am i being unreasonable to beleive that real love can result from an affair.

[chatternatter9]

Affairs are wrong, I know, they cause hurt and distress to All concerned. However I am human and I had an affair , I am now with the person I had the affair with... it was not a quick decision, or a decision at all, fate brought us together again many years after the affair... I trust this man with all my heart although everything about us started as a lie, has anyone else had a similar experience and can real love and trust really exist between two people who had such a sticky start?

[affafantoosh]

macdoodle their marriage was falling apart - naïvelythey decided to marry because their relationship was deteriorating. She had already had an affair, but they had committed to have another go. They were basically wrong for each other and I have no doubt that the marriage would have ended without my involvement. His ex remarried quickly and is much happier by all accounts.

None of those facts make it morally OK to have an affair in my opinion, and I'm not proud of it. Nonetheless, we have managed to have a stable and successful relationship in spite of that set of circumstances.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Not sure if my experience counts as an affair?

I was 19. He was my university boyfriend. We'd been together on and off (mainly on) for about a year. Nothing actually happened with dh except email each other until I finished with my ex.

Started going out with dh 2 days later. Married him 18 months after that. Now together over 15 years.

Not sure if it counts? What I do think is that if you take your happiness at the expense of other people then you do pay for it. We have. And I would describe our experience as pretty mild on the "affair" stakes. But the payment is still there.

[maggiemight]

I don't think that those in a new relationship after an affair are likely to admit that everything in the garden isn't rosy.

All the drama and upset of leaving, the affect on relationships with children and other family members, the extra financial issues. I would think it's hard to judge how they are going to pan out before hand.

But once they have committed to the new partner they'd look like complete fools if they then admitted that, actually what they'd had wasn't so bad after all. And that they should have stayed where they were.

Which might be why the 'left' partner often appears bereft while those in the new relationship appear rapturous, in reality it might be that neither in the new relationship are going to let anyone think it is otherwise, even the new partner. Also having caused all this upset they will probably try much harder in their new relationship than they did previously.

[cattypussclaw]

I was the OW. We have now been together for ten years, married for almost 6 and have a daughter. Is everything in the garden rosy? Yes, mostly, although I can't deny that I have struggled with being a step-mum. I can't say it's been easy and there are times when I so wish I'd married a man who hadn't been married before and had children, everything would be so much simpler. But you can't help who you fall in love with. Do I trust my husband? Yes, absolutely.

[MaryWestmacott]

I do think on here there's a view that if you end a marriage without having an affair, it somehow won't be hurtful or devastating for the dumped partner, or any dcs involved. Many terrible marriages limp along until an affair because often unhappy partners don't want to break up their family and hurt their dcs over "nothing", it takes meeting someone else to push them into it.

Without an affair, you are expecting a man who is unhappy in his relationship to break up the family and walk away from seeing dcs every day (as dads rarely end up the resident parent), have a much lower standard of living on the chance they might meet someone else they are happier with. I know one couple who've done this recently, he's still caused devastation and is viewed as selfish, and most people are assuming there is a ow somewhere, because why would he leave? (It's coming up to a year since he walked out and still no new gf, so we're assuming he was genuine, no ow).

He might have picked a more morally acceptable path, but to assume no affair means clean break with hurting exw and dc is just not true.

Any long term relation ending when only one party wants it to end is painful, I understand why so many put off doing it until pushed by wanting to be with someone else.

[RedFocus]

If my dh's exwife hadn't left him for another man we would never have met and got together and even though the break up was tough for him he thanks his lucky stars everyday that she did it because it lead to finding me.
His exwife didn't end up with the OM but she is happy with someone else and there are no hard feelings. So sometimes the fallout is absolutely devastating but sometimes it's not so bad and good things can come from it even for the injured party.

[fedupbutfine]

oh yes, Mary, it's fine to have an affair as a means of leaving a relationship 'cos it's going to hurt anyway....'cos the person being left doesn't have to deal with their life being ripped in two, doesn't have to question every single detail of the life they thought they knew (you know, the bit where you realise he left her bed and got straight into yours), doesn't have those 'now it makes sense moments' over and over again as they start adding it all up, doesn't have to go through the hell of being tested for STIs, doesn't have to put up with a third party reminding them of just how stupid there were not to notice what was going on, doesn't have to deal with their children spending time with the 'new family' and the ow who was so happy to see your family destroyed, doesn't have to deal with the shame and embaresssment of being cheated on and of knowing that you're the last to know, doesn't have to deal with the hell of being lied to over and over and over again....

Affairs are fine 'cos break-ups are hard anyway. You have no idea.

