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AIBU?

AIBU to ask another mum not to hit her small child?

202 replies

Marylou2 · 15/04/2014 13:08

Just that really. Whatever his alleged misdemeanor he was about 2 and she grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back. It was in the children's department of Next.I asked her to stop hitting him which to be fair she did so she could start screaming at me to mind my own business. What would you have done?

OP posts:

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HighwayEgg · 15/04/2014 15:05

I wouldn't allow any adult to 'discipline' me. Would you allow an adult to not allow you watch tv? Take your phone off you? Force you to wash your face or brush your teeth? Get in a car? Sit on a step away from everyone? No of course you wouldn't, so are you saying that because I wouldn't allow another adult to do these things I shouldn't do them? If it was up to dd she would never brush her teeth or wear shoes, so I shouldn't make her, no?

Please tell me where I said I can do what I want?

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 15:06

There is a difference between everything you just mentioned and actually raising your hand to a child.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:07

Can you read the part where I said I don't do it and don't think it's great parenting? I just don't think it's automatically child abuse. I, personally, think that it's illogical parenting.

HighwayEgg · 15/04/2014 15:07

Cupid it would be dv to discipline your dp at all.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/04/2014 15:07

Hitting a child equals abuse according to the nspcc

There is no other word for it. It isn't punishment, correction or chastisement , or done for there own benefit in any way.

Putting a child force ably in a car seat is not abuse.

Kendodd · 15/04/2014 15:07

Well done OP. I would like to think I would say something, I think in reality I would probably have just given her a look, not because I think it's ok but because I'm not brave enough. As for all the people also saying they would intervene (not talking about all the people who seem to think it's fine and you should mind your own business) I wonder how many would really? I think it takes a really brave person to intervene and we should all resolve to be more brave and not walk past violence.

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 15:09

Cupid totally agree.

Reasonable physical punishment? On a child?

Would you allow your husband to use reasonable physical punishment on YOU?

No the idea disgusts you.

I don't get this attitude of "I can hit my tiny child cos its my kid but if another adult hit me I'd want them arrested"

It is so fucked up that people think this.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:09

What does it matter what the NSPCC say? The NSPCC think I should have a twee conversation with my child about what their underwear covers rather than a frank conversation about privacy and real abuse. Their opinion matters not one single fuck when it comes to what people are legally allowed to do RE parenting.

rinabean · 15/04/2014 15:12

HopALongOn The only one here who knows what happened is OP! What right do you have to claim she's a liar? She knows what she saw.

Don't start that 'liberal parenting' crap with me, there's a hell of a lot in between letting your child run everything and BEATING THEM IN PUBLIC.

You can tell OP what she saw, but I can't tell you what she typed, okay.

HighwayEgg · 15/04/2014 15:12

if another adult wanted to 'punish' me in any way I'd want them arrested. Being a smack or forcing me to do something I didnt want to do.

Davsmum · 15/04/2014 15:12

As someone said - Hitting a child is NOT discipline. Its assault.
Why people find this acceptable is baffling.

I would definitely had said something to the mother. She needs people to show her that what she is doing is out of order.
If she does that in public, Lord knows what she does in private.

Watching and ignoring is really bad!

Kendodd · 15/04/2014 15:13

I should add though, I have hit one of my children once. She did something really dangerous and I lashed out straight away to stop her and actually I can't say I feel at all guilty about it. It doesn't make it right though but I really can't think of another way I could have stopped the behaviour immediately. Despite this I would be in favour of a law banning all hitting.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 15:13

Putting a child force ably in a car seat is not abuse

That would surely depend upon how much force you have used, Laurie. Who would decide that?

HighwayEgg · 15/04/2014 15:13

I DO NOT AND CANNOT CONDONE WHAT THE WOMAN IN THE OP DID

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:13

Can I force my child into their car seat even if they are thrashing around so much that they get hurt while I do it? I caused that pain, to a tiny child, when I could have spent half an hour coaxing and cajoling them into their seat (hypothetically). I think people draw these comparisons about what we do with children and what we do with adults without remembering that children are not adults. They don't have the cognitive reasoning abilities that adults do. There are a hundred things I could do to/with my toddler that I would not be able to do to my husband (or him to me) without getting arrested.

rinabean · 15/04/2014 15:16

HopALongOn this isn't hypothetical though. This is something I and other posters on this thread have lived through. I care about children - you care about knowing exactly the maximum damage the law allows you to inflict on children, and making sure you get the most out of it like it's your holiday days.

