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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 18/04/2014 20:22

Well all of a sudden DD is the most important thing in the world to him. I would love for that to be true but he is just coming across as so insincere.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/04/2014 20:23

"Whats happened to you" means "WHy wont you do what I want because it would make my life easier, I thought I had you trained properly!"

Ignore him. Contact the CSA and arrange mediation for access arrangements.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/04/2014 20:24

Have you told him he is dumped?

Bogeyface · 18/04/2014 20:24

It is true Sleep because she is the only thing he has left that he can try to reel you in with. He doesnt want to lose the goose that lays the golden egg and will use every weapon in his arsenal to make sure he doesnt.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/04/2014 20:24

Ignore, ignore and ignore.

Get legal advice about contact, deal with him through a Solicitor.

Stay strong, he's going to bombard you with abusive texts as he's realised his gravy train has ended.

Come on kid, laugh at his efforts to upset you.

SuburbanSpaceperson · 18/04/2014 20:25

Don't respond or react, be really bland and boring. Just tell him that have discussed the situation with him as much as you intend to, you wish him well but you and he no longer have a romantic relationship and you will never have a business relationship.

Don't worry about him making you out to be the villain, don't defend yourself it will only reveal your weak spots to him so that he can twist the knife further where it hurts. You know you have done the right thing and that you are a good mother, anyone that he defames you to will either know you well enough that they won't believe him or they don't know you, in which case their opinion doesn't count.

You're doing great!

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 18/04/2014 20:25

Yes I have.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 18/04/2014 20:27

Well then really the only thing he should be contacting you about is access, isn't it?.

Anything else is bordering on harassment.

rollonthesummer · 18/04/2014 20:28

Let us know any difficult texts and I'm sure we can think of suitable replies if you're stuck!

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 18/04/2014 20:31

"Please just stop and think about what you are doing. This is nuts. I have only ever been kind and tried to help in any way I can. Why are you doing this to DD?"

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/04/2014 20:33

Ignore, ignore and ignore.

He's a twat.

Snatchoo · 18/04/2014 20:34

'Doing what? What has denying you the chance to take over my company got to do with our daughter? Don't you think it's more damaging that one of her parents isn't willing to contribute to her upbringing?'

gamerchick · 18/04/2014 20:34

what is he saying you've done? All you've done is said he isn't taking over your business.. how does that affect the bairn? Hmm

gamerchick · 18/04/2014 20:35

xpost

Goldmandra · 18/04/2014 20:35

Yes I have.

Sorry, didn't realise you'd dumped him.

In that case ignore everything except requests to arrange appropriate contact.

Snatchoo · 18/04/2014 20:35

Actually, I think you should respond with the ever mature, 'sez you'.

Seriously, he is such a dick isn't he.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/04/2014 20:37

I'd ignore that one. You do not need to explain why you don't want to be with him anymore after the initial break up.

He'll be diagnosing you with pnd next.

gamerchick · 18/04/2014 20:38

ah, got it. I missed the bit where you dumped him.

Quinteszilla · 18/04/2014 20:39

If you must respond,

"What makes you think I dont have my childs best interest in heart when I dont let you take over my business? It is not in her interest for me to put me out of work, and to pay your salary. I suggest you stay responsible for your own salary so you also can contribute to your child. You are harassing me, please stop"

Or go with Goldmandras:

""There's nothing wrong with me. You were suggesting that you took over running the business I built up and I've just let you know that I don't want that to happen and I've asked you to contribute to your own child's living expenses.
I don't think those things are very unreasonable. If you think that means there is something wrong with me, perhaps we didn't know each other as well as we thought."

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 18/04/2014 20:40

Ignore his questions, and ask when his child maintenance payment, which you/CSA calculate to be £X, will appear in your bank account. Also suggest some regular contact time; deal only in facts, not whiney mind-fucks.

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 18/04/2014 20:48

Thanks for the suggestions. I will try to ignore for now. I'm so used to defending myself to his accusations I forget that I don't actually have to! He can think what he likes, I know the truth. It won't be long and he'll start asking my family what is wrong with me, that he's worried about me etc. I will just have to pre warn them.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 18/04/2014 20:54

Are your family supportive? I hope they don't want you to hand over your business to him just so you won't be on your own.

You're doing well. As you say, he can think what he likes. I'd tell him that you don't love him and being with someone you don't love would be far more detrimental to DD! He has no say over anything.

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 18/04/2014 20:56

They are generally supportive, especially my dad. When I told my mum I would be pursuing child support she said I was being mean. But other than that, yes.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 18/04/2014 20:59

Good to hear. Don't let his toxic texts convince you you're doing the wrong thing.

BitchPeas · 18/04/2014 21:00

Stay strong OP. Ignore him, he'll try every tactic until he realises you won't give in. Just stay polite and distant and only communicate in writing. And go to the csa.