to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

I have a new business and have my first major show this weekend. I have not been able to think straight. It has badly impacted on my ability to get any preparation or work done for it.

I am feeling so overwhelmed I could cry. My other dc have upset me and I have upset them because they said I am not listening to them/ignoring them. I am so distracted by this what they are saying is true.

Dh is so cross he is finding it difficult to know how to deal with it all.

Have just cuddled other dc and told them sorry for ignoring them and it turns out younger dd has been helping older dd to clean and tidy. She has just offered to put out (yet another)pile of laundry and bring one in.

Feel tearful just how sweet and thoughtful she is being.

Need to get my head straight. Coming on here helps.

Younger dd also offering to cook. (she is 11).

Need to compile a to do list, flapping about is not helping.

What old daddy said really
Also, at 16 find a job for her once she finishes her GCSE'S. If paid work is hard to find, how about volunteering in an animal welfare centre or a charity shop?
Get her out into the world beyond school & home & she'll start to realise how unreasonable her behaviour was.

Are you still cleaning up the initial mess OP?

I agree with you about the bedding, Araminta. I would be cross if I found out one of the dses had had sex in my bed, but I wouldn't be buying new bedding (did I see someone suggest a new mattress ) - though I might well expect them to launder and iron all the bedding - to my standards, not theirs, and remake the bed for me.

I genuinely don't believe all teenagers do this. I have three dses - ds1 is 20, ds2 is 18 and ds3 is 16. All have been to parties at friends' houses, and on only one occasion has there been such a mess made that the hosting parents got cross - and even then it wasn't the sort of mess that happened at the OP's house - it was the sort of mess that the kids concerned were able to clear up to the adults' satisfaction in an hour at the end of the party.

I think you can say to the other DC that the damage to your home as a result of the party has upset you and DH very much, and this isn't unusual. Explain that people feel the same after a burglary. Thank them for their help and try to make time for them, saying how much you appreciate it, it isn't their fault their sister was an idiot. They will all learn something from this, having witnessed the fall out first hand.

Do what you can for your show. Is there anything your eldest DD can do to help with it, to try and rescue the situation, make reparation to some extent?

Yes, that was me SDT. I am aware of the concept of hotel beds, but there's something so violating about this situation. It's not just the sex in my bed, but the thought of people going through drawers and cupboards, treating my belongings with contempt, just stomping around in their shoes... I appreciate this looks stupid to some readers, it's just how I would feel.

DD has attempted to tackle stains on leather sofas and carpets (googled the correct method). If it doesn't work will get it done professionally and then give her and her guests the bill along with the bill for the other damage.

Cannot believe the older boys could be such mindless idiots. We worked out the damage was caused after 12:30 so some dc eliminated completely.

Luckily we know of them all. I will be expecting full compensation plus a face to face apology.

I've been thinking about this overnight and I've thought of something.

When I was a teenager there was a local nightclub where there were rumours of girls' drinks being spiked and them being attacked. (No idea how true it was.)

I never went as it wasn't my type of music.

But if I had gone, wearing a very short skirt and my drink been spiked and I been attacked then that still would not have been my fault.

Op's daughter was the victim of a crime here. She invited people around in good faith - very misguidedly yes - but she didn't tell them to come and trash the house.

I guess what I'm saying is how annoyed would the Op have been if she'd come back to a sparkling clean, undamaged house and then found out months later that she had a party? Because the trashing was not her doing it.

She should still be cleaning up - as it isn't your fault either - but I wonder if the punishment should be relative to the unauthorised party - not the damage. (Especially as it now seems that the trashers are going to be paying for the damage - think I read that - so you won't be out of pocket.)

The other thing I'm wondering is if the sex was planned in advance why did she have the party? She could have just had the boy over and had a lovely, private, romantic time. Rather than the risk of people walking in, loud music, shouting etc.

There's something going on here that she hasn't said. Does she not want to "own" the act of sex. "Oh - it just happened - we were at a party and one thing led to another". Or does she want the kudos of having sex at a party? Or was she worried that the lad wouldn't come over just for sex with her(!!!!!!) so she had a party instead?

Just musing really - might be miles off the mark.

That's it, SDTG. I really can't understand people saying this is what teens do if you leave them over night and that they have no idea of risk. Yes they do - seriously. Okay sometimes they need it spelling out to them a bit so that they think but isn't that what we're supposed to do as parents?

My dd is 19. She has had small parties whilst I've been away, since she was 16. Only the people she said were coming were at the parties. Nothing ever got damaged. She was mortified that one of her friends got a bit stupid and pissed and trampled mud in at the last one and so she made him clear it up. Her friends are all decent and would never be so disrespectful in my home and dd would never be so disrespectful in theirs either. She's by no means perfect and sometimes I have had to spell things out to her (like why it's important to me that she finds a safe way to get home and always keeps a fiver back to pay for a taxi if necessary) but I'm really shocked that so many people think it's like a rite of passage.