I'm glad to know that if the perpetrators don't get arrested it's not real abuse!

Kendodd · 15/04/2014 15:16

Oh and I think this whole 'she might take it out on the child later' is a rubbish argument.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:18

The OP doesn't say how hard the woman was hitting him, or if she was slapping him or punching him etc. We've all filled in those blanks with what we imagine constitutes hitting or smacking a child. Do I think the woman in the OP was a shining model of great parenting and should be given a medal? No. Was she abusing him? I can't tell that from the OP.

Fannydabbydozey · 15/04/2014 15:18

If I has seen something like this I would have intervened and then probably burst into tears. I was smacked with an open hand - often, round the head, across the face. Sometimes backhanded. Always with malice. Those open handed smacks can really mark you, believe me. And I hate my dad for it now. Hate him. I wish someone had intervened when I was young. The neighbours must have heard... I maybe would have had the guts to tell someone.

I hate seeing people smack their children. Why teach a tiny person that hitting is ok? That hitting solves problems, that hitting gets you what you want? Because as a parent that's exactly what'd you are doing.

Smacking is just just fucking awful. It's losing control. I will never smack my kids. And I've mad it clear that if my dad ever hits mine he I'll never, ever see them again.

GarlicAprilShowers · 15/04/2014 15:19

"Abused children think their parents are normal and every child is treated that way and no-one has a problem with it. Telling them otherwise, that it's NOT okay and that other people DO care is one of the most important things you can do."

This. Absolutely. I support what you've done, OP, and have done it myself. Mainly because I want the CHILD to know another adult says it's wrong.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 15:20

Cupid it would be dv to discipline your dp at all.

Yes but reasonable resolution wouldn't be. There are certain things as parents we have to do that would be unacceptable to do to an adult (except for in the case of adults with severe SN) however these things do not involve violence of any sort.

So using your analogy if there was a man of say 30 with severe SN and he needed help with putting shoes on, brushing his teeth etc and had an aversion to these tasks would it be ok to smack him? Think you'd probably end up with a criminal record.

IMHO If you hit your children you are really scraping the bottom of the parenting barrel. Children lead by example and what is being taught to them is that hitting is an acceptable form of punishment for someone not doing what they want or for someone misbehaving. That is certainly not a lesson I would want my DD growing up with.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:21

See where I talked about seeing things through your own lens rina?

I care about children too by the way, I just don't think that generally loving parents who use smacking occasionally as a form of discipline are abusing their children.

I would rather people didn't hit their children as I don't think it's a particularly brilliant way of parenting. But I don't view it differently to a dozen other things that I think are not great parenting.

GarlicAprilShowers · 15/04/2014 15:23

To add, I'm not pissing around with definitions of 'abuse'. If I described my childhood to you, you'd say it was abusive but I was never marked (clever dad.) The overriding point is that someone is hitting a person less than a third of their own size. This isn't defensible in anybody's world.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:23

Oh and rina this comment you care about knowing exactly the maximum damage the law allows you to inflict on children, and making sure you get the most out of it like it's your holiday days is beyond ridiculous and offensive and shows you haven't read a word of what I have actually said.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 15:25

If you need to move the child you need to move them. If you're telling them off and you end up shouting, well, it happens

Rinabean - mental abuse: shouting, screaming, put-downs, personal insults - they are all exactly the same as physical assaults. They may not leave physical pain or scars, but they sure as heck leave other scars - on the mind. Are you saying shouting is acceptable because "it happens" but a smack is not acceptable when "it happens"

(Just to be clear, I absolutely do not condone physical violence against children - but I think you can't say smacking is not okay when shouting is. Both are ways of losing your temper. Impossible to self-police)

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