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AIBU?

AIBU to ask another mum not to hit her small child?

202 replies

Marylou2 · 15/04/2014 13:08

Just that really. Whatever his alleged misdemeanor he was about 2 and she grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back. It was in the children's department of Next.I asked her to stop hitting him which to be fair she did so she could start screaming at me to mind my own business. What would you have done?

OP posts:

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AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2014 14:34

Well, then, HighwayRat, fortunately our paths are unlikely ever to cross as I tend not to associate with people for whom "smacking is perfectly acceptable."

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 14:35

Rinabean - thats exactly how I felt as a child/teen when my mother was battering me on a regular basis and screaming at me constantly. I didn't know it wasn't normal.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2014 14:35

'Its our job as adults to protect children'

I agree as do some other posters on here. Some on here seem to think an adult's job is to cheer on other parents who are lashing out at their children. Ignoring a tantrumming child is completely different to hitting/smacking a child.

HighwayRat, why do you think a smack is not abuse? How do you think it is acceptable, effective parenting?

HighwayRat · 15/04/2014 14:39

Excellent Avon, because I don't associate with people who judge people for their parenting choices.

I don't think one open handed swat on the hand or bum is any more abusive than forcing a screaming child to sit on the naughty step, or shouting at your child.

Greensleeves · 15/04/2014 14:42

I'm sure some posters will have told you to mind your own business but YANBU IMO. Child abuse is everybody's business. The bullying bitch.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2014 14:42

Oh heaven forbid anyone 'judge' anyone else's 'choices'. How very liberal If you smack or condone smacking, you deserve to be judged. Anyway, 'judging' is just other people using their judgement, hardly a crime.

So you don't think smacking is 'abusive' - but how is it effective? And there are other ways of disciplining your child that don't involve anyone screaming or shouting.

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 15/04/2014 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 14:46

I'm not cheering on another parent while they beat their child, and I'm not saying that smacking a toddler on the arm and back 'several times' (how many? Did she leave marks or bruises? Was this a one off or a five times a day type event?) is great parenting. I don't smack and I don't think it's a great way to parents BUT I know some people that do (and not generally out of anger), I was smacked as a child occasionally and I have a very close relationship with my parents, I'm not scarred or scared of them. It's not black and white 'smacking a child = abuse'. I think there are much better ways of parenting, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop people in the street when I think their parenting isn't up to scratch.

If you were having to drag your kicking and screaming toddler out of a supermarket (can't lift because of back) and then physically force him into a car seat and shouted at him to stop it/behave and someone came over to you and decided that you were abusing your child based on a 30 second snapshot of your life, I'd imagine you would be unimpressed.

Screaming profanities at a child and beating them aggressively and with the intention of really hurting them just cause you are in a bad mood is not the same as smacking a child on the hand for snatching a toy or trying to touch the oven.

HighwayRat · 15/04/2014 14:47

It works for us, if I have to keep telling her not to touch something and she reaches for it, I will swot her hand, if she is not listening I will warn her that if she cant behave she will have a smacked bum. It works, the naughty step/tv removal doesn't work for us so we smack.

Note we are talking about an open palm smack, that does not leave a mark, and not done in anger. never closed fists, repeatedly, with anything or out of anger.

HighwayRat · 15/04/2014 14:49

HopALong your last paragraph has nailed what I was trying to say.

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 14:51

So if the woman in question had walked over and repeatedly hit OP would you expect OP to report tl the police and press charges? Yes. You would. So WHY is it okay to repeatedly hit a tiny child? It has NOTHING to do with discipline and its all about the mother not being able to control her temper and lashing out at a defenceless toddler.

Its absolutely vile and I'm sick of people defending it.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 14:53

I would rather be deemed as judgemental than hit a child.

I clearly am not aware of this "open palm smack" that seems to be accepted by so many. Next time one of my employees doesn't do their job properly I'll give them a swift smack on the arse and see if that helps improve their conduct... Oh no wait a minute, that would be classed as abuse.

You wouldn't do it to an adult so why the hell would you do it to a kid? And let's also be clear, from the OP it's quite clear it wasn't one smack either.

rinabean · 15/04/2014 14:53

HopALongOn manhandling and shouting at a child because you need to move them is not comparable to "hitting them several times on their arms and back". If you need to move the child you need to move them. If you're telling them off and you end up shouting, well, it happens. Are you trying to say OP misunderstood and the woman was actually... massaging the child and got carried away? Wtf are you saying? What is the misunderstanding? What was the innocent explanation?

I love your idea of beating someone aggressively, as opposed to a friendly and gentle beating.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 14:53

It's not OK for me to walk up to a random stranger and forcefully wipe chocolate or snot off their face with a wet wipe. It's not OK for me to hold down a wriggling adult and change their nappy. It's not OK to refuse to let another adult out of the house unless they put their shoes on.

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 14:54

Open palm smack = bullshit. It still leaves marks on a child.

rinabean · 15/04/2014 14:55

30 second snapshot. What's the snapshot?

The mother was doing A, then for 30 seconds beat the child across its torso. Then did B. So you can see, it was really nothing, not abuse, you just didn't see the full picture.

What on earth are A and B?

It's disturbing that people think there really can be an excuse for doing this to a child. Let me guess, is it 'he drove her to it'? Disgusting

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 14:57

Just out of interest, would you discipline your child if they hit another child, or hit an adult?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 14:58

Beating someone aggressively v's smacking a child once or twice with an open hand, not leaving a mark. We have no idea how many times she hit the child, if she left a mark, if it happens every day or if her two year old (and the age is a guess as well) had just used up her entire quota of patience for that week, it seems to be a very grey area and that is why I wouldn't jump in with my opinion on what she should be doing. Since I wasn't actually there, I have no clue what it looked like apart from the OP's vague description.

'Saw a woman drag her two year old out of a shop by his arm, he was crying and screaming, looked like she was really hurting him. Then she shoved him in the car seat really hard and shouted at him. WIBU to go over and tell her to pick on someone her own size?'

The way we see things is always coloured by our own experiences.

HighwayEgg · 15/04/2014 14:58

I've never marked dd.

I'm not defending the woman in the op at all, in fact I have said already that I'd have said something to her.

Of course I'd press charges if another adult hit me, as I would if they tried to force me into a car, took my property off me, or shut me in a room for a few minutes.

notthegirlnextdoor · 15/04/2014 15:00

So because they're your children that means you can do whatever you want to them?

But if another adult did it to you then that's wrong?

How can you not realise how messed up that is?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:02

No you can't do whatever you want with them. No one is saying that. Some people (and the law) say that you can use reasonable physical punishment on them though.

rinabean · 15/04/2014 15:03

HopALongOn you know damn well that OP did NOT see the woman "smacking a child once or twice with an open hand, not leaving a mark". You can see plainly what she wrote: "grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back"

Child abuse is not a grey area.

As I said, the explanation for forcing a child into a car is that you wanted to put them in the car, which is not wrong in and of itself. There is NO explanation for beating a child other than abuse!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2014 15:04

Excellent Avon, because I don't associate with people who judge people for their parenting choices

Quite happy to be judgy on this one

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 15:04

reasonable physical punishment

This makes me feel sick. You're talking about a child. It's a shame that some parents clearly lack so badly in communication with their child that they have to hit them.

I wonder if your husband slapped you but it didn't bruise it would be ok? No it wouldn't be, it would be DV.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2014 15:05

Well I could have sat with him in the supermarket until he decided he was ready to leave.

I have no idea what the OP saw, and neither do you. So don't tell me what I 'damn well know'.

Child abuse might not be a grey area, but smacking a child is not automatically child abuse either.

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