am i being unreasonable to beleive that real love can result from an affair.

[chatternatter9]

Affairs are wrong, I know, they cause hurt and distress to All concerned. However I am human and I had an affair , I am now with the person I had the affair with... it was not a quick decision, or a decision at all, fate brought us together again many years after the affair... I trust this man with all my heart although everything about us started as a lie, has anyone else had a similar experience and can real love and trust really exist between two people who had such a sticky start?

[Nomama]

My uncle is now blissfully happy after 25 years and new family with OW.

Aunt (mum's sister) and their DDs took a couple of years to get over it. There was a lot of shouting, but he married as soon as the paperwork came through. After that my aunt took stock and made the conscious decision to let it go and get on with making herself a good life.

So now she has been remarried for about 10 years and has a good working relationship with Uncle and his wife, DDs babysit and are fully integrated into 2nd family.

Aunt has always said that she did not want to be, or have her DDs be, the sort of woman who held all that hatred and bile inside. She didn't like what he did but saw no reason to let his actions shape the rest of her life.

I'd hope that if DH ever cheated I could work through it and let it go, too. It seems utterly miserable to have your life shaped by someone elses life choices.

That and, as I told Affianced Personage number one all those years ago, when it is over, it really is over.

[eslteacher]

I think having an affair is a bad thing to do. But how bad depends on many factors, it is impossible to generalise about relationships, they are all so different and distinct.

I absolutely believe that lasting, loving relationships can spring from affairs.

So can short lived superficial ones.

I think its a shame that its generally such a taboo on mumsnet to talk with any sympathy to anyone who has had / is having an affair. Mumsnet says bad and stop, and that's that.

[SelectAUserName]

I have to say I'm quite interested in the different reactions on here: those who've found their partners via affairs are pretty much ignoring or dismissing any emotional fallout experienced by those hurt through their actions

Nope, but I've learned from experience that on MN you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I answered the OP's question; I don't feel the need to lay the whole saga bare for the edification of a bunch of internet strangers. That doesn't mean I'm not aware of the fallout or my part in it.

[Viviennemary]

I wouldn't like my happiness to be built on someone else's misery and a family break up and children losing a parent. It would always be tainted love as far as I was concerned.

[EBearhug]

Our best friends from childhood - their father left when I was 14, and we were all really shocked (they were like our second parents, and we used to spend loads of time at each others' houses.) I don't think he was oblivious to the fallout, although I'm not sure anyone ever really understands the extend of all the ramifications of such an event, even those right at the heart of it.

They will be celebrating their silver anniversary in the next year or two (I ought to check, actually...) Looking back after all that time, and now I'm around the age they were then, and experienced a bit of life myself - he and the OW are far more suited to each other. His first wife has done okay, tool, although I'm not sure she ever really felt it was what she'd have chosen (because of course it wasn't), and it did come out of the blue for her.

I would never recommend it, but it can work out.

[Rebecca2014]

I think its a shame that its generally such a taboo on mumsnet to talk with any sympathy to anyone who has had / is having an affair. Mumsnet says bad and stop, and that's that.


How can you feel sorry for anyone who is having an affair?

If my husband left me for another woman I would hope that nothing physical happened between them till he ended his relationship with me. The whole sneaking behind your back and planning a future together is sick...I would find it very difficult for the OW to be in my daughter life, why would I want my daughter to be around the woman who was a big part in breaking up a family, what sort of role model will she be?

[macdoodle]

Funnily its always the OW/XH/W who decide when its time to move on. I have made a conscious effort to let go of the anger and bitterness because I did not want my DD's to see that as a way to live. But its been hard, and the affair and the way my XH/OW behaved has had a devastating impact on my future relationships. There is a core of sadness/resentment/distrust that will never go away. So good for those who have "found true love" in an affair, a bit of acknowledgement of the cost of that happiness would not go amiss.

[Amytheflag]

I think it's hard to have sympathy for someone who's had an affair because it's such a chicken shit thing to do. They daren't end one relationship before starting a new one in case it goes tits up. They have to have a taster first and that's where they lose my sympathy. If you like someone enough to cheat, you like them enough to leave.

[Nomama]

But I know my OH is a good person. If he met an OW and started an affair I would assume that he had wrangled with it and not just done it on a whim. I trust my judgement of him.

So any OW of my OH must be assumed to be a nice woman. He wouldn't want to be with a complete bitch. So DC would be perfectly safe with her.

Of course, it hasn't happened to me, so I may, in reality, kill the bitch

But I'd hope to follow my aunt's example. It is more dignified and allowed her and her DDs to live happily, without all the bitterness.

[affafantoosh]

DH was married when we met. When it became apparent that we had very strong feelings for one another we had a terrible time, neither of us could quite make the break but I didn't want to be with a married man and he didn't want to have an affair. Eventually we stopped seeing each other and a few months later he ended his marriage.

We've now been together for about 11 years and have two children together. He's never given me a reason to doubt him and we are both very happy together. The toll it took on my mental health in the beginning was enormous though.

[WooWooo]

My Mum has been with my Step Father for over 30 years, officially 22 years, they have been married for 18 years. They are very happily married and I imagine will be together until death.

HOWEVER my Step Father gave my Mum the run around for a long time, sleeping with his ex Wife behind her back when they finally moved in together, this is after not having slept with her for years before leaving. He lied about money, drank a lot and was generally a pain in the arse. my Mum stuck with him rather than admit that she had left my Dad and us children for a wronger, eventually he calmed down and the have a happy, stable marriage. He says that it took him a long time to grow up.

