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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 14/04/2014 10:40

Twatty rather than tatty - not good, anyway.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/04/2014 10:41

He needs to pay maintenance.

You're in a relationship with an arsehole who doesn't pay maintenance and wants to steal your business.

gamerchick · 14/04/2014 10:42

I think it would be quite easy . to expose his real colours.

Tell him you want X amount for his child per month from his next pay onwards.

Stick it in her bank account but I would hazard a guess he may not react well.

Definitely no to the joining the business.

FairPhyllis · 14/04/2014 10:47

In fact it sounds like he is selfish and begrudges your success and financial security - otherwise he'd be making a contribution to DD, doing more care for her, helping you around the house.

Partners in the real world don't turn around to each other and say, actually, I think I'll have your job off you please! I'm shocked you were thinking this might be a reasonable thing to ask.

rollonthesummer · 14/04/2014 10:53

I'm a bit confused by your OP title asking if you were being unreasonable for not wanting him to give up his job. That is the least worrying this about your life at the moment!

Kerosene · 14/04/2014 10:54

Bugger that for a lark. He wants you to hand over your business to his control - because off the back of retail job, he's got the deep and meaningful experience to continue your business success? And in doing so, all your eggs will be in one basket - if he makes a hash of it and the business fails, your family will be out of both your pay packets. If it's a success, he gets all the credit - never mind that you took all the risk!

What about when you want to come back off your maternity leave and take a more active role (in your business!) - what kind of shitstorm will that cause with him - or are you expected just to step aside permanently and leave him in charge? How will he fit in with your existing team who are currently doing a fantastic job? Can you fire him? Correct his errors? Give him negative feedback? Even if your relationship was rock solid, could you manage living in each other's pockets 24/7 - working together, living together, never any time apart? Emotionally, that's a really difficult position to be in, even without the power dynamics of an employee/employer situation

What does this guy contribute to your life? He's not supporting his child, he doesn't help out at home - you've offered him a way to truly support you and your child, but apparently domestic stuff isn't glamorous enough for him. Fine for you though), he's trying to bully you out of the running of your own company by using your love for your child as a tool to bludgeon you.

TBH, take him out of the picture, and your life sounds pretty sweet at the moment (and that is just me guessing from what you've written here - I don't know enough about the rest of your situation to know if that's true). Your company is doing well enough that after a short time, it's so successful that you can be part time and still see it grow strongly, and have time with your DD as she grows too. What a brilliant position for you to be in!

SnakeyMcBadass · 14/04/2014 10:55

Please, please, please do not let this man get a foot in your business. Protect yourself and your DD financially. He is paying nothing, and doesn't live with you. You have all of the financial responsibility for yourself and your daughter. The business is yours. Letting him take over will make you vulnerable in every possible way. I'm sorry to bring it up, but if it doesn't work out between you at least as things are you are protected. Imagine splitting and he's at the head of your business. Make you shudder? Good. Don't let it happen. He sounds very much like he sees a good thing and wants the glory. He's trying to steamroller you into giving him his way in quite an unpleasant and manipulative way. Wanting to work for you is one thing, wanting to take over is another. If he makes you choose, please choose your business, your independence and your long term financial security. And I say this as a full time SAHM who is completely reliant on my DH's salary.

bibliomania · 14/04/2014 10:55

No way.

He's telling you feel things you don't. He's implying criticism of your parenting. He's undermining you in an attempt to gain an advantage for himself.

And at some level you know this, or you wouldn't be asking.

Definitely don't offer him a role, ask him to start contributing for dd (if you don't the money immediately, he can start contributing to a savings account for her - set up so he can't just take out the money) and frankly, think very very carefully about going on with this relationship. I wouldn't be letting him move in any time soon.

minibmw2010 · 14/04/2014 10:56

Absolutely not !!! Read back your original post to yourself ... we don't live together, we're making a go of things, etc. He knows there's a possibility that you are not going to end up together and he needs to get himself 'in' before that happens. He is basically insisting you can't cope (when clearly you can) and that he as the man should take over, so take over your business .. and where does that leave you? It's never a good idea to mix business and home life and this is the most prime example of that I've seen in a long time !!!!!! Don't do it ...

wontdoitnomore · 14/04/2014 10:57

SIMPLE!
Stay financially independent via your business, I did , who knows what's around the corner.
Keep him away from your finances,
Let him get his own job,
You aren't his keeper.
He sounds like a ponce to me.
Sorry to be so blunt,
BUT PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER>

WilsonFrickett · 14/04/2014 10:58

No. Way.

So you basically end up supporting DD all by yourself, and DP all by yourself?

Take DD out of the picture and think of him as a BF - because that's what he is essentially, you don't live together and you have no legal connection to each other. Then think about your other ex BF's. Think about how things broke up. Then imagine your worst break up, but with that BF managing your company. Shock Fuck. That.

You know this isn't the right decision for you, or else you wouldn't be posting. Just say no. This isn't right for the business. I'm happy with how things are and have a really good manager. How you could help is by

Repeat as necessary.

