like that.

I don't have to hit my daughter as a warning something is dangerous I have to shout one word 'don't'.

You can justify smacking till your blue in the face. Smacking is hitting, hitting is a violent reaction. I wouldn't smack my dog there is no way I'd smack my child.

I'll ask the question from up thread again, the people who smack their children, would you be happy for someone else to while your child is in their care? Friends and family. Would you discipline someone else's child who was in your care with a smack?

[sebsmummy1]

I've been thinking a lot about this thread the last few days as I was smacked occasionally as a child and I have smacked my toddlers hand when he has done something I consider dangerous and I want him to recognise it was not to be repeated (he managed to open the front door yesterday for the first time for example).

I think it's all well and good to berate parents for smacking and exclaim them to be scumbags. But I really think parenting is do much more than pockets of behaviour.

I have said on these threads before that I had a Mother who was maternal and loved us to the moon and back. She occasionally smacked us. I adored her and still do. I had a Father who never raised a hand to us, and yet I was scared of him. He had a volatile temper and could bellow and send me hurtling up the stairs at the drop of a hat having done nothing of note.

So for everyone warm in their perfect-parenting-blanket who congratulate themselves for never raising a hand. Can I gently remind you it is so so so much more than that. It is loving consistency, warm cuddles, soft words, praise and encouragement, routine, security, please don't get too smug that you are all doing a fantastic job. Non-physical discipline can be extremely damaging, particularly when it's inconsistent.

[Aventurine]

I don't advocate smacking - but I advocate not harassing random strangers in the street doing the best they can even more.

God help that poor child if that was the mum doing the best she could.

[Aventurine]

Hitting a 2 year old several times on his arms and back is not a valid parenting style, it is shit parenting.

[horsetowater]

YANBU and I think that child was very pleased you put yourself out for him. I'm sure this will have made a difference in his life.

[Nennypops]

SirChenjin, can you think back to occasions when your parents smacked you? Can you remember how you felt about it at the time? Did you ever resent it? Did they only ever smack you when you deserved it and there was absolutely no other alternative, or did they occasionally do it unjustly or because they'd lost their temper or couldn't be bothered to use other discipline methods? If the latter, did it affect your respect for them at all?

[ElseaStars]

Hitting a child might not always be illegal but it should be and it is immoral. Harming children = bad. Thats not rocket science.

[Nennypops]

Do you think that the occasional smack equals parental violence?

Try putting that question differently. Do you think that if I went round the streets administering the occasional smack to other people's children I might be regarded as violent?

[FunLovinBunster]

I am amazed at all the quibbling re legal vs illegal. A child was being harmed FFS.
And the "I would have minded my own business" mentality.
OP YANBU. Some of the posts on this thread are ridiculous.

[Shakey1500]

I haven't read the whole thread (yet) but in response to the OP..

I would have definitely said something. It's just appalling. I don't give a rat's arse whether I'm deemed to be sticking my nose in on someone else's "parenting style". As said, if she's willing to hit a child several times in public then what the hell is going on behind closed doors? And even with benefit of the doubt that she's flipped, it's still wrong.

Poor child

[SirChenjin]

You are, of course, welcome to think what you like.

[RedandChecker]

I think this 'conversation' with you is pointless, you are not willing to give any experience of either or, not offer any argument and not engaging in any questions and answers. I think you are the one being unclear, not other posters.

[SirChenjin]

No, let's keep to the facts and let's not assume anything about each other, OK?

[RedandChecker]

Yes, ofcourse, hitting is violence, to a defenseless child or to an adult or to an animal, or to a wall, it is an act of violence - If you don't agree I would assume you are desensitised to this.