AIBU to ask another mum not to hit her small child?

[Marylou2]

Just that really. Whatever his alleged misdemeanor he was about 2 and she grabbed him and hit him several times on his arms and back. It was in the children's department of Next.I asked her to stop hitting him which to be fair she did so she could start screaming at me to mind my own business. What would you have done?

[GarlicAprilShowers]

People who were 'never' hit as children remember each, rare, disciplinary smack even if it was the lightest of taps on the hand. Those of us who were constantly hit recall only the most hideous and shaming of assaults.

This, to me, demonstrates the idiocy of liberal smacking (or yelling, shoving, etc.) All you do is numb the child and force a spiral of increasing violence.

[ParkingFred]

I did that once. In Woolworths (so a while ago), a man was holding a small boy who was crying and he was hitting him on the side of his face and shouting at him to be quiet.

I said 'stop hitting him - you should be ashamed of yourself!' and like the op, he did stop, so he could hurl expletive laden abuse at me.

I was so upset for that poor little boy..

[NewtRipley]

ParkingFred

I like your name

[Tinpin]

One hot August day in 1994 I smacked/hit my 3 year old in a shop. I was 8 months pregnant and guess I was tired, annoyed and fed up. I don't even remember what she did but I do remember the incident because I'm ashamed of it still. That was the only time I ever hit her. We are all human and seeing a child being smacked doesn't mean their parents are habitual abusers.

[Lottapianos]

I don't think anyone has suggested social services Miaow. The details in the OP post sound perfectly plausible to me - what would she have to gain by embellishing?

So all this interfering is making parenting hell is it? Well boo hoo. Spare a thought for that little boy who got slapped several times and for what? Do you smacking apologists have any empathy for the child at all?

[Nennypops]

It's not OK for me to walk up to a random stranger and forcefully wipe chocolate or snot off their face with a wet wipe. It's not OK for me to hold down a wriggling adult and change their nappy.

Actually it would be fine for you to do all those things for an adult you were caring for if they were unable to do them for themselves. And that is the valid comparator here. You are doing these things in order to care for them. However, it would absolutely not be fine to smack that adult to discipline them. So, if it's not OK for a dependent adult, why is it OK for a dependent child?

[Nennypops]

Miaow, I don't think you can say this parent was doing anything against the law. The law allows reasonable chastisement, and reasonable chastisement for a 2 year old toddler is not likely to include grabbing him and hitting him several times across the arms and back.

I always think the people who proudly proclaim that they were smacked and it did them no harm are deceiving themselves. The very fact that they say that displays defensiveness and blunted feelings, as is the fact that they remember it. No-one goes around saying "My parents put me on the naughty step and it never did me any harm." My parents smacked me, and although I generally had an OKish relationship with them, I have frankly always respected them less for it. My children, in my admittedly biased view, are lovely, polite, kind, hard-working people with whom I have a brilliant relationship, and I have never smacked them.

[Marylou2]

So many interesting comments since my OP. With reflection I'm glad I intervened but I do hope I never have to do so again.

[Amytheflag]

Anyone who smacks is lazy and resorting to violence because anything else is beyond them. It's boring when people bleat about their parents smacking them and it never doing any harm because you wouldn't be likely to admit that it did when you do it too. It's pure laziness and poor anger management. What do you do about teaching your children not to hit when you can't restrain yourselves from doing it?

[Nennypops]

Just realised my last post starts wrongly. I meant to say "I don't think you can say that this parent wasn't doing anything against the law.

[CarmineRose1978]

My dad was both physically and verbally abusive when I was a teenager, and to be honest, the words left far worse scars.

[Valdeeves]

I remember seeing a parent (dad) laying into their teenage boy in the park as they left - he was pushing/shoving/smacking him along the path - none of us there were sure what to do and I ended up following them but lost them pretty quickly.
To this day I really wish I'd done more.
I'm not judging this situation - as I wasn't there to judge.
But we all do need to pay more attention and try and do more.
There are so many kids being abused behind closed doors.
In my opinion YANBU.

[GarlicAprilShowers]

People who say they were smacked and it did them no harm are wrong. They believe they were deliberately hurt by people who loved them. Accepting this as harmless means they accept that being loved also means being deliberately hurt. They will accept pain from those they love, and will happily inflict pain on those who love them.

