am i being unreasonable to beleive that real love can result from an affair.

[chatternatter9]

Affairs are wrong, I know, they cause hurt and distress to All concerned. However I am human and I had an affair , I am now with the person I had the affair with... it was not a quick decision, or a decision at all, fate brought us together again many years after the affair... I trust this man with all my heart although everything about us started as a lie, has anyone else had a similar experience and can real love and trust really exist between two people who had such a sticky start?

[blackcurrentjuice]

I was deeply unhappy in my first relationship. My DP had cheated but we had a child and felt that I couldn't leave.

I met and became friendly with now DH. Automatically I knew I was going to end my relationship with my then DP.

I never physically cheated on my ex, but meeting DH was the catalyst for me leaving. I got with DH after I left but often wonder would I have left just because I was unhappy, and I conclude that I wouldn't have done, but I certainly wasn't in love with the ex.

I did cause hurt and upset to my ex and I understand and take responsibility for it. I only hope that by not cheating on my ex that this shows that I do respect him in some way.

[beyondraisinabledoubt]

I think about 1 in 10 affairs end in along marriage between the affair partners so, yes, it can happen. But not that often.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

It can, yes.

I know someone who got married at 26. He had an affair when he was 33, left his wife and married the other woman. He had another affair at 42 but his second wife took him back. At 50 he had another affair, left his second wife and married the second other woman. At 60 he had another affair, left his third wife and is now living with the third other woman.

He loved them all. Just not for very long, obviously.

[flipchart]

My ex had an affair nearly 30 years ago. He is still with her and have 2,children and are still loved up.
A lot of water has gone under the bridge in those years and I see them around a lot in town either as a family or just the two of them having a night out. They are more suited together than me and him were.

He plays in a band and she is his biggest fan!

[Mama1980]

My nan and grandad had affair, he was engaged to her sister. They were happily married for 50 years. Her sister forgave them in time by the time I was born they would laugh together about it.

[winklewoman]

I had an affair in 1968, married the OM in 1971; we have two DSs and three DGcs. EX and I had no children, which made the break up far less traumatic, and indeed enabled it to happen. Nevertheless I realise it was terrible for my XH.
Fortunately for our consciences, (but, to be truthful, also faintly irritating) he met and married an American heiress and seems to have had a happy and mega comfortable life ever since.
Never for a nanosecond have I regretted what DH and I did, and as far as I know we have both been faithful.

[Louise1956]

Yes, i think it probably can, though it is very sad for the people who might be hurt by this. especially if there are children.

My mother left her first husband for my father when my half sister was two years old (my mother had known my father previously, but they had lost touch during WW2, she had thought him dead). my sister had a rather rotten childhood, shunted about between our mother and her father, her father remarried but his new wife was horrible to her, and she said her father never got over our mother leaving him. it all seems terribly sad.

[phlebasconsidered]

My mum had an affair when I was newly born, left my dad. Didn't want to be the "baddie", I grew up never knowing my dad, as she made access difficult and consistently denied me the chance to see him through emotional blackmail. My stepdad is lovely, and they are still together 40 years down the line, but thanks to her I missed out on a childhood knowing my dad. Luckily, I found him as an adult and we get on fabulously. But no thanks to her. Yes, it did change my opinion of her. We have no real relationship now.

Similarly, a family member has just upped and left her partner of 18 years after a secret affair of a year and a half, taking her kids with her straight into the new mans house. I hope happy rainbows of love are shooting out of her arse, because after losing all respect from everyone who has ever known her, that's all she'll have. Unfortunately, she still has the kids.

If you fall in love with someone else, bully for you. Happy rainbows and all that. But don't be selfish enough to conduct an affair, want it your own way, and then be upset when people think you're a git.

[balenciaga]

That's lovely kisses your xp sounds awful, glad you are happy now

[KissesBreakingWave]

Did for me, but it's not the standard story. A year or so ago, an old friend I'd known for years and years and years moved back into town. At the time I was fooling myself that I could handle then-DP's abusive tendencies. Mostly by calmly and patiently pointing out that making a massive production number out of things, and particularly by being aggressive and nasty toward anyone she suspected of wanting to be OW, wasn't helpful.

Anyway, I'm not having a good time most of last year. Three funerals in six months, two of them very, very dear to me. Fourth funeral getting ready to happen to the nearest to a real mum I ever had, and I'm looking after her in the final stages of dementia, off work, carers' allowance so I don't exhaust all my savings, etc.

Ex-P convinces herself that this is not sufficient to explain me being a mopey, miserable bugger with no money and fixes on old friend as the likely OW. Full disclosure, I hit on old friend about ten years ago, she expressed a disinterest in dating, end of subject as far as I'm concerned, sure she's getting divorced at the mo, but I know she's not into me and we'd got to be friends.

Ex-P doesn't know this and rather than asking me, because she knows that ii get snotty about her being paranoid, gets into a weird, stalkery one-sided EA with old friend - late night heart-pouring, earnest discussions etc. Up to my elbows in elderly relative incontinence, getting woken at three in the morning while she rants about angels, all the rest, I notice NOTHING.

