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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
VinoTime · 14/04/2014 21:32

He sounds like a peach.

Have been checking back all day to see if there was an update, OP. Stick to your guns, lady! You're doing great.

And what the hell does he mean why do you need money for your dd? Is he under the impression she only needs oxygen to survive? Just because your business is successful doesn't give him a free pass out of his parental responsibilities! Jesus.

Seriously, what a douche.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/04/2014 21:32

Well, I happen to think its your dd's right and her fathers responsibility to look after her and contribute to her loving expenses... Whatever the income of either parent.

Littlegreyauditor · 14/04/2014 21:33

I think you need to get rid of him OP. He wants to quit work, cherry pick they most glamourous bits of everything you are currently doing, call himself the Big I Am (pissing off your staff in the process) and then what?

He will be leeching money out of your business whilst realistically probably just sitting around the house playing Mario Kart in his pants while you do the work, or worse he will be meddling with all your hard work and driving your business into the ground.

He does not meet your current recruitment requirements; professionally, romantically, emotionally or as a parent. You are under no current obligation to retain him. I advise you to keep it that way.

I think his behaviour will become ever more interesting as he realises you are not just going to let him have your cake and eat it. In his mind he will be all important and you will be at home, ironing his knickers and attending to his whims...fine if it suited you but not if the sacrifice is too much.

Balls to that OP. Look what you have achieved. Look at the astonishing role model you will be to your daughter. Don't give all your power, security and brilliance away to service the monstrous ego of this meagre little man.

You are mighty. Stay that way. Wink

Coumarin · 14/04/2014 21:37

I will never forget he told me he felt sorry for our then unborn DD for having a mother like me.

Wow I missed that bit. Shock That's horrendous.

libertychick · 14/04/2014 21:40

OP you are bloody amazing to do what you have done. From reading through your comments, there is no doubt in my mind that your life will get better and better once he is gone.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 21:47

"I will never forget he told me he felt sorry for our then unborn DD for having a mother like me"

And yet he wants to "become" you ie take over your job? He is a bit hard of thinking, isn't he?

Hmm, mother who works hard, pays all the bills, looks after DD all day and works when she sleeps and father who won't do housework or childcare, won't pay for anything and is incredibly rude to the mother.

Well, there's one disgrace around here and it isn't you.

foslady · 14/04/2014 21:54

And if ever you for one moment doubt yourself may I suggest (if you manage any time!) you read Hilary Devey's autobiography. You appear to have the same drive and determination....and abusive relationship....

Or come back on here and we'll remind you!Grin

cees · 14/04/2014 22:02

God sleep he is such a pig, you keep following your gut and stay strong for your dd, with or without that asshole.

BitchPeas · 14/04/2014 22:14

God he reminds me of my ex.

You are bloody amazing OP. Ignore him. Go to csa. End the relationship. He will only grind you down and make your life harder. Do not engage with anymore of his mind games.

Make yours and DD's life more amazing than it already is. He can go find another victim!

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2014 22:24

As he doesn't live with you, the first thing to do tomorrow is change the locks, if he has a key. You want to make sure he can't come in to your home. If he has any belongings in your house, pack them up for him to collect. Tell him he's dumped, be absolutely calm, inform him that you will sort out maintenance/contact via email, then block any other contact from him. You need to be very firm now, while you can, while DD is still too little to be aware of what's going on. He may disappear completely, but that will be no great loss. If he gets unpleasant, don't be afraid to use the law to keep him at a distance.

You're clearly terrifically strong and smart: well done. The only possible chink in your armour could be the idea, planted some time ago, that a woman needs a man and a child needs a father. Neither of these things are true and neither you nor your DD need a selfish, sexist parasite like him.

cjelh · 14/04/2014 22:45

He is certainly showing you who he really is, isn't he?

itsbetterthanabox · 14/04/2014 22:52

I think if he is worried about you doing too much then he should look after the baby a lot more! Move in and actually parent.
You need secure income you have a baby. If the business does fail and he works there too you are both fucked.
He can find a new job and consider this possibly when the business is more established.

mistlethrush · 14/04/2014 22:54

HE TOLD YOU WHAT!!!???

So glad you posted today OP!

BrianTheMole · 14/04/2014 23:13

He probably will be horrible op. But so what. You are amazing. He on the other hand, is not.

Katrose · 15/04/2014 03:03

Tell him your business has crashed and you're penniless- I wonder if he'll want to know who you are then? Sounds like a prize twat OP

cat88 · 15/04/2014 06:15

You need to distance yourself from this individual now. What a number he has done already on you- a strong smart women.

How does he know so much about your business?? If you are the one telling him - stop it now. I echo previous comments - tell him your business has hit difficulties, I'm sure you can make something up and watch his reaction...Also could he have any contact with your employees? If so what has he been saying to them??

You dont need this man in your life but the more you have contact with him the more he will persuade you otherwise. Its quite concerning that you have not already kicked him to the kerb for what he said whilst you were pregnant. Listen to your gut.

ChinUpChestOut · 15/04/2014 06:28

OP - what were your responses to that little load of bullshit he just came out with?

And could you please change your username to SuperwomanKicksButt because you are and you're going to.

Jengnr · 15/04/2014 06:35

So you bring in all the money, do all the childcare and he does fuck all but is telling you you can't cope?

Shyeah, right.

Bin him off. See how well he copes when he actually has to take some responsibility.

hellokittymania · 15/04/2014 06:39

No, no and nooooo!

Don't allow it.

BecauseIsaidS0 · 15/04/2014 06:44

Another voice joining the chorus of "do not do it!"

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/04/2014 06:56

He's really awful you know. Totally manipulative and selfish. I suspect you are on your way to getting rid of him, and you will do brilliantly without him.

CrabbyBlossomBottom · 15/04/2014 06:59

Blimey you are sooooooooo not being unreasonable! Shock Alarm bells were going off left right and centre as I read your OP, and then it's been great to read the anger/indignation dawning on you in your posts as you realise what a twat he's being. I don't need to say it as you've clearly realised by now, but don't let this man anywhere near your business! Go with your gut instinct!

Bunbaker · 15/04/2014 07:13

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

43percentburnt · 15/04/2014 07:30

I have read the entire thread. I am amazed.

He told you he felt sorry for your unborn baby. He is a disgusting person. My ex used to say things like this it only gets worse, believe me.

You have seen his true colours, this is who he is, the nice him (if he ever acts nicely, thoughtfully etc) is an act. The real him thinks you can't (shouldn't) be able to cope. He feels if little old you can earn that money surely he would do it better. He would piss off your hardworking staff, they would question your business sense, and possibly leave. It wouldn't be his fault. You would have to resolve whilst paying your cock lodger.

He is showing you exactly who he is. Exactly what he would be like as a partner.

Apply for Csa maintenance and bank every single penny for your little girl. A) this would provide a nest egg for her.
B) if he was going to do this he would have done it already.
C) you never know you may need it one day.

To put into perspective my dh was pt when we had our baby (im the main earner, he is now a sahd - I was very established in my career) he put 1/3 of his salary away for our babies future as soon as he had the id to open the bank account.

Your spider senses are tingling, go with your gut it is there for a reason. Write in a notebook (or on here) what he says as you will forget and feel unreasonable.

You are doing amazingly, keep your business and your home for you and your dd.

CSIJanner · 15/04/2014 07:35