I could imagine falling in love with someone through an affair however I would be very suspicious of that persons morals and ability to deceive. I would advise a friend in this situation to back off until that person was single or to walk away.

[macdoodle]

I wonder what the toll was like on his wife before, during and after??

[TheZeeTeam]

My friend is very happily married to the man she had an affair with. He was married with children similarly aged to ours. At the time, our youngest were both toddlers.

It had a huge knock on effect to our friendship though. I was the only one who knew and watching her lie to all our friends so easily made me see a whole different side to her. To this day, they swear blind to everyone that they didn't get together until he had left his wife. They've rewritten their own history so much, I think even they believe if now!

[StampyIsMyBoyfriend]

Assuming those involved aren't total moral degenerates, that are capable of monogamy.... then yanbu.

I know someone who had an affair years ago, they both left their spouses to be together, had a child & are still together now. I wonder if she married too young, or too quickly. He was genuinely in an unhappy marriage.

Personally, I'm of the "if they're prepared to steal, they're prepared to be stolen" ilk. And I'd never trust them.

[MrsKoala]

My dad and his first wife got pregnant thru a ons, they were very young - knew each other from school. It being the 60s and a scandal they were forced by both families to get married and 'give the kid a name'. They did. They were miserable. After a year dad met my mum started an affair. It wasn't 'true love' but it made him realise how unhappy he was and he left his wife within months and thought even if i don't end up with x i know i dont want to be with wife. He then left mum and was alone for a bit. Realised he was in love with mum and they got back together. ExW met her 'true love' pretty soon too and all became friends. My sister thinks of herself very lucky to have 2 mums and 2 dads - she walked down the aisle with both dads and gives my mum Mother's Day cards.

My cousins DH's dad was a career man, his wife gave up her career to be a sahm. They had 4 DC. All thought they were blissfully happy. He had a mistress for 10 yrs whom he bought a flat for and made up fictitious work trips to stay with. Left them eventually and took all the money. Left them destitute for a while and couldn't understand why teenage/20s DC didn't want to know him and OW.

I don't think all affairs are equal and while yes, it would have been better if dad had left before the affair I have more sympathy for very young man in an unhappy situation than I do someone who strings out affairs and mistresses for years. It just isn't black and white and I do think the automatic demonisation of every one who cheats can be unfair. I think you can empathise with difficult situations without minimising the destruction affairs can have.

[Brabra]

Mrskoala, I guess your mills and boon story is quite common. I am sure that people can totally fall in love with their affair partner. But as worra suggests can there ever truly be trust? Maybe your mother just doesn't know any different. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who could do that to his young family. But I guess everyone can always justify it to themselves..

[nkf]

If you think your own personal need for romantic fulfilment is worth hurting other people, including children, then I daresay it's worth it.

[MrsKoala]

I don't see romance in that story Brabra, I see sadness, and I am able to feel sympathy for all involved. People make mistakes and I do not believe someone doing one thing under very specific circumstances would necessarily do it again. I would also say after the dreadful experience of the end of my first marriage I know I am actually less likely to have an affair than I was before. My mum trusted my dad even more because of how crushed he was at missing my sister. She knew he would never risk it again. Sometimes doing something bad teaches you a lesson and you learn from it.

[MORCAPS]

I think if they will do it with you, they cannot be trusted not to do it to you.

[TruffleOil]

Sure, it can - but what it reveals about a person is that they break commitments. I think of all the things my husband and I have together, our love for each other (which frankly, ebbs and flows) is surpassed by our commitment to each other and to our family.

[x2boys]

A. friend of mine is the child of a very long term affair his dad was married with two sons when he met my friends mum they got together and my friends mum got pregnant with my friend the funny thing is his dad continued his relationship with both his wife and my friends mum throughout, his life and never commited to either of them when my friends dad died about ten years ago it was the first time my friend ever met his half brothers they did nt want to know my friend because of the affair it was as. Though his dad had two completely different lives.

[TruffleOil]

I just get a bit grossed out by people who aren't smart enough to figure out that marriage is long, and can be hard, and being attracted to someone else is rather meaningless in the grand scheme.

[CoffeeTea103]

Well don't expect a happy ever after without getting back some of what you caused others, just saying.

[LovelyMarchHare]

I can think of at least four couples who got together as an affair and have stayed together for a significant period of time. Three have gone on to have children with that person. I only knew them after they'd formally got together and save for the bare fact it resulted from an affair I have no idea of the specifics. I dont doubt for a moment that significant and sustained upset was caused to a number of people. However, I am not sure I could conclude that they were therefore inherently untrustworthy or that I should judge them negatively now. The other was the father of a friend at school who turned out to have been in an affair for years (17 or so). It had a huge affect on my friend at the time (and on her mum much more so obv).
But to the question as posed by the OP of course love can result. This is an interesting thread IMO as it is going against the general MN consensus.

[JennySense]

I think it very much depends on the circumstances.
My husband was living with another woman when we met. Not married [he'd refused], no children.
He'd tried to leave the relationship before we met. They wanted different things [partly due to a sizeable age gap 10+ years] .
19 years on we've been married for nearly 16 years and have two children.

People have affairs for many different reasons. Sometimes the "grass is greener", they are addicted to drama, sex... Sometimes though, they are genuinely unhappy and cannot fix their relationship, end up meeting someone else.

Their relationship was causing her pain as he had mentally left her. They'd tried to fix things and it hadn't worked for him.