Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i being unreasonable to beleive that real love can result from an affair.

112 replies

chatternatter9 · 12/04/2014 17:34

Affairs are wrong, I know, they cause hurt and distress to All concerned. However I am human and I had an affair , I am now with the person I had the affair with... it was not a quick decision, or a decision at all, fate brought us together again many years after the affair... I trust this man with all my heart although everything about us started as a lie, has anyone else had a similar experience and can real love and trust really exist between two people who had such a sticky start?

OP posts:
Ritzandchocolate · 12/04/2014 17:37

I haven't but my friend did. She had an affair in 2005 and they got married in 2011. Still together.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 17:38

Love, yes.

I wouldn't trust anyone sneaky enough to have an affair though.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/04/2014 17:38

Yes I guess so - my ex husband still has the same woman plus now has children with her.

Polonius · 12/04/2014 17:39

Yes, I do believe true love can result from an affair. Love can result from any situation, that's the thing with love - it just hits you without planning.

It's just taboo to say so because we are supposed to be on the side of scorned women.

I actually think plenty of marriages, separations, and marriages again have a period of overlap. There are Worse things than cheating in my opinion.

Bowlersarm · 12/04/2014 17:39

What age are you and are children involved?

I fell in love with DH when we were in our mid twenties, happily in very long standing relationships but without children and not married. We had an affair, and coming up to 30 years later are totally in love. We are thrilled we met each other when it was relatively easy to move on.

Original poster
chatternatter9 · 12/04/2014 17:42

That's nice, I hope they are happy. I think sometimes you value things more wen you've made a few mistakes in life.:-)

OP posts:
nastymrsvicar · 12/04/2014 17:42

YANBU - people on here always say 'It will never last, they won't be able to trust each other' etc. but that's obviously not always true. I can think of several examples I know and then there are famous couples - Charles and Camilla, Harold Pinter and Antonia Fraser etc.

pictish · 12/04/2014 17:43

Yanbu. Fil and his wife have been together for over 20 years after their affair. They are totally smitten with one another.

Unfortunately, that's pretty much all they are smitten with, and quite patently couldn't give a fuck about who they hurt with their lies, betrayal and dishonesty at the time...and have always behaved as though it was everyone else's problem, because they're a pair of selfish cunts.
They deserve one another.

AmIthatSpringy · 12/04/2014 17:43

Of course it can.

Just because they met the other person first, doesn't mean that they are the true love of their lives.

Maybe some of us "settle" and then meet the person we are meant to be with

Amytheflag · 12/04/2014 17:46

Wouldn't you always wonder when it would be your turn to be cheated on?

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 12/04/2014 17:46

Yes of course it can. Sometimes things start the wrong way but the people who end up together are perfect for each other (that sounds like an insult but it's not!)

nkf · 12/04/2014 17:48

I think "true love" is the sort of immature guff that leads to affairs in the first place. So, yes, definitely. True love, affairs, star crossed lovers, soulmates, meant to be together - all the sentimental twaddle you can imagine.

neverthebride · 12/04/2014 17:50

Of course it can.

It's ALWAYS better if people finish a relationship they're not happy in before cheating though. As far as I'm concerned, if someone can turn your head enough to spark an affair then you saw the signs BEFORE anything emotional or physical happened and should have ended the relationship you were in.

It's when people 'hedge their bets' and see how an emotional or physical connection progresses before they end their existing relationship that the most damage is caused.

Some 'affairs' do progress to long-term happy and loving relationships. I've known many people have successful relationships that started as affairs but they did cause a lot of damage in their making.

FoxyTerrier · 12/04/2014 17:56

I think, statistically, the odds of it lasting are very, very low (shockingly so in fact...but cant remember what Confused

Original poster
chatternatter9 · 12/04/2014 17:56

I met my DP in my twenties, we got together properly when I was 40. :-) were both different people now, I like your Post its very touching to hear your still in love after all those years. I was expecting a lot of negative feedback on the issue but your story is lovely.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 12/04/2014 17:59

Lots of affairs do end up with the couple being happy, however it also means that their relationship starts with a lot of baggage that it wouldn't have, had they ended other relationships first. It also means that sometimes a couple have fallen in love and 'commited' to the relationship, whereas if their relationship had been exposed to practicalities earlier, they wouldn't have got to that stage. (often in cases where one partner is older than the other)

balenciaga · 12/04/2014 17:59

Mine started as an affair, real clichéd stuff, he was older, (9 years) and been married for years. I was a young single mum, we met as I was a singer in a band and he joined the band just because he fancied me. (I later discovered...)

He started to pursue me and I'm Not proud but we both fell fast and hard. He left his exw very quickly, within a few weeks. It all moved super fast and 6 years on we've been married 4 years (we pretty much did it the minute the ink was dry on the decree absolute) we have a 5 year old dd and a newborn dd, he's stepdad to my eldest dc and we are still blissfully happy, we are best friends

I'm not going to even try and justify it as according to some on here I'm evil incarnate end of as is dh. But the above is just the facts ... Sometimes if things are meant to be they are meant to be and it will work. but I'll warn you op it's hard esp at the start and it will test you both to the limits.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2014 18:01

But the point is what is to stop a person having another affair if they have already had one affair. Nothing. I think people should end the relationship they are in before embarking on a new one. It is only fair and decent behaviour.

Original poster
chatternatter9 · 12/04/2014 18:01

That's nice, I hope they are happy. I think sometimes you value things more wen you've made a few mistakes in life.:-)

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 12/04/2014 18:01

My granddad was married when he met my nan, it was a long running affair that lasted years (my nan was only 17 when they met) they are still together to this day but the fall out was huge. My granddad children from his first marriage did not speak to him for 40 years and their mother sadly committed suicide.

I think when children are involved, especially older children then the person who had an affair risks ruining their relationship with their own child.

Pipbin · 12/04/2014 18:03

My DH was an affair.
I was meant to be getting married and I knew how I felt about DH. I knew that I could get married and to one person when I was in love with another. So I called off the wedding. DH and I have been together for 15 years now.

An affair is wrong but it can be hard to admit you are in the wrong relationship.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2014 18:04

Of course it can end in love but people have a terrible habit of reverting to type - just look at that muppet Anthea Turner married.

HollyBrrr · 12/04/2014 18:05

My Uncle had an affair over a decade ago and is still with his partner and her DCs. For all intents and purposes they are very much in love and do seem to be a far better match than their previous partners. However, the fallout for his DCs (let alone his ex-wife) continues to this day - he has a very troubled relationship with them and I don't think they've ever forgiven him for the hue amount of pain he caused their mother - quite rightly too, IMO. Just because the end result is a happy, long lasting relationship that doesn't mean that having an affair is right. Although I love my uncle and he's a good man in many respects, I always felt that his actions showed an underlying selfishness and total disregard for his children as well as his wife.

Original poster
chatternatter9 · 12/04/2014 18:11

I agree it is a bit more challenging at the beginning as you're subconsciously trying hard to Prove that you CAN be trusted as opposed to meeting a stranger and going on face value. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat, infact quite the opposite... most people have a conscience.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 12/04/2014 18:12

Subsequent relationships can work extremely well (though divorce stats show it's more likely to fail than first marriages).

There's generally a better shot at it all working if the marriage/s are ended before linking up with someone else (looking at examples in my family). Less fallout and bitterness, easier for the DC, better start to new relationship.