To not agree to DP giving up his job?

[sleepismyfriend]

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

Freeloading
Cock
Lodger

he wants to take over from what I'm doing (what in currently doing from home) and generally manage the place.
Does he know the general directions to the back of fuck?
How about employing him as a nanny?

I'm with you OP. You are working hard for your business with a good team, as well as bringing up your daughter single handedly because he's a lazy father, who doesn't want to pay for her and doesn't appear to want to make an effort to be "daddy".

Stick to your guns and say no. If he wants a new job, he can go look for one.

Makes me wonder if he's already bragged that he's coming to your company as head honcho to other people!

My cousin set up his own business and got hi s wife to work for him. when the recession hit and the business folded, without outing myself it was aimed at people with spare cash to splash on luxuries, they lost their house as they had not other income outside of the business.

You'd be mad to take him on board, keep another dependable income if you are both going to work.

So if your dp joined your business, and 'helped' you by taking over some of your job, that would equal six people in the business, including three managers - very top heavy. What about the financials? Essentially you would be creating an additional, unnecessary position. What pay would he be expecting? His current salary (or more), or is he envisioning a job share with you, and a pro rata salary? Since he's already dictating how you must feel, coping with work and a baby (too much for you), and dictating what role he would be prepared to do, how is he going to cope taking instruction from you, as the business owner? What impact would this extra position, occupied by your dp, have on the culture of your small business?

Employing friends/family in a small business can be an absolute minefield. Your dp is trying to force his way into a role that doesn't exist. If it did exist, somebody else might be the best person for the job. There are so many warning signs here, OP. Your dp has other options if he wants to leave his current role.

I also feel quite angry reading your posts. You sound amazing, with so much get up and go and dealing with having a little baby so well- no wonder your partner wants in on your success.

However, you need to realize and tell him that he needs to make his own success in life. If he hates his job, he could train for something else, apply for others. How is he going to make his life happy and successful. Tying himself to your coat-tails can't be an option.

I agree with whoever said you sound very nice and probably successful in every area of your life, but this can lead to being a pushover in your home life where you fear putting your foot down.

What he is suggesting is very bad for the business- you, the person who knows most about it and know how to make it successful, step aside for him, who knows nothing about this business. Why on earth would you do that? The only sensible solution if he really wants to make this a team effort would be, as others have said, for him to support you by doing more childcare/housework.

I am annoyed as this is your blind spot, your weakness (him) and you could end up risking all you have worked for because of love. Sorry, but with a 3 month old, no money from him (why not, don't get this?), you need to keep your income stable and the best way to do this is to get you behind the reins again, either as it is now or through a nanny if you need more help.

Please don't put your business in jeopardy over him.

The more you post about him the more emphatically I want to encourage you to keep him out of your company. He sounds insidious. In your shoes my plan would be :

1. No way to him taking any role in your business, especially not yours. It would be actively harmful to the business , your security, your daughter's security, and your relationship with him.

1. He starts to pay maintenance for his child, either through an agreed arrangement or CSA.

1. Look at how to protect yourselves if you do cohabit.

1. Presumably he gets a weekday off if he works at the weekend - he could do childcare that day while you work.

Watch this one. Emotional blackmail is a huge red flag

He earns 30k and doesn't pay for anything for his daughter?! I think that shows his character. Even though you don't need the money she is his child too, it's his responsibility to contribute. If he really cared about making it easier for you to juggle your DD and the business, then he could take care of her more or pay for childcare or help with the housework but that doesn't boost his ego as much as taking over the business. He's not thinking of you, he's thinking of himself. Tell him your business is new and there are no vacancies. Don't give up your role and let him take control, it's worrying that he wants to. It isn't as if he helped you build up the business and wants to be run it together, he's trying to take over.

I really hope the OP comes back ... Quite a few of us are now feeling pretty riled on her behalf. I am also surprised that someone with such good business sense and the determination to get a successful business going in such a short time frame is actually posting on here for advice about something which seems so clearly a no brainer. I really hope he's not grinding her down with enotional blackmail.
Stand firm OP. Do not let him use any sob stories to try to get his own way.

As a bit of an aside, start planning for when you need childcare, because although you're coping right now with a 3 month old, once she becomes mobile it won't be a lot of fun chasing her around all day and then running your business in your evenings. It may be that your partner will consider becoming a SAHP - fine if he really wants to do it, though from what you say, he may just be trying to escape from a job he dislikes, which isn't a great reason.

Your partner can give up his job and find another. I've just spent all morning telling DH I will support him as he wants to do this (well be s/e possibly) but tell him if you needed a manager you'd ask for CV's to be submitted and at the moment you don't need anyone. Keep your response to his suggestion coolly professional.

He's at it.

and again, I agree entirely with Inertia

This guy is shocking, and he needs dumping and the CSA on his arse

No way, OP!

And please, do reconsider living together as well.

I had an expensive cocklodger when I used to run my own business. He was a cheating drunk who was perpetually looking for a job with noone hiring him of course. He was very cocky and wanted to 'manage' my business. Absolutely NOT. You created this business and you manage it! No access to any of your business accounts and no access to any of your business dealings. This is your livelyhood and your independence, OP. Your worked hard for it. I will never allow a romantic interest meddle with my business. What for? You have an office manager. This is good enough.

