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Original poster

DP trying to BF the baby....

205 replies

MadBannersAndCopPorn · 10/04/2014 10:12

That's just it really, I walked into the room after being downstairs for half an hour or so and DP was slumped over the baby in a funny position. He had no top on and looked like he was trying to BF her- in fact I'm pretty sure he was.
I said to him- "Are you trying to breastfeed our daughter?" and his response was "She's my baby too". He wouldn't entertain any more conversation on the subject- so I left it.
Honestly though- is that a bit weird? Has he crossed a line? Is it funny? Was he just being resourceful? I genuinely don't know how to feel about this... Haven't spoken to anyone else about it in RL

OP posts:
Nomama · 10/04/2014 10:32

A colleague, father of 4, including twins, is one of those miracle dads. Comes in from work and gives wife most of the evening off. He sleeps on the couch when she is BF and finds it really confusing when some colleagues (women) say he is being taken advantage of!!! He also runs Dads clubs at the weekends and organises what he calls 'Charabanc Trips' to give mums some down time too. Sounds too good to be true, I know. But he is an unusual man in many ways (nicely weird, iyswim).

Anyway, he says he has always 'suckled' the babies if they don't settle, it seemed obvious to him that it could be comforting to them. So I am not sure it is a red flag, but probably embarrassing for the poor bloke.

Perhaps, OP, you could re-open the discussion with an apology for having sounded sharp/accusatory, open up the possibility of it being a good thing, just that it was also unexpected and both of you were embarrassed and unable to deal with it calmly.

Gen35 · 10/04/2014 10:34

I'd go for he's feeling useless and left out, dd would root on dh when she was hungry, that's how we'd know she needed more food, if she started trying to crawl down his chest. He's probably not wanting to talk about it because he might be worried you think he's a weirdo. You have to talk about it though. Time to express and get dd to take a bottle from dh?

MrsDeVere · 10/04/2014 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gertiegusset · 10/04/2014 10:35

Weird and bleeeuugh and not a bit funny.

gertiegusset · 10/04/2014 10:37

Sorry MrsDV, almost always agree with you but not on this.

Agree with the overuse of 'red flags' though.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 10/04/2014 10:38

Sure it wasn't babies idea?

DS and DD1 both went for DH nipples at some point - he was in bed so wasn't randomly without shirt. Really freaked him out - I think they were hungry and willing to experiment.

Original poster
MadBannersAndCopPorn · 10/04/2014 10:38

So a mixed bag of responses too... ranging from 'super weird; red flag' to 'probably just being resourceful'

I have watched that episode of family guy- Sadly, I imagine that's exactly what it was like. I doubt he picked her up specifically to try and BF her- I assume that she wasn't settling so he tried it out Hmm

I'll try and bring it up again tonight, in his defense I didn't push the issue as I thought he might have been embarrassed and, like me didn't know entirely if it was ok.

She's only a very tiny and she is BF if that makes a difference... [Clutches straws]

OP posts:
WomanScorned · 10/04/2014 10:41

Not weird at all. I used to wonder what if felt like, too. DS tends to go for his dad's nipples when they're in bed and I'm not there. It's what he associates with comfort/resettling.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 10/04/2014 10:43

I was in room when our DC went for DH nipples - just not visible to DC or near enough to get to. It was definitely the DC idea and once DH stop being freaked we both thought it funny.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/04/2014 10:43

Weird.

janey68 · 10/04/2014 10:43

Agree with the comment above about red flags. Pops up all over the place on MN - it's just chucked around as a phrase by some people whenever they find anything vaguely uncomfortable.

The problem here is that the OP and her husband have got an awkward situation where neither feels they can talk about it. Just talk to him OP. Ask him if he was settling the baby. Maybe the baby was fractious, unsettled.

I've regularly seen posts on MN where mums talk about co sleeping and their baby or toddler sucking on and off all night- that's not feeding, that's comfort. So is that 'weird'? Hmm

MinesAPintOfTea · 10/04/2014 10:44

DH has tried when DS was in the worst part of cluster feeding, it was 3am and I was hallucinating with exhaustion (he told me the next day that he'd been desperate to get him to settle.

Its unusual but not a sign of anything sinister IMO.