Ex-P is, meanwhile, interpreting EVERYTHING as confirmation of her theory that old friend is going to Steal Her Man. (Thinking of me as property, had I known, would have been a dumping offence right there.) It comes to a head with a massive row during which I learn about the long, late night chats I was supposed to be, and she was actually having with old friend. And she'd actually threatened the poor woman, mid divorce, with hurting her children. With the classic bully/abuser's excuse of 'I was just joking'. Offered her the choice of apologising for her behaviour or being dumped, and she told me I couldn't dump her, she was dumping me.

Anyway, hanging out with friends, end up discussing this with old friend and 'what was all that about?' conversations happen. Couple of weeks later, I injure myself embarrassingly (flareup of old trouble) and she is kind enough to see I get to a&E safely. This is where - with me out of my gourd on morphine and gas and air, apparently I am adorable while high as a kite - The Spark happens. We've been together a hair over six months now, and it's going great.

So, yeah, real love can result from an affair. Just not necessarily between the parties thereto.

[IrianofWay]

Of course. I know one couple very well who started as an affair 17 yrs ago and they are still together and seem very happy. But I guess all the factors were right for it to work. She was single, he was looking for a way out. I confess though since h's affair I have revisited my partisan response to the BS' behaviour. Poor woman.

RE the MN response to affairs... I don't think it's all that extreme. There does seem to a fairly zero tolerance response to cheating men but that may be the female demographic, but I think there is a general society-wide dislike of betrayal. There are ways to deal with the end of a relationship, there are ways to deal with falling for someone else, neither of which should involve affairs. Reality is different of course, but it's not totally surprising that most people find affairs distressing.

[MorrisZapp]

Of course real love can result from an affair. My parents divorced after an affair and have both been with their newer partners for decades, much longer than they were together.

My mum and her affair partner have recently split, but their issues were not trust related and in nearly thirty years together never were.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

No, I'm not, dulldeirdre, but I suppose I was when I was 24. I had no idea that he was married and was heartbroken.

[dulldeirdre]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I take it you are / were the OW then?

[DrizzlyTuesday]

My Dad seems to be in love with his G/F who was the OW.

[DoJo]

Having an affair when you have kids isn't just cheating on your partner, it's cheating on your whole family. Even if you are unhappy with your husband or wife, your children don't deserve to be lied to so that you can get your jollies elsewhere. They don't deserve to look back at the times they have spent with their parents and realise that it's all been lies. They certainly shouldn't be left feeling as though one of their parents was prepared to risk their future happiness and potentially their view of relationships so that they could work out what they wanted.
I also have HUGE problems with the physical aspect of these situations. Unless everyone involved is having regular sexual health checks, sleeping with someone outside of your marriage is opening up the possibility of sharing infection. Barrier methods of contraception might be relatively effective, but nobody can guarantee they are safe, and exposing your partner by introducing a third party into your marriage is bordering on unforgivable IMO.

[mangomodellingclay]

I've known it both ways. My GFIL is happily married to the OW and has been for nearly 30yrs but a friend fell pregnant as the result of an affair. They were forced together (both kicked out by partners) fight constantly and don't trust each other at all.

[amroc18]

YANBU to your original question as to whether real love can blossom in these circumstances.

However, for any normal moral person the guilt and pain created by causing suffering to someone you once loved means that it makes the road very rocky. It is important to acknowledge and deal with this pain out of respect to your previous relationship and to allow yourself to move on.

[Dozer]

" it just hits you", "not planned", "fate" etc is all bollocks. Few people experience "love at first sight", many decisions - and excuses - seem to be made along the way.

Bad enough to have an affair when no DC involved, even worse if they are .

[Oldraver]

Well my Father is still with the women he was having an affair with shagging 45 years later

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

ParkingFred, I know someone will pop up to correct this but it was actually dreamt up by the idiotic James Goldsmith, that well-known orator and guru of witticism and enjoyer of multiple affairs with younger women, one of whom had the lack of sense to marry him.

Absolutely though, it's paraded out by women to make themselves or - misguidedly - others to feel better.

[ParkingFred]

'A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy' was made up by a wronged woman to make herself feel better.

Sometimes affairs happen because the relationship was a bit rubbish.

[HagLady]

I know a couple of women who are second wives and they're both very happy in their relationship but have both (they don't know each other) in my opinion demonised the first wives! just for being sahms I think. Like, they deserved to be cheated because they were sahm. I think that need to rationalise is a shame.

[Viviennemary]

Statistically speaking the chances of a relationship surviving, which has come about because of an affair, is not very promising. No amount of justification can justify an affair. Do the decent thing and end one relationship before starting another. Sorry no sympathy from me.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy - rubbish!
A woman who marries her other man creates a vacancy - rubbish!

People keep spouting this absolute trite and meaningless tosh along with 'karma's going to get them' and 'if he can do it with her he can do it to her... blah blah'.

I don't believe that people leave their marriages easily; it's considered because there's a huge amount to potentially lose. Some will get together with their affair partner post marriage, some won't. Of those who get together some will marry and some won't. Of those who marry their affair partner, some will live extremely long and happy lives together.

This constant need for retribution and damnation is utterly pointless and does nothing to heal, yet it's a horrible distraction and the gleeful biding of time waiting for 'karma' is awful to witness. What will you feel when you see that 'karma' hasn't arrived, and you've wasted immeasurable time and bile waiting for it? Life is too short for that.