to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[AdoraBell]

Didn't see the bit about cleaning instead of studying. She needs to study, it will be turned into your fault if she does badly in exams, but she needs to clean up as well. Or pay for someone else to if you feel there is not enough time for both. And yy to refusing to pay a penny towards costs for Prom.

[stairwaytodevon]

so bascially she will have lost her friendship group, will not do as well in her exams as shes cleaning not studying, may then not get into 6th form as her results will not be as good as expected, then how about University?She will not be at the prom will not be at the music festival will not be on holiday.
What punishment do you suggest

[Nancyandsid]

I don't think a bit of gardening is going to replace the 1k or the sentimental stuff. My biggest concern is that she chose to do something very inconsiderate/selfish and has no remorse what so ever. She doesn't give a fig about your feelings, your sentimental stuff, your house, your financial situation. It's not normal teenage behaviour. She had the party fully aware the place would get trashed. What kind of person does that?

Continue with the police action.

Get the money back. Agree sell her hair irons and anything of value. She can find a job if she wants to replace them. Get the money back pound for pound. Have a book with a running total of how much she owes you. I'd allow her to do anything that is free - so let her go on the holiday to look after the children but don't give her spending money, let her go to the prom if the ticket is free etc. Don't give her any money at all and sell concert tickets. I wouldn't buy her any clothes until the debt is paid. If she must have shoes/coats get them from charity shops. If she gets Xmas/birthday money from you, she must use it to continue to pay off the debt. She needs to repay every penny to start to understand the value of money. She clearly has no idea about the cost of living

[Nancyandsid]

Stop snapping at her and just persevere with running total. She had to take responsibility for her actions. She chose to do this to you

[Nancyandsid]

She should just do a normal amount if cleaning anyway, every teenager should put the Hoover round. Don't let it interfere with exams though

Concentrate on her paying the debt off by going without rather then doing little jobs right now.

[Nocomet]

Stop snapping, she needs to revise.
No music festival and prom only if she pays for everything.
I wouldn't stop her going on holiday, your going to need a break from each other.
Job if at all possible as handing over cold hard cash focuses the mind.

And impress on her this is certainly NOT what you should EXPECT and it is NOT how all teens behave!

DD1 and three of her DFs borrowed a house for the night when they were 15&16 and I don't believe they damaged anything, drank anything or were tempted to invite any extras.

Your DD knew these older teens were trouble and yet she invited them anyway. That was beyond foolish and very disrespectful. A trite sorry and mowing the lawn won't do.

Now if she fancies mowing my lawn, weeding my neglected flower beds and cutting my hedge (nice prickly hawthorn) that might go a fair way to pay the debt, but I'm assuming your lawn and hedge are somewhat smaller.

[stairwaytodevon]

On a practical note Try to find industrial type cleaners,police may help When friend was burgled and house trashed(not quite the same)they managed to get stains out of soft funishings and carpets.
Your dd will be feeling wretched today I walked past the flowers left by her mates for a teenager who had committed suicide your dd is only 15 and has learned the results of poor choices and peer pressure.Its a life lesson I hope you all get through this

[50ShadesofGreyMatter]

What Nancyandsid said, to the letter and I say this as the mother to 3 adult children.

[AmericasTorturedBrow]

All the advice you've been given is very good. To be honest I was a horrible teenager (drugs, self harm, all night clubbing) and was left in the house for a weekend every couple of months from the age of 15 but I NEVER had parties at home or put my parents' stuff and home at risk. Many of my friends had the same trust in them and also never abused it in that way we just went out to all night raves instead

[BerniesBurneze]

Make her clean some but she really has to revise

I think she should go to prom and on the holiday. These are rewards from the hard work she has put into life so far, I don't think you should take them away.

I think I'd get a massive piece of canvas or something, hang it on her wall after taking other hom comforts out - and write in big letters the total to be paid back.

She can ebay things like her hair straighteners etc?,all starting at 99p. I would make a running list of savings you make by not buying her an Easter Egg, or prom shoes etc.

make her repayment achievable and help her achieve it.

I'd also show her how hard it takes to put a home together by taking all the nice things out of her room. Take the bed and leave her the mattress, any cushions etc. Sell what you can and store the others.

Set up a chore list with payment figures, cleaning tge car £2 for example.

[WhatsTheWordHummingbird]

Definetly cancel the concert and sell the ticket.

Ban her from being alone in the house for the next year - clearly she has shown she is not mature enough to cope with it. Even if it means having to go to Grannies for tea after school the odd day, or being dragged along food shopping.

im not sure about Prom. I agree that letting her go but making her pay for it all is suitable, but as you have already said she cannot go, id be sticking with it. It is perfectly reasonable.