StarChartEsq · 10/04/2014 10:46

No. Not weird. Probably fairly unusual in our preoccupation with sexualising everything including kids in this culture, which probably led to embarrassment.

But it isn't weird and no worse than giving the baby his pinky to suck.

UriGeller · 10/04/2014 10:49

Well I've often had a newborn hanging off my chin with a vigorous suck! And everyone knows a finger popped in will soothe them for a bit, until they realise theres nothing coming out! And skin to skin is beneficial. He should have brought he subject up before trying it though, IMO. Yes, it's his baby too but your confusion and his embarrassment could've been avoided if he'd discussed it with you.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 10/04/2014 10:49

People are weird about bf - I remember all the nursery workers getting 'funny' about DD1 and DS bf the toys. I didn't know whether to find it amusing or get upset with their attitude it was wrong - they were just copying me feeding the youngest.

The problem here is that the OP and her husband have got an awkward situation where neither feels they can talk about it. Just talk to him OP.

I agree ^ that this is the problem and the solution.

Marcipex · 10/04/2014 10:52

DS used to lunge hopefully at men's nipples on the beach :)

mumofboyo · 10/04/2014 10:53

Years ago, long before I had my own dc, I read an article in the gp's waiting room about men who breastfeed - they took some sort of hormone that made them produce milk. Male breasts are, after all, smaller versions of female ones and have milk ducts etc that, with the right stimulation, can produce milk.

And as for the red flag comment, I think that's a bit much! If your dh's intention was to try to soothe the baby how can that be a worrying sign?

I've just done a quick Google and it is a real 'thing': such as this article !

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/04/2014 10:53

I remember when dd was a few days old dh picked her up without his shirt on (NCT -dad's should do lots of skin to skin) and she attempted to latch on.

"Ow - that really hurt!" he said.

I just raised my eyebrows.

Ds was even more resourceful and would attempt to latch on to me, dh or anyone else who was holding him through clothes.

VenusDeWillendorf · 10/04/2014 10:59

I'd keep an eye on him.

I think, honestly, I'd be disturbed by seeing this, and I'd look on it as something that is unhealthy, and a flag of boundary crossing, inappropriate behaviour.

I think you need to talk with him about what he can offer your babe- do you express milk, could he give her an ebm bottle? Baby massage?

He's not ever going to be a milkbar, but skin on skin contact is perfect - there's more to being a parent than feeding the babe.

Maybe he feels left out? Maybe he's a total weirdo? Your call OP - we don't know him, or if he has 'form' for harmless weirdness.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 10/04/2014 11:00

Mine did try head butting, nuzzling and groping their GM and Aunties boobs and getting in their clothing and lacting on through clothes- when hungry and they weren't handing them over.

Didn't go over well - as they weren't pro bf.

Youngest didn't do from very early would push herself towards me - and when slightly older try and leap out of people's arms to get to me - which was always a bit of a shock to people.

They've grown up perfectly normal DC.

oscarwilde · 10/04/2014 11:01

Did you offer him the Lansinoh?

Ploppy16 · 10/04/2014 11:02

I think he was trying to soothe the baby and was probably embarressed that you saw him tbh and got defensive. All 3 of mine tried to latch on to DH at some point, a nipple is a nipple to babies and frankly peace and quiet of any kind is good when you have a tiny one!
Fgs red flags?? Why don't people say what they think rather than making snide comments designed to worry the OP? when did we start to assume every man is qbusive on here?

fromparistoberlin73 · 10/04/2014 11:08

what CrazyOldCatLady said, to the letter

he must be embarassed as shit! draw a line under it! Its the kind of stupid thing I can imagine myself doing if I was a first time dad tbh

Ploppy16 · 10/04/2014 11:12

When DD2 was tiny and before I switched to formula I actually asked DH in a very sleep deprived way to feed her and let me get some more sleep! He said "well I would if I could Ploppy..." it took me a minute or so before the penny dropped Blush Grin

squishysquirmy · 10/04/2014 11:12

If he was trying to latch her on, then that is very odd, but I dont think it is perverse, creepy or a "red flag". Maybe he was just curious, or trying to settle her any way he could?
He may just have been giving her skin to skin though?
Talk to him about it but dont mention it to anyone else in RL (unless there are other concerns), and make sure that he knows you wont as he's probably feeling very embarrassed about it.

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