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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 18/04/2014 21:01

Hi op

I was wondering is he on the birth certificate? and as an open question to others on here with more,knowledge would the op benefit from applying for residency in case he does, does anyone think?

SuburbanSpaceperson · 18/04/2014 21:07

My Mum did a great thing when my H tried to get her on side, she said "I'm very sorry for both of you that you are having problems, but I am not going to get involved or or talk about it with you."

Nothing anybody says to him is going to make him suddenly realise that the world doesn't revolve around him. What will work best is disinterest from you and your family. If he doesn't get any reaction at all he'll gradually get fed up, negative reaction will allow him to play a martyred and misunderstood hero.

It'll be ages, months probably, but eventually it should reduce to the occasional passive-aggressive muttered comment. It'll get better faster if he manages to find himself another wealthy girlfriend.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2014 21:21

Mean? Tell them the truth, this man is a sperm donor. He does FA for his child. Show them this thread.

And no 'asking' him to pay to support his child. That is compulsory.

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 21:38

Yes, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???!! For goodness sake, you VILLAIN! Your sole & exclusive purpose is the lodging of a golden cock, to be lavished with all your worldly goods as soon as required.

ethereal soundtrack
For you are only a woman. Woman, thou art unnatural! Any right-minded WOMAN would worship her pompous soundtrack Man slow fade pompous in sure & certain knowledge of his entitlements. Which are infinite as the far horizon, boundless as the sky.
mournful soundtrack
You, Woman, wish to deny this Man his entitlements. In this, therefore, you are not right-minded ...
foreboding soundtrack, clouds gather
... there is Something Wrong With You.
thunder

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 18/04/2014 21:40

If you respond, I would do so by email so it's documented and outline that 1/ he's the one who's exhibiting unstable behaviour and unable to accept your decision of ending the relationship 2/ his unreasonableness is now forcing you to limit your communication to your DD 3/ anything else will be ignored but documented, should it escalate and require legal /police action.

Stick to facts only.
Don't answer, don't engage.

Keep in mind this will drive him nuts Wink

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 21:41

Oops, I missed a page Blush

Hope you enjoyed the movie, anyway.

golden cock descends from the sky

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 21:42

And, yes, what Jinglets said, exactly.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/04/2014 21:45

Send him an email: 'The relationship is over. I don't love you. I don't particularly like you and will only be staying in touch with you at all for DD's sake. I am happy to agree a reasonable schedule for you to have a relationship with DD, which we can sort out via email. I will be contacting the CSA regarding the maintenance you are legally obliged to pay. Other than that I have nothing to say to you and no interest in anything you have to say on any other subject. '

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/04/2014 22:09

He really thinks his version of reality is the only valid one. This is such a huge red flag. At no point has he asked you how you feel or what you want. He really doesn't care about your feelings as obviously his are so much more important. As for your inability to see the obvious bollox wisdom of his view of the world- well obviously you must be deranged.

I am so relieved you've kicked him into touch. There is nothing to be gained by any discussion of the relationship with him because he doesn't want a fair result; he wants his result.

zzzzz · 18/04/2014 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 18/04/2014 23:02

What SGB said.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/04/2014 00:29

As Chaz wrote:

"He really thinks his version of reality is the only valid one... At no point has he asked you how you feel or what you want. "

Yes you have a child. But it's not doing right for her if you stay in an unhappy and potentially exploitative relationship. So don't fall for his attempts to make you ignore your own emotions and needs - they are valid!

Bogeyface · 19/04/2014 00:31

"Please just stop and think about what you are doing. This is nuts. I have only ever been kind and tried to help in any way I can. Why are you doing this to MMEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

nauticant · 19/04/2014 10:25

I like Jinglets suggestion of moving this onto email.

"If you want to discuss this, we will do so by email or not at all. Our email discussions will relate to financial and practical arrangements for our DD. No other matters will be discussed."

Any further non-email messages you can respond to by writing "I am only willing to discuss matters relating to our DD and that will be done by email."

LouiseAderyn · 19/04/2014 16:44

Just posting to second the suggestion that you keep records. He sounds like the sort of man who will try to make you out to be unstable as a means of threatening you if you step out of line. That's what the 'why are you doing this to dd' is all about - he is setting tge scene to make you out like an unreasonable loon!

So when you email, keep it calm and reasonable and dont get into long discussions about the relationship. Dont accuse him of trying to take over your business, even though we all know he is - he will spin it as trying to help you and you going off on one for no good reason. That's how people like him operate.

Be strong. You've done the hard bit. Now just refuse to engage and he will be stuffed.