[meditrina]

"to assume no affair means clean break with hurting exw and dc is just not true"

That s true. Then think of that level of hurt, plus the addition of the hurt of betrayal, and (though it's not competitive misery nor is it invariably applicable in every case), betrayal is the harsher course and the one more productive of harm.

Second marriages have a higher break up rate than first ones. Whether or not betrayal was the cause of the first split, then yes some couples make it. But actually most don't. Trying to make a go of something which requires trust, when you know that you are both capable of great deceit, is not easy and a start point from which the odds are very much against you.

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy. I certainly couldn't be with someone so untrustworthy and think you are naive if you think he has changed OP.

[missymarmite]

I suppose it is possible, although I'd be inclined to wonder if my partner would be capable of doing it again, which could sour the relationship. I guess it depends on extenuating circumstances; whether it was a one off, regrettable situation due to a failing relationship, as opposed to a serial cheater...

[scarletthollie5]

Yes it can had an affair, still together after 34 years. It might not be morally right but you never know what goes on in any relationship unless you are involved

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy - rubbish!
A woman who marries her other man creates a vacancy - rubbish!

People keep spouting this absolute trite and meaningless tosh along with 'karma's going to get them' and 'if he can do it with her he can do it to her... blah blah'.

I don't believe that people leave their marriages easily; it's considered because there's a huge amount to potentially lose. Some will get together with their affair partner post marriage, some won't. Of those who get together some will marry and some won't. Of those who marry their affair partner, some will live extremely long and happy lives together.

This constant need for retribution and damnation is utterly pointless and does nothing to heal, yet it's a horrible distraction and the gleeful biding of time waiting for 'karma' is awful to witness. What will you feel when you see that 'karma' hasn't arrived, and you've wasted immeasurable time and bile waiting for it? Life is too short for that.

[Viviennemary]

Statistically speaking the chances of a relationship surviving, which has come about because of an affair, is not very promising. No amount of justification can justify an affair. Do the decent thing and end one relationship before starting another. Sorry no sympathy from me.

[HagLady]

I know a couple of women who are second wives and they're both very happy in their relationship but have both (they don't know each other) in my opinion demonised the first wives! just for being sahms I think. Like, they deserved to be cheated because they were sahm. I think that need to rationalise is a shame.

[ParkingFred]

'A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy' was made up by a wronged woman to make herself feel better.

Sometimes affairs happen because the relationship was a bit rubbish.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

ParkingFred, I know someone will pop up to correct this but it was actually dreamt up by the idiotic James Goldsmith, that well-known orator and guru of witticism and enjoyer of multiple affairs with younger women, one of whom had the lack of sense to marry him.

Absolutely though, it's paraded out by women to make themselves or - misguidedly - others to feel better.

[Oldraver]

Well my Father is still with the women he was having an affair with shagging 45 years later

[Dozer]

" it just hits you", "not planned", "fate" etc is all bollocks. Few people experience "love at first sight", many decisions - and excuses - seem to be made along the way.

Bad enough to have an affair when no DC involved, even worse if they are .

[amroc18]

YANBU to your original question as to whether real love can blossom in these circumstances.

However, for any normal moral person the guilt and pain created by causing suffering to someone you once loved means that it makes the road very rocky. It is important to acknowledge and deal with this pain out of respect to your previous relationship and to allow yourself to move on.

[mangomodellingclay]

I've known it both ways. My GFIL is happily married to the OW and has been for nearly 30yrs but a friend fell pregnant as the result of an affair. They were forced together (both kicked out by partners) fight constantly and don't trust each other at all.

[DoJo]

Having an affair when you have kids isn't just cheating on your partner, it's cheating on your whole family. Even if you are unhappy with your husband or wife, your children don't deserve to be lied to so that you can get your jollies elsewhere. They don't deserve to look back at the times they have spent with their parents and realise that it's all been lies. They certainly shouldn't be left feeling as though one of their parents was prepared to risk their future happiness and potentially their view of relationships so that they could work out what they wanted.
I also have HUGE problems with the physical aspect of these situations. Unless everyone involved is having regular sexual health checks, sleeping with someone outside of your marriage is opening up the possibility of sharing infection. Barrier methods of contraception might be relatively effective, but nobody can guarantee they are safe, and exposing your partner by introducing a third party into your marriage is bordering on unforgivable IMO.

[DrizzlyTuesday]

My Dad seems to be in love with his G/F who was the OW.

[dulldeirdre]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I take it you are / were the OW then?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

No, I'm not, dulldeirdre, but I suppose I was when I was 24. I had no idea that he was married and was heartbroken.