Tell your partner to back off. Forget the guilt. Concentrate on business and daughter. Full stop.

Why isn't he contributing towards his child? You might have enough money but that isn't the point. Doesn't he want to provide for her?

How dare he emotionally blackmail you? As Spotty says, if he doesn't like his job he can find another one. You don't need anyone. If you did he could send in a CV like anyone else.

Not one person here thinks it's a good idea.

I'd be getting him to pay some maint towards your daughter, whether you need it or not, he needs to,pay.

If you had come onto the thread saying what extraordinary skills he might bring to your business, then I'd still worry about the fallout of employing your DP in what is essentially your role in the company. But he doesn't even bring that.

You have a business to run. If he wants to give up work and become a SAHD, perhaps you could together consider the costs & benefits of that. But personally I'd hire that cleaner he mentioned and tell him to find another job that he likes better - outside both your business and your home.

And he should be providing for his DD. You may be making good money now, but as you say it's early days for this business. He could at the very least be putting money away into an account in her name, building up some savings while times are relatively good.

i would think its a bad idea him giving up his work and to take over your job. the reason your business is successful is because of your input. IF childcare is a big issue, although it doesnt sound like it is, then you should get a childminder/someone to look after the child, and you continue to build your business. I certainly wouldnt have anyone else running my business for me as they wont make the same decisions i would make.

I think he should be contributing to your DDs upbringing now - there is absolutely no reason he shouldnt be contributing however i expect if you bring it up he will say you earn more than enough to pay for everything so why would he contribute...

you need to think about protecting yourself first and foremost for the time being.

OP you need to put your business head on when dealing with your boyfriend. in what way is he your partner?

No No No.

Do not do it.

Never put all your eggs in one basket and then give the basket to someone else to hold.

He should be helping to parent his own child regardless of where he works and how many hours he does. That has nothing to do with your business arrangements.

Sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread as I am just going out, but I saw this and couldn't ignore. (bitter experience).

Does he even have the knowledge and skills to add value your business? He is undermining you - essentially saying if you can do it, then it can't be difficult. Can you imagine someone thinking they are qualified to do a partner's job simply because they are in a relationship. He has absolutely no respect for what you do.

OP this man is bad news. Please listen to what everyone is saying.

Hi everyone.

Wow thank you so much for all the responses. I have been reading through all of them and wow it has certainly given me a lot to think about.

I am tired in the getting up a few times in the night for feeds kind of way, and I think it must have prevented me from seeing the reality of this situation.

I am so grateful for all the input here - thank you! I was really question

Working with a DH can work, I have a "proper" job but also run management and marketing for DHs business. We do this as I am the best person for the job without spending a fortune, not because I just fancied it

We have been together since 18 (so many many moons) and it is still difficult at times and causes friction and stress at work and in the home. We make it work but I honestly think without such a solid base we would be fucked. MY friend has actually given up her career in a business she helped to build because her "d"H feels threatened by her and unmanned with her challenging him in meetings I think she is fucking nuts.

So in your situation absolutely totally NO NO NO NO NO. He sounds controlling and lazy and to be honest i'd be jacking him in altogether not just on the work front.

The fact that you've phrased it as, "but we are making a go of things" in your OP would suggest that your DD was unplanned and conceived at the start of or during a rocky patch in your relationship. You don't that keen on this guy, you still haven't moved in together and he's not contributing to your DD. You feel suspicious and there's a reason!

Is the reason for the lack of financial input on his side due to the fact that you're doing so well? I suspect that actually he resents that idea of giving you money, when all you do is sit at home and potter about while other people run the office for you. Fuck that for a bag of dicks! If this is the case, I'm sorry, but he sees you as the pathway to an instant promotion and an easy life.

If you give in, give him a managerial role and he moves in you'll be faced with good employees who don't respect your decision making abilities and a chance that he could pursue financially you should you split up. At the moment he has bugger all rights, what's yours is yours. Even if he just moves in, suddenly he's 'facilitating' your ability to run the business though provision of childcare etc. I would get legal advice, you don't sound at all sure about this guy.

Having re read your OP, where you say you have a brilliant team who are effectively running the business day to day, it makes me wonder exactly what it is he's after.... It sounds as though you are a SAHM during the day (though obviously as the brains and inspiration behind the business, you are vitally important) and then you are doing a few hours work in the evenings. So... Does this guy see it more as an excuse to give up his own job, perhaps to sit around at home with you still being the hands on child carer??
Either there's a job which you are doing at the moment which requires specific skills (and there is no evidence he has these!) or you've been so successful that your business is run day to day by others and you are mostly a SAHM. Either way, there is no reason for him to give up his job. Your child doesn't need both parents home all day. And if he's saying he wants to see more of his child- which is a good thing- then yes, sure, he'll be spending his time off work with her. And contributing financially.

Whatever way you look at it, he's behaving in a dodgy way

Sorry posted too soon.

I was really questioning myself and whether I was being selfish or unrealistic thinking I could cope. You have made me realise the problem is him.

I will be telling him he will not be joining the business, and I will also be asking for maintenance from him. Again I thought I was unreasonable asking since I earn more than him - but that was him making me feel guilty again.

I am going to be questioning this relationship overall.

I may have been a pushover for those who I love, however I have my DD to think of now and will not be used or jeopardise my / her future.