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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 15/04/2014 07:36

You do not owe him a chance. You can cope perfectly ( you are). Your determination and tenacity may be your problem (for once) you will be determined to make it work/try and keep the relationship together. Sometimes it's worth throwing in the towel!

Dd won't remember any of it, she can still have a relationship with him - but maintaining that relationship is his responsibility NOT yours.

Look after yourselves.

MardyBra · 15/04/2014 07:40

OP. So glad this thread is helping.

BUT MNers, this is starting to feel like a crowd with pitchforks in Shrek - with hundreds of posters chanting LTB. Or [cynical] , maybe everyone is adding their quick "you go girl" comment to mark their place. Hmm

It almost feels like nagging now. I do understand that people are wanting to help but I hope the OP isn't feeling overwhelmed.

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 15/04/2014 12:28

Hi everyone.

I don't have much to update really as he hasn't said very much.

I have told him he won't be joining the business under any circumstances and that I am perfectly happy with the way things are with my current team. He mumbled a few words, went quiet, ended the conversation and I haven't heard from him since last night, which is unusual as he tends to text me a lot during the day and always to say goodnight / morning.

I think he is in shock and planning his next steps.

I know for sure he will start saying things like I'm unstable or depressed - yes he uses those a lot.

We will see!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/04/2014 12:31

Sulking then? What a charming trait, that isnt at all childish and unattractive is it?

What an arse!

zzzzz · 15/04/2014 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldraver · 15/04/2014 13:03

God he sounds like a weazely controlling twunt. I dont think he will play ball with maintenece at all, so would go straight to CSA (cant remember the new name).

From what you have said I reckon he will get nasty so be prepared

You sound like your doing wonderfully well and will blossom even more without this man in your life. How much does he see your DD now as it doesn't sound like he is very involved at the moment ?

Takingthemickey · 15/04/2014 13:16

OP pls continue to stay strong and be on your guard against all the bull he will pull to mess with your head.

You are capable. He is the one who is incapable. He will sulk, tantrum, gaslight, insult and blackmail. Don't believe his shit.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 15/04/2014 13:28

OP can you just avoid him as much as possible? he does not sound like a good person to be around.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2014 13:55

OK, don't text or call or try to see him. Ignore him completely and wait for him to make his next move. As someone else said, he may propose, or he may attack. EIther way, it's fine to keep him out of your house, put the phone down on him or ignore texts or emails.
You do not owe this man anything at all. You can facilitiate him seeing DD if he behaves himself and asks to see her, but otherwise you don't need to have any interaction with him. He's demonstrated himself to be greedy, selfish, dishonest, lazy and abusive so the less you and DD have to do with him the better.

SlimJiminy · 15/04/2014 14:15

Hope you're ok op - must be hard to do the right thing when he's telling you you're not/you're letting DD down/your a crap mum, etc. Don't listen to any of it. You're a MUCH better person than he's led you to believe. You're far too good for him AND HE KNOWS IT - That's why he's done everything he can to grind you down. I'm so glad you posted here. Really glad it's helped you to see things a bit more clearly.

SquidgyMummysCat · 15/04/2014 14:17

Delurking

You have done brilliantly and glad that you have stood up to him.

Hope you realise that he is your STBXP

He will use every trick in the book to undermine you, I think he has been playing you from the very beginning.

My niggling concern is that he will try and then use your daughter to undermine you (talking about shared custody etc.)

I am not to aware of these areas, but make sure you take good advice in advance of officially splitting up (but apart from conceiving your DD, it seems like you have not really been together as a couple / family thank god)

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 15/04/2014 14:24

Hi OP, I agree with others who suspect he will hurl abuse at your parenting skills and your DD. He's found your weak spot and he's exploiting it.

I suggest you tell him you need a 3 month break and think very carefully about supervised access to DD with another person present (like grandparents). If he's on her birth certificate and has parental rights, you need to think about how far would he go....would he refuse to hand back DD (forcing you to go to court which could take what would feel like an eternity?)... would he threaten that?