SlimJiminy · 14/04/2014 11:03

The more I think about this, the more angry I am about his attitude. Someone mentioned upthread that you're an incredible role model for your daughter and they're absolutely right. He is massively undermining your achievements if he thinks he can waltz in and run your business as you have done - how fucking dare he. Angry He isn't doing you any favours. You don't need him. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. EVER. No 'maybe one day' or 'we'll see how things go' or any of that crap. Just no.

CluckYouChicksAndThatCross · 14/04/2014 11:04

I am outraged on your behalf! This has really riled me.

Do not under any circumstances give him your much loved job!

Why would you? You get to see dd, you have a great team, you can put in the hours you want! You have it all, and he wants it.

He will ruin it. As a PP said, bring him in at the top and your team will resent you (even if he's good at the job). You'll have created injustice in your business, and your wonderful team will suffer. Why would you do that to them? Why would you do that to dd's income?

As for his emotional blackmail, that's just disgusting. Anyone who pays nothing towards their dc and then accuses the other parent of letting their dc down, deserves no respect at all.

rollonthesummer · 14/04/2014 11:07

Why doesn't he contribute financially? Has OP answered that?

wontdoitnomore · 14/04/2014 11:07

PLEASE OP,

Take heed of all the advice you are receiving..
It's a BIG FAT NO from us all.
KEEP HIM AWAY.

Let us know how he reacts when you tell him NO.

LoveVintage · 14/04/2014 11:10

No! He is absolutely emotionally blackmailing you because he is unhappy in his job and sees doing your job/working for your business as a way out of that and also making an easier, possibly better paid, life for himself. It would be a recipe for disaster.

Apart from anything else, if you did, and your business was to go tits up, then you would both be financially stuffed.

CabbagesAndKings · 14/04/2014 11:10

No way OP. Absolutely no way.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself- building such a successful new business singlehanded, while being pregnant and having a newborn, is absolutely fantastic. And now 'D'P wants to swan in and take over?

I think it would be a bit different if you'd been married for 20 years, but he has no knowledge of your business, and you don't even live with him!

He sounds like a bit of a prat in general, but even if he was a lovely caring person I still think you should say no.

msrisotto · 14/04/2014 11:11

Jesus, he's got a fucking cheek hasn't he?

You sound amazing. Single handedly starting your own business that is successful, supporting yourself and your DD ALL ON YOUR OWN. He's not doing a thing. Less than divorced men.

You've done all of this and he hates his poxy job, wants to PUSH you out of yours and take over running the joint as if he has any experience, know how or gumption of his own.

Don't be taken for a mug by this man.

Apatite1 · 14/04/2014 11:14

Yes, you should absolutely do as he says.

WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER.

He does no childcare, pays no maintenance, doesn't even sound like a great partner in any way and you want to literally give him your business? I would have laughed in his wannabe cocklodger's face and showed him the bloody door. I'm actually quite incensed that he thought a successful businesswoman could ever be THAT stupid. Clearly, you are tired and not thinking straight with the new baby, never fear MN has backed you up completely. Big congrats on the new business, you've done expceptionally well for yourself and your daughter. PLEASE hold on to it!

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 14/04/2014 11:15

The fact he doesn't even contribute to dd now is a big red flag.

He wants an easy ride.

I'm afraid he is seeing you as a cash cow,

lottiegarbanzo · 14/04/2014 11:17

Btw, just trying to understand what his suggestion really is. He's not talking about giving up his job to offer you six months maternity cover is he. So, if your business doesn't need - therefore cannot afford - an 'extra' manager (as anyone with the business sense he claims to have, or frankly very little, like me, can see) then what he's proposing is that you become a SAHM while he runs the business long term. Is that right?

But if one of you was to become a SAHP wouldn't it make sense if that was the lower earner, him?

You'd need a solid, established relationship for anyone being a SAHP and becoming financially dependent to make sense though.

antimatter · 14/04/2014 11:17

200K turnover is probably just enough to pay 4 people you employ and yourself

if he is that keen - he can start his own business in the evnings and build it like yours

he isn't looking after his own child and he wants to look after your business? what a cunning plan to take it over and perhaps ruin it very quickly

antimatter · 14/04/2014 11:18

oh sorry - you said profit, not turnover, but still I bet you are investing and don't need to give it away

CabbagesAndKings · 14/04/2014 11:18

I really hope OP comes back and confirms that she's told this bloke to go swivel.

18 months, 12 of which she's been pregnant and with a newborn, and it's turning over 200k....just wow. That is quite something.

And meanwhile, 'D'P doesn't pay a penny maintenance and isn't interested in spending more time with his baby.

The thought of her effectively giving it all over into his hands breaks my heart a little bit.

ScrambledSmegs · 14/04/2014 11:20

Oh, HELL NO.

Please don't make a go of it with this man, just look at him. He wants your job, your status, everything you've worked hard for without having done a thing to earn it. No, no no!

Get him to pay maintenance. That's what he need to do to support his DD. Not steal your business from under you.