That's fucked up.

[SirChenjin]

I can assure you Garlic, that despite what you think, it did me no harm whatsoever to be on the receiving end of the occasional smack.

[RedandChecker]

You were right to intervene OP, it meant she stopped hitting her child repeatedly. Smacking as a one off mistake and feeling ashamed after is different and human, I have never done this luckily I have a well behaved 4 yo. Repeatedly hitting a two year old shows a lack of control. By intervening she shouted at you because you were doing something she didn't like, like her two year old was, difference was she didnt start hitting you. Because 1) you are not defensless like her two year old 2) it would have been assualt.

Hitting your children should be illegal. It is rediculous that it is against the law to hit an adult yet we can hit defenseless toddlers/children. It is disgusting. What you did may make her think twice before hitting that child, it may have embarrassed her, it gave the child a voice. You were right to tell her to stop being such a bully.

I can never ever see any excuse to hit a toddler, what do they learn from that? How must they feel? That is not a punishment or a reasonable discipline for a child so small, you are meant to teach them right from wrong not if you do something i dislike I'll hurt you.

[GarlicAprilShowers]

Well, SirC, I also posted this afternoon "People who were 'never' hit as children remember each, rare, disciplinary smack even if it was the lightest of taps on the hand. Those of us who were constantly hit recall only the most hideous and shaming of assaults." I don't know whereabouts on the scale your parent(s) fell, but it is quite possible to raise children successfully without employing physical or mental abuse of any sort. People have been doing it for millennia. Anyone who can't envisage a childhood free of parental violence has been harmed.

[sassysally]

you might think smacking is wrong but the mother doesn't and neither does our democratically elected government, so I think you were wrong to intervene.

[SirChenjin]

I have been harmed?

Do we know each other?

[GarlicAprilShowers]

We haven't got a democratically elected government at present, sally

[RedandChecker]

I agree with Garlic.
Similar threads about smacking have been debated about time and time again. I cannot see any reasonable argument for hitting a child. Especially so fuking tiny. ''It never did me any harm'' is not an argument, what bollocks is that it's no reason to hit a child. Even if you were thick skinned enough to do you no harm in your eyes, does not mean that you know it will not do another child harm. Everyone is different and deals with things differently.

My mother and her brother were hit as children, my uncle could not have cared less. My mother on the other hand remembers clearly a moment her mother smacked her infront of a crowd of people, she says that was and still is the most embarrassing moment of her life and has stayed with her. She never smacked us as children because of this.

[insanityscatching]

Dd as a toddler saw a mother hit her child and rushed straight over as only a small child would wagging her finger, "Naughty Mumma smack a little girl, you need five minutes to think about what you done and now say sorry"
I'm not sure who was more embarrassed tbh.
I've only ever once shouted at someone for smacking a child and that was when a Mum I knew (ds was in the same class as her dc) backhanded her five year old across the face. I did inform school and HV of what I had seen, I suspect there were other concerns as she had SS involvement soon after.

[Devora]

I have smacked. I'm not proud of it. The only thing I feel remotely good about is the (huge) gap between how often I have smacked and how often I have been tempted to smack. I have a very hot temper and really could very easily be one of those mothers who smacks from dusk till dawn.

One of the reasons why that doesn't happen is because I'm part of a generation that disapproves of smacking. Another is that I would bring down social disapproval on my head. So I think judging is tremendously valuable in this context. Lord help us as a society if we tolerate everything up to the standard of criminal conduct.

My dp was once walking down a canal path with our baby dd2 when a little girl paused to say hello to them. One of the men walking with her mother turned back and literally kicked her down the path - she flew through the air - while screaming at her to get a fucking move on. The worst thing was, the little girl didn't look remotely shocked - and nor did her mum.

My dp didn't have a phone with her, and she was in an isolated place, so was too scared to do anything. But I'm still a bit haunted by that, and I think she is too.

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

That's rather a large leaping assumption there garlic. I assure you I am in no way emotionally damaged by the handful of times I was smacked as a child.

[SirChenjin]

That's fine RedandChecker - you are entitled to your opinion, of course. What I do not accept is the assertion that everyone who was smacked (I'm talking about an occasional smack, as opposed to regular wallops) are damaged/fucked up/insert your own word in some way.