I don't mean to scare you, but as he's already done such astonishingly cheeky things and he obviously knows DD is your weakness, that you need to stay ahead of him and plan, plot and prepare.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2014 14:26

Did he mention the job again when you were on the phone with him, or did you mention it first? Love the idea of him being in shock. Even if he was spectacularly well qualified to do the job (which doesn't appear to be the case) he shouldn't be in shock at not getting a non-advertised job.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/04/2014 14:58

When this thread first started I just thought he was workshy or a cocklodger. Now I think he is displaying signs of emotionally abusive.

FaceDirectionOfTravel · 15/04/2014 15:05

Wow, I wondered how he would react. Well done OP. You prob do need to change locks though. Sad

expatinscotland · 15/04/2014 15:33

'I know for sure he will start saying things like I'm unstable or depressed - yes he uses those a lot.'

Because he is gaslighting. That is classically abusive behaviour.

What SolidGold said.

And just go to the CSA, no 'I would like you to pay maintenance'. That's not a choice, that's a compulsion.

amicissimma · 15/04/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wontdoitnomore · 15/04/2014 16:23

Nothing more to discuss, end of.

He gets his own job, -pays maintenance for his daughter-

You keep your business and future financial security.
(protect your business with your life)

Keep future contact by email, only regarding dd.
Tell him you don't want him in your life.

Don't spend valuable time with, he might/wants/you should/ etc.
You, your DD and your business come first.
He is a waste of valuable time.
He will destroy you for sure if you allow him in.

I bet he would "ask" for a new car straightaway, as he would need it for DD, (I bet he would want a 4x4) if he hasn't already

Keep him away from your life.

QueenofallIsee · 15/04/2014 16:47

He is a cheeky so and so who has his eye on the main chance- hates his job, fancies being the big boss without the graft. Say no

QueenofallIsee · 15/04/2014 16:47

Bugger - sorry, I do usually read the whole thread!

SuburbanSpaceperson · 16/04/2014 14:42

I predict that when it dawns on him that his previously successful method of shutting you down (criticising your parenting/ability to manage your own life) isn't working any more, he will try another tack.

He will probably just turn up or phone behaving as though nothing has happened, and he will be bearing gifts or the promise of gifts. This will either be something small or thoughtful, perhaps something that you have been talking about or asking him to do, most likely something cute for your DD. Or it will be a grand gesture that you don't really want but that anybody would appear ungrateful for refusing, like a fabulous holiday to the Maldives.

Because you are superwoman (and have the collective experience MN behind you) you will rightly recognise this as an attempt to reel you back in rather than the symbol of genuine love and concern that he claims it to be.

Then he will either return to the original bad mother/not coping spiel or he will be hurt and practically weepy because everything he ever does is for the benefit of you and DD, and you have broken his heart and damaged his relationship with his DD forever because you refuse to recognise the depth of his self-sacrifice.

It's all bollox!

SuburbanRhonda · 16/04/2014 15:12

Personal experience by any chance suburban?

Great NN, btw Wink

SuburbanSpaceperson · 16/04/2014 15:39

The suburbs rock Rhonda (but not after 10pm or before 9am on Sundays). Grin

STBXH is not a bit like this, it's other people's relationships that I have experience of. (Disclaimer: STBXH checks up on me on MN and I expressly do not have his permission to put anything to do with our relationship in the public domain so I obviously would get into trouble if the above was in any way relating to our marriage. Which it isn't, I hope that's clear.)

LadybirdsEverywhere · 16/04/2014 18:22

It is now time for you to get on the CSA website!

WickedWitchoftheNorthWest · 16/04/2014 18:41

The way he acts, it's as if, despite all evidence to the contrary, he thinks he's in some way superior to you and that he should therefore be the one running a successful business. The thing that worries me is that perhaps somehow, deep down, you agree with him. Otherwise I think you would have dumped his sorry arse ages ago. Do you somehow feel you're not worthy of your success? Because you absolutely are - you built this, and sound like an excellent mum as well with no help from him.

Well done telling him in no uncertain terms that he won't be having anything to do with your business.