to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

the teen is a girl who has fucked up and had unprotected sex along with her friends trashing the house and having all trust in her trashed at the same time.

compassion goes a long long way with people who have made their first mistakes....

the lock em up and throw away the key approach is a mistake in my opinion.

I'm not advocating locking up and throwing away the key. But I don't think proms/gigs etc are appropriate for teens who have shown they cannot be trusted.

Trust has to be earned.

Some of the replies on here show why our society is in trouble.

She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions, as her parent it is your job to teach her this.

Cancel the festival, do not let her go on holiday and force her to pay back what she owes. Don't stop her revising though.

I'd let her go to prom BUT she pays everything for it.

have you read the whole thread inheed??

if not it would be a good start.

im a cop and see lots of kids off the rails - i also see why our society is in trouble. i have 2 kids, one of 22 and one of 16.

either parents dont care.
or they dont listen to their kids.

if you care, and your kids are still going wrong then its the latter.

So Vicar in your reductive version of the world - either they would do it anyway because the parents don't care - or they would do it anyway because parents don't spend enough time with the DCs and discussing it and making them behave through incentives rather than enforcement is the right route?

Jesus - I run supported housing for homeless 16 - 25s who have left the family home - we get about half of them back there, and the rest it doesn't work because there is an abusive or fundamentally unhealthy situation. I understand troubled teens. Yes, absolutely giving them responsibility and choices is fundamentally important to getting them to the next stage and to become more self-sufficient. But they need boundaries too to feel safe. I think if OP had just shrugged and said ok, then the DD in question would feel very unsafe and insecure. DD needs her Mum to say this is not ok, and here are the rules. Normally when you push boundaries it's because you want to know you're loved and that it matters if you don't. You need to know the difference between posturing and its associated behaviours, and genuinely-unhappy-going-off-the-rails stuff. I was one of those unboundaried teens and it didn't do me any favours, although I'm ok now.

A lot of the time what they really need is a supportive situation but consistently applied boundaries. The free for all your post suggests is the right idea is worrying and unsettling for kids in their late teens.

No festival, sell the ticket and put the money towards repairs etc. As you have already said no prom then she shouldn't go but it might have been preferable for her to go only if she paid for the dress etc etc. She should spend Easter revising and summer working - suggest that 80% of her pay should be given to you. Testing at GP surgery, having first consulted doctor about correct timing for all tests required. She should not be taken to the GUM clinic.

Work out a plan and stick to it. Tell her the plan very clearly, then be your usual self with her at the same being firm about the plan being carried out.

i give up.

i was one of those teens you purport to support lessons. i came left home at 16 and had to support myself. i do not and have not seen my mother since i was 29.

you are preaching to the converted - but i am saying that from what the OP wrote punishment for this is not going to work or get the desired result.

she is covering her mistakes with bravado.
she needs her mum right now.

ive said i would report to police the damage and follow that through, and i would sell the ticket, but how many punishments would this take to make the op feel better?? and is that doing any good for her dd?

you are willfully misunderstanding me. im off the thread - i dont give a rats arse one way or the other tbh - ive given my two penneth. its up to the parents how they deal with this.
not you.
not me.

im just saying from experience that i think in this instance to keep punishing and punishing and punishing when the girl is clearly crying out for help is futile.
but what ever. you advise the OP. you clearly know best. im out. i have no idea why i get so bloody invested in these situations.
whatever. its not up to me.

good luck op.

I agree that the daughter needs her mum now.

If she is 15 won't there be another chance for a more important prom when she is 18 where she says bye to her school pals as they all head out into the world.

Well I and others have argued your point, Vicar, since the beginning of this thread.

Harsh punishment for this girl - that in some strange way absolves 'today's teens' sins it seems - that some of you are advocating is depressing and worrying. And in my opinion a big mistake.

Teens have not changed one jot since I was a teen 25 years ago). I accepted upthread that not all teens today or in days of yore had wild house parties or unprotected/underage sex. I get that some people didn't have those experiences or are shocked by them. I'm not. Most people I know (myself included) were having sex, drinking, going to crazy house parties as young teens. We're all intact, thriving, sensible, successful (whatever that means!) with families of our own. Back then no-one marched you to a GUM clinic or rehab or called police or called or your friends either.

It's frustrating that others have not listened to those of us saying not to make too big a deal - none of us have said 'oh it's fine, just let her get away with it' - we have all said yes of course she needs to understand the impact of her actions. She needs to repay damage and receive a punishment (one punishment! Not months of various punishments!) but overall she needs compassion, guidance, talking to/with, discussion, hugs.

A suitable punishment has been given I think - the dd has had to make amends, clean up but more importantly face up to the fact that she could be pregnant or have an sti.

I think the OP is doing a fine job of getting right a very tricky balance of anger/hurt and concern for her dd's welfare.

The damage is done and the dd no doubt will be mortified by this for months. She will face her peers teasing her, everyone will be talking about her, her parents will not trust her for a long time and she could be pregnant.

I think that's enough.

I am also firmly on the side of vicar, London, maryz and others.

Punishment for damages and breach of trust, yes. Anything more than that is too much, in my opinion.

Having sex at almost 16 isn't ideal, no. But it's not the end of the world either. Ok she was silly and didn't use a condom and yes it's a bit yucky to have sex on someone else's bed and bedding. But it does not make her a terrible person and it should not result in any kind of shaming attitude or behaviour from parents. She will learn. She has had punishment enough.

I get the sense that OP is sensible and will find a happy medium in how to get the best learning out of this situation. She suffered hugely from shock at first, as anyone would, but once the situation has settled a bit it will be easier to think and to find a reasonable way to navigate this.

I think the way some people have reacted is less about trying to help this girl learn from this experience and more about being freaked out at the idea that young kids do sometimes have sex.

I also think Prom is very important in the narrative of young kids today. I would absolutely be letting her go. I wouldn't blow loads of cash on a dress and so on, but if she didn't have any money I would get her a cheap dress. Twenty years from now it's the milestones that will matter, not the stupid mistakes.

Also, I don't believe you can necessarily extrapolate from experiences with deeply troubles youths from challenging backgrounds who are living in supported housing to this situation. The two are not likely to be at all comparable.

She's made a load of fuckups but if this was my dd, I would make sure that punishments did not overshadow the fact that she needs to learn from it all and in a wider sense to look after herself (and her home) much more carefully. She needs to be engaged to learn from these errors as opposed to feeling angry and bitter about draconian sanctions.

So punishments:

1. can go to prom, but no "frills", cheap dress, agreed time home etc.
2. give all money from au pair holiday to you Agree correct to involve police and other parents.

And that would be it. Because the rest of it is humiliating - chlamydia swab, HIV blood test etc (like someone said, varying amount of time needed to wait before testing). Ongoing conversations about taking care of herself - having unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship is completely irresponsible etc and could have life changing consequences re pregnancy and or disease.

She also needs to be able to look back and think that "I fucked up and my mum helped me dig myself out of it" rather than "I fucked up and my mum made me feel 10x worse and ruined everything she could think of".

Plus the GCSE revision is critical.

Can I just say I think you're doing brilliantly? It's a horrible situation for the whole family, and the way you're responding seems really, really appropriate. I admire your strength in this and that you're able to show your daughter (and other DCs) that your love is unconditional but that simultaneously, as parents, you won't allow them to get away with appalling behaviour and that you will take appropriate action. You're sanctioning your daughter / the friends / the older students but not losing sight of the fact that your daughter is a child and children are not to be expected to always make the best / right decisions. Your daughter will learn from this (so will your younger DCs); she's been very foolish and will be feeling utterly terrible.

I'd be a little worried about her GCSE revision - the exams aren't far off now. Have you thought about ways to best support her revision and exam preparation too? You really don't want this to impact her results as the blow on results day will bring all of this back and cause you both to feel resentment. Make sure there's a good balance of housework / chores to GCSE revision.

Also, would it be worth planning some "family time" over the next week / the Easter weekend? Just a picnic or a walk somewhere together. My DF was a big advocate of this following any 'turmoil', and would always reiterate the importance of having time together to enjoy each other's company / leave problems at home. This helped us "renormalise" after any difficulties. You could set some ground rules in advance - no sniping, no arguments, being positive with each other, making an effort to enjoy the day / afternoon.

I hope the work project this weekend goes well.

OK - a question for people on here. As I said yesterday, ds3 was at a party where gatecrashers turned up. He and his friends didn't like the way things were looking, so they left, but found out later on that some damage was done by the gatecrashers (nowhere near as much as in the OP here, but still not good, and I expect the parents were cross when they found out).

I think ds3 and his friends did the right thing by leaving, but wonder if they should have contacted us and the other lads' parents to tell them about the gatecrashers, and if so, what, if anything, we could and should have done about it - ring the police/go round and read the riot act/get names and addresses?

I genuinely don't know what would be best. If it were my house, I would be grateful if swift action was taken, so the damage was minimised. I think I would also be grateful if I had names and addresses so I could chase people for reparation. But on the flip side, if people know it's me and dh who called the police/waded in and read the riot act/whatever, that would impact on ds3 and could cause him problems subsequently, if nastier elements chose to blame him for 'dobbing'.

What would MN do?

SDTG - yes ds3 did the right thing by leaving. I would say in his position, he should have phoned you immediately to ask your advice. Then you could have phoned the police anonymously and said there was a lot of noise and you suspected damage to the property.

Coconutty - I think you are right about the names and addresses.

Agree with much up thread. However I would like to clarify that the trip to the GP for tests I wouldn't see as being punitive, I would see it as being a responsible parent.

The daughter has put her sexual health at risk. She needs to be checked and to have a calm chat about the need for condoms and contraceptives. You now know you DD is sexually active, so that needs to be dealt with now. She will need help with this as you have established her judgement and risk assessment skills are poor. Be calm and be kind, she needs to get the right message that she can come to you for help when she needs it.

Much is being done to resolve this. Police and other parents are helping. The damage done is being identified, the money will come in from the others and then the amount DD owes will be clear. You can put that to one side for now. Draw a line under it in your day to day in order to minimise the impact on you and the rest of your family.

Get through GCSEs then in the holidays, when the costs are clear, she can work to pay off the debt. To expect her to work to repay the cost of the damages and rebuild the trust is not unreasonable. Good luck

Yes purpleroxy, I agree. DS should have left, and either called police anonymously or asked parents to do it. That way the son wouldn't be blamed for snitching, it could have been a concerned neighbour, and damage could be minimised.