[HPparent]

I think she feels awful and has been punished enough. You should not have left her alone, sorry. Locally, a young girl died at a party without adult supervision - it could have been a lot lot worse for you. Those parents came back to several children in hospital and having to explain to police why they left 15 year olds alone, too frightened to call an ambulance when one became very ill. The family are destroyed.

Let her go to the prom. Forcing her to sell her stuff or get a job to pay you back is vindictive in my opinion.

[Doingakatereddy]

Your DD IS 15, this level of punishment is very unreasonable.

You seem to be punishing her on every single level, 'no revision, no prom, pay back, clean, no festival, no phone, no holiday'. Then you call the police???

Are you trying to drive her away?

Stop now and identify a punishment e.g. No festival and expectation that she pays you £500 over the next year through working and present money. That'll keep punishment in mind for a year.

In the cold light of day you will miss the chance not to buy her prom dress (limit budget) and see her spread her wings by holidaying with others. Breathe a bit

[giraffesCantBoogie]

Start a thread in chat asking about who had parties when their parents went out? I did and I was mostly an angelic teen. Had there been facebook etc goodness knows who might have heard about or come to mine.

Punish yes - completely tke awy everything including school prom - no.

[Logg1e]

The ideas I like:
Let her go to the prom, but at her own expense.
Not allowed home alone or on the au pair holiday.
Has to sell some of her expensive belongings.

But you really need to ring fence the punishment and work to have a loving relationship.

[RigglinJigglin]

I agree with selling the concert ticket, asking her to get a part time job to repay damaged items.sanctions around phone, internet and going out/seeing friends.

Prom should be on a v limited budget.

I did similar at that age. My parents sold my things, I don't like this approach as I found it very humiliating. I also had the you need to do house jobs before revising shite too, it really impacted on my gcse results and options that followed. TBH I'd think you were being a twat to stop her revising - that's spiteful.

[Comeatmefam]

When I was a teen in the early 80s I went to dozens of house parties where houses were trashed. It has always been the way when parents go away.

No, that doesn't help you but I'm just saying it's standard teenage behaviour.

I'd also be upset and furious btw but I wouldn't start seeing her through 'new eyes' or thinking 'trust was broken'.

I'd say stop dithering, stop asking her, us, friends how to punish her and don't have a punishment that drags on forevermore or it will backfire on you.

I totally disagree with posters saying give her five or six different punishment!

Choose one big punishment (for me it would actually just be saving up money from birthday presents or jobs to pay for, say, £250 of the damage) and stick to it then forget this.

[maddening]

Sell festival ticket to pay for prom.

cancel holiday. .

spends all easter revising and cleaning and a summer job to pay back to cost of damage.

[GuineaPigGaiters]

Agree that she should beating you back every penny. Cancel ticket for festeval, allow her to go to prom but pay for nothing.

As regards the holiday, I would be telling her that you feel duty bound to inform the family that has offered to take her about whet she has done, so that they can make their own decisions about whether she can still go. They SHOULD know anyway, as she has shown that her characteristic s other than they believe and I would want to know if this was someone who was going to look after my children.

If they are still happy pt take her then I'd let her go.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Yy to pay for own prom.
(Off set against cost of damage)

Sumer job AFTER exams for the rest.

FFS why would you deliberately present your own child from achieving their maximum potential I exams the results of which are supposed to last a lifetime. Those results will affect university, a levels, employment and you would sabotage that?!

I had a party when my parents went away. House not excessively trashed but my mum is very house proud and found every little detail.

Wouldn't stop the holiday-that is letting the other family down.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

*prevent

[diddl]

Oh come on, the girl totally lied!

I agree the punishments should be limited but I totally get how you feel OP.

"When I was a teen in the early 80s I went to dozens of house parties where houses were trashed. It has always been the way when parents go away."

Jesus!

[deakymom]

ffs i never got a prom they didn't do that when i was a child its an american thing that has been passed on to us and i think they should keep it there is nothing important about spending money on a dress to dance its not a wedding! if it hadn't been for the comment thats what you should expect i would have said she has learned her lesson she has not learned her lesson she needs to get a job pay you back and get grounded at least till her GCSEs are over no need to mess up her future with people who trash houses

[Pumpkinpositive]

She now needs to spend the easter holiday cleaning up the mess instead of studying.

Come now. It sounds as if you actually want to hurt your daughter, rather than just punish her.