Thetallesttower · 19/04/2014 16:48

I still don't get what he thinks him taking over your business is to do with him caring for and loving his child. He is able to do that as part of the family unit and as separated parents.

He sure is turning up the heat.

Ignore him and reiterate that you know he'll be a good dad even now you are not together.

MooncupMadness · 21/04/2014 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyAlysVorpatril · 21/04/2014 18:50

OMG OP you are amazing. Don't forget it!

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 21/04/2014 20:04

Bravo OP. Well done on identifying him for the cock weasel he is and kicking him to the kerb accordingly.

MarysDressSways1 · 24/04/2014 11:51

Gosh well done! I hope he calms down and is there for your daughter in the future!

kungfupannda · 24/04/2014 13:05

Definitely keep any discussions on email - much easier to print out and preserved, and much more professional-looking if you have to wave them at a court, if he decides to be a prat about residence/contact. Judges don't tend to be terribly keen on scrolling through text messages Grin

I'd be inclined to send a single detailed email setting out your position, and then refuse to engage with anything except contact/financial arrangements. Just keep repeating 'We need to discuss DD. I have explained my position and the relationship is now over.

I would suggest something like:

'I wish to address the points you've raised as you appear to feel that you have, in some way, been badly treated. Our relationship is over, but you will still be in DD's life, and it is in her best interests for us to have a functional and courteous co-parenting relationship. This will be difficult if I am constantly having to deal with accusations of unfairness towards you.

The break down of the relationship was accelerated (although not entirely caused) by your refusal to accept my decision not to allow you to take over my role in the business which I have built up, entirely on my own, and which is now successful. I was not recruiting and there was no role for you in the business, unless you intended to take my place at the head of it, and render me effectively unemployed, and it would have been entirely unprofessional and inappropriate for me to effectively create a non-existent role for you, simply because we were in a relationship.

I was extremely hurt by your refusal to accept my decision, despite it being explained to you on several occasions. You continued to push the matter, and to use DD as a weapon against me, by stating that me continuing to work in the business was detrimental to her well-being. I am proud of what I have achieved with the business, and I am proud of being a good mother,and good role model, to DD, and this accusation was central to me deciding that I could not continue in this relationship.

I have repeatedly asked you to spend more time with DD, and you have declined. I have asked you to contribute financially, and you have declined, stating that I didn't need the money and querying why I felt you should support DD financially.

Our relationship is now over. I will not reconsider my position. DD is now the most important thing, and I will facilitate her having a relationship with you. This is important to me and I hope it is important to you too. The financial support is an entirely separate matter to the contact.

At this time, your working arrangements are [insert details] and DD's arrangements are [insert details]. I would therefore propose [contact] Please let me have your thoughts on this proposal.

In terms of the financial side of things. If your income is [income] then the CSA's estimate of appropriate child support is [estimate] I am aware that your financial situation is [insert details]. I would therefore propose that you pay [calculate reasonable amount that can't be suggested to be unreasonable]

I look forward to hearing from you and hope this can be resolved amicably.'

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 24/04/2014 13:22

Kungfupanda FTW!

mistlethrush · 24/04/2014 13:25

(She is very good, particularly if she turns up with a clipboard apparently)

LittleMissDisorganized · 24/04/2014 14:02

I have just read your thread from beginning to end sleep and wanted to say many congratulations on your daughter, and your awesome business success.

The only thing I would add on top of what all these wonderful ladies have said is that in case your ex gets nasty wrt the "not thinking straight", "out of your mind" rubbish, it may be worth a trip to your doctor and explaining things (briefly, most of it is none of their business) and essentially having, on your medical file, a note that says there are no problems, you are well and coping, apart from a troublesome ex. It's just there as insurance...

I wish you good luck, you sound amazing, I hope the affirmation on here is building you up.

phoebeflangey · 24/04/2014 14:13

OMG Sleep I am in awe of you! Am so pleased that you have dealt with this and congrats on the beautiful dd and on the business success. Little background from me: Had a business and a partner, had dd 2 years into business that was also doing really well, I lived with DP who did absolutely f all at any occasion, and I was back at work (albeit at home, but full time) when dd was 3 days old. DP had money for his "hobbies", didnt work and was generally a lazy shit. Business unfortunately closed when dd was 13 months old - and yes I do blame dp a little for this (still dealing with processes myself!) and then I went and married the toad a couple of years later (I know!) I eventually saw the light when he became a physically and emotionally abusive arse, left me with 20k debt (not business related) and I only managed to get the courage to kick him out 18 months ago.
I only wish I had your strength 12 years ago, when dd was a baby. I know I would be in a better place now if I had.
All the best xx