Dd read this over my shoulder yesterday and her first reaction was 'what a twat'.

YouTheCat My boys are 19&17, their reaction was similar tbh. I know that some of their friends' parents have been away and left them too, but no houses have been trashed.

"The other thing I'm wondering is if the sex was planned in advance why did she have the party? "

I mentioned that but the only answer I got was "because teenagers are dumb"!

Really?

Also, why on earth didn't she get a condom when the boy said?

If she was too scared then I suggest she might not be ready for sex!

WotToDoo I really feel for you, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It's all a bit of a car crash at the minute but I'm sure it will all work out. It's sweet that your younger DC are helping out. Your DH's response doesn't surprise me - it's exactly what my DH would do. It's not that helpful but understandable.

It sounds like the police are being really helpful.

It doesn't work for everyone but would a family 'meeting' be of any help. It might give everyone a voice? IYSWIM

It will get better soon, I'm sure (maybe save the wine for later when your work is out the way with)

Logg1e - the sex in my bed wouldn't worry me - but what you've said about strangers going through my stuff - that really would bother me, so you are spot on there - I hadn't considered that.

I have just had a chat with ds3 about this thread. I am right that he hasn't been at a party when this has happened, but he did tell me that he was at a party where gatecrashers turned up, but he and his friends decided to leave, as they didn't like the way things were looking. Apparently the friend whose party it was did tell them later that there had been some damage done - but this is just one out of however many parties he has been to, so I think my belief that not all teenagers do this, is still justified.

I did say to him that stories like the one on here are why we don't go away and leave him with what, in Glasgow, is known as an 'Empty' (Kevin Bridges does a really funny monologue about this) - not that I don't trust him, but that I worry that news of a party would spread and gatecrashers would turn up - and he told me he doesn't want to host a party here, because he'd have to do the clearing up (lazy little bugger)!

Diddl I think that as the sex took place in an insecure place and has now led to the MAP and STI checks I don't think there is any "might" about her unreadiness!

"he told me he doesn't want to host a party here, because he'd have to do the clearing up "

That's what both of mine have said as well!

Isn't it half term now?Let the whole crowd pay.

Having a party when you were folks were away is almost a rites of passage thing for most kids and clearing up wine and sick stains almost a mandatory experience. I seem to recall during my teenage years everyone at school would always seize upon rumours of who was having a party or even better, whose folks were out of town. Some of the wiser kids got an older scarier brother to guard the front door but more often than not it was a case of half dozen people being invited and another two dozen or more gate crashing. Generally most people harmless and were looking to cadge a few bottles of beer and have a laugh but almost without exception there was always a few who would try and get the dog pissed, pour fairy liquid in the fish tank, search for sex toys in the parents room, nick CDs and generally act like twats before running off to the next party. It was very easy for things to get out of control especially when the twats were a few years older and more than happy to throw their weight about and intimidate their younger school mates. As others have pointed out, teenagers generally have appalling sense of risk management. OP, hope you, your DH and DD will get through this, lessons learned all round I think.

I'm sure your post brings the OP comfort and counsel CuC.

1. Involve the police. Press charges for criminal damage.

Also has anything gone missing/been stolen?

1. Itemise and cost what can be salvaged.
2. And what is absolutley lost.
3. Dig out your insurance.
4. I imagine though that because you were reckless in leaving your daughter unsupervised AND that she let these people in that they will not pay out. Sorry but this is what they may say.

Your daughter.

1. Take away phone Internet and TV. This may be unfair to your other DCs but I don't think it will harm them!
2. Tell your daughter she is grounded until September.
3. Confiscate and sell festival ticket.
4. Make it clear to her that her behaviour us unacceptable.

5.& that she has betrayed your trust. For me this would be the worst thing in all of this mess.

You.

1. You can only weep for so long. Nothing has changed since you started, so you may as well stop.
2. Ditto shouting.
3. Sadly you and your DH have to shoulder some responsibility for this situation. Clearly your daughter is too immature to be left alone. But not all the responsibility. If she is 16 and NT then she knows the difference between right and wrong. If she doesn't then this needs to be addressed immediately.

Unfortunately this situation is too easily foreseeable. With Internet, Facebook, mobile phones etc it is all too easy for a quiet get together to turn into house party from hell. So sorry OP, that you are going through this, but this is all down to recklessness on yours, DH and your child's part. I really feel for you, DH and your other DCs as you are all going through shit. Kids eh?

Your daughter
I would also expect her to get a job especially after her exams/school ends to help pay for the damage her stupidity has caused.

Apologies if all this is judgmental. But it needs saying.

Read the thread FunLovin as after 347 posts, things have moved on.....

Apologies then OP. sorry everyone. Ignore my post.