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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 14/04/2014 12:39

Good for you, was just about to post that if I were in your shoes (and hats off to you for doing so well with your business and raising a child single handedly) I would not only make sure he never worked with me, but also be reconsidering the relationship. He really sounds like a freeloader, wanting to coast along on the coat tails of your hard earned success. He needs to find himself a job he is suited for, as he is neither needed nor qualified for your role, and needs to pull his socks up in terms of providing maintenance for his child. He wants an easy ride.

Takingthemickey · 14/04/2014 12:42

OP happy that you are starting to see this man clearly. Good luck.

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 12:43

And thank you for those who have said I've done well.

I have felt very proud of myself for working hard throughout my pregnancy and growing the business - I enjoyed it too don't get me wrong.

And now he comes along, says I'm clearly not coping, that I need him. He frequently laughs at me and says who do you think you are - superwoman?

You are right those of you who said the relationship is rocky - but again he says I am being completely selfish if I don't do my est to make it work because DD can't possibly be brought up in a 1 parent household and why would I want to be a single mother anyway? His words not mine.

OP posts:
CbeebiesIsAboutToPop · 14/04/2014 12:44

So glad you won't be handing your business over. I just told dh about this and he (as a legal man) said 'excuse me? She built up the business and now he wants to effectively steal it from her?! Hell no, she needs to get out now.' He also made a rather visual comment on what should happen to him for refusing to pay matinence, but I'd rather not repete that one!

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop · 14/04/2014 12:47

Single mothers are the strongest, and if es not living with you, you are effectively a single mother anyway an doing a damn good job of it while being a strong female role model your dd will be proud of when she's older.

Thetallesttower · 14/04/2014 12:52

Well, effectively you are a single mother. No reason why he can't have contact and pay maintenance too.

If you are feeling exhausted (and this may kick in a bit, sleep deprivation does take its toll), then you are best placed to see what would help you- more hours for the office manager, an extra pair of hands in the business or a cleaner.

Don't take him on or give a salary to him, he's trying to undermine you, not support you, otherwise he would be offering childcare/cleaning support to you- that's what my husband offered for two years when I went back to work.

Kerosene · 14/04/2014 12:52

If this is you struggling to cope - launching a profitable and successful business in 18 months while pregnant and caring for a newborn - what are you like when you're on top form?

Speaking at the child of a business-running single mother: Invest in a pair of Wonder Woman boots, and use them to kick him to the curb.

rollonthesummer · 14/04/2014 12:53

I ask again-what are his redeeming features?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/04/2014 12:57

You are coping
You are successful

You are a great mummy
You are a great business woman
You are an amazing role model

And his way to 'help' is to persuade you are none of those things, and that you need an unqualified, inexperienced man to take over and push you out of your own business???

If he was actually wanting to help he'd be thinking about your success, your happiness and your future - but its all about pushing you aside as somehow youre incompetent ir not worthy of this success ...

He's showing how little he thinks of you, as he doesn't mind pushing you down to push himself up - nice. The super woman comment is particularly grating. Like there is something wrong with being able to do this? Or you are claiming that you're better than you should be by doing all this well? Ugh. Unpleasant.

You know what? You actually are, err, a tiny little bit errrr, superwoman :) and that's a good thing.

FairPhyllis · 14/04/2014 12:58

Someone who laughs at you and criticises rather than steps up and does the things you ask for is trying to undermine you. He is not a very good friend to you, which is a rather fundamental requirement of a good relationship.

I think you do sound like bloody Superwoman, actually.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/04/2014 12:59

I'm so glad you won't be signing the business over to him, you should be so proud of what you've achieved.

He's probably been looking at Audi/BMW catalogues to go with his prospective new managerial role.

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop · 14/04/2014 12:59

If he works in retail why can't he come over in the evening to spend a couple of hours with dd so you can work? Oh that's right, because spending time with dd is just an excuse.

Bloodyteenagers · 14/04/2014 13:03

You are superwoman because he hasn't the balls to man up an help take care of his child. In his world this is taking over your business, but in the real world, this means doing practical things for his child, helping with house stuff and contributing financially to his child.

Yes you dd has a selfish parent. It's him. The one doing nothing.

wrapsuperstar · 14/04/2014 13:04

As others have said, it sounds like you are effectively a single mother anyway. This man does not contribute in any meaningful way -- not even paying for his own little child despite having a decent wage! All he brings to this relationship are attempts to undermine your confidence and hop on board the bandwagon of your hard work. What a prick.

I hope you do question the relationship, I hope you question it intensely. You are clearly a strong, talented individual who could be so much happier and better treated than this!

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/04/2014 13:09

Here's anther two words for you op mysongnistic and entitled.

He feels threatened by you and your ability to cope, he will suck the life out of you. Thanks Oh and Wine

Congrats on your little girl Smile

noblegiraffe · 14/04/2014 13:13

Not coping? Your profits say otherwise.

Tell him to jog on, both with his business proposal, and with the relationship. He's belittling your achievements, undermining your confidence and not stepping up to his commitments as a father. 30k is a good wage, why does he not want to spend any of it on his DD?

C4ro · 14/04/2014 13:18

A thousand times this:
Yes your dd has a selfish parent. It's him. The one doing nothing.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/04/2014 13:19

I would like to quite shamelessly suggest that you tell him while we are waiting here to support you, should there be any aftermath to support you through.

I do agree with everyone here and, furthermore, think that often three months after giving birth is not the time to be making huge life changing decisions. The best support he could give you at the moment would be not to put any such pressure on you.

Congratulations upon the birth of your baby daughter. Thanks

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 14/04/2014 13:20

sleep And now he comes along, says I'm clearly not coping, that I need him. He frequently laughs at me and says who do you think you are - superwoman?

I suspect he has been eroding your confidence for sometime. be very wary of this man.

you also need to be careful that you attention is not fully on your business at the moment. I let my guard down with a business partner when I was distracted by family illness. the legal costs were tens of thousands and it took time and energy to deal with for a long time after I realised I had made a mistake.

softlysoftly · 14/04/2014 13:21

He sounds like a real charmer.

Dumpity dump dump, you would be better getting a PA and a gigolo.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 14/04/2014 13:27

sleepismyfriend God, am afraid he sounds even worse after your update Sad A "partner" who undermines you in this way is something you do not need. Please reconsider the whole relationship.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/04/2014 13:32

OP, why doesnt he live with you? Not saying that he should (tbh id run for the hills), im just curious.

LouiseAderyn · 14/04/2014 13:35

This thread is making me hyperventilate, I am so cross for you. He is trying to steal your business and is guilt tripping a tired and vulnerable new mum in order to do it! A man who genuinely loved you would be helping you in the way that you need, so would be doing housework,helping you to get some sleep.

Don't buy into this single parent crap he is spinning you - you are a single parent because he is not a source of support and isn't even paying towards the costs of having a baby. He is a drain on you and if you ditched him you would be better off because you wouldn't have to listen to all this emotional blackmail.

God, he sounds awful. Please don't marry him or let hin move in. (But do get a cleaner if you can. That would be more use to you).

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 13:39

Why doesn't he live with me?

Honest answer. When I became pregnant I went off of him. Almost overnight. He convinced me it was hormones which is possible I suppose - so I've been trying to make a go of things ever since - trying to convince myself that the feelings will come back. I can't say I love him but feel i should. Or rather he feels I should. Personally I would rather be on my own but as mentioned earlier he insists I don't have DDs interests at heart if I don't do my utmost to make this work.

The more I wrote the more ridiculous it all seems. The reality is really hitting me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 13:41

*write

OP posts: