to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

Because teenagers are dumb? Because, as others have said, they're not particularly good at risk assessment... They want to look cool by having loads of people over, or they just want to have loads of people over, for fun...

I agree with what some have said - punishment of some sort for the wrecking of the house bit, and love, gentleness and communication for the sex bit.

Teenagers think they are mini-adults. Sometimes we get fooled into thinking it too. But they're not.

Also, I'm sure I read somewhere that the more 'sensible' and responsible the teenager, the more reckless they tend to be. Perhaps because they figure that as they're so sensible they'll be able to keep things under control. Very often that's not the case...

Maryz and Holger

This is what I've been saying throughout this thread and been flamed.

The histrionics and OTT reactions about teenagers having wild house parties when parents go away and having underage sex is...actually depressing, as well as baffling. Depressing that teens are demonised for just being teens.
They don't make great decisions some of the time. What's more, they haven't got worse or changed over generations. I am 48 and I can tell you we were up to the same crap at this age.

As I've said I would certainly be furious and upset about the trashed house (and dish out ONE big punishment, not 10 different punishments for six months!!!) and I would be worried about the unprotected sex. The underage bit? No because I had sex at this age (within a relationship as it happens). But I'd certainly want to discuss and talk about it and realise the condom message had not got through - a very, very important message which kids today still ignore.

"Depressing that teens are demonised for just being teens."

But I didn't know any teens that did this, nor do I know any now that my kids are teens who would do this.

Diddl - then we do and did live in different worlds. And I don't mean that facetiously. I guess it does depend on where you live(d), who your peers are/were, what your interests are/were, your personality of course.

I do meet lots of parents with teens older than mine (my eldest is nearly 14 so a young teen) who swear blind that none of their kids drink or have sex and I find it hard to believe especially when I hear otherwise. I think many parents (not all) are in deep denial.

Read this thread last night, haven't caught up on latest posts. But I do have one suggestion.

Please do not go down the route of marching her to the GUM clinic with you in attendance - that smacks of using her sexual health as a means of public humiliation and further punishment, and is, frankly, slut shaming. Most GPs surgeries will have self-test kits you can pick up from reception - or book her in with a female GP or nurse at the GP's to get it done discretely. She needs to learn the lesson that her sexual health is not to be messed around with. I also totally agree (although, she's nearly 16 and this is probably a case of bolting the stable door after the horse has gone) that it's better to wait and have sex in a responsible, adult manner - but slut shaming is not the way to achieve either of these goals.

It's not '10 different punishments over 6 months' it's consequences of her stupidity.

The house needs cleaning so she will have to clean it.
The damage needs paying for so she will have to pay for it - this means missing out on a shit load of things but it isn't a shit load of punishments, it's one big consequence.
I can't get hand-wringy about a 15 yo having consensual sex but it's icky to do it it someone else's bed and I would be beyond cross about that. At 15 she probably doesn't understand how icky it is, I know I wouldn't have didn't

Comeatme - I think the issue is that all your postings pretty much suggests that ALL of this - parties parents don't know about, a bit of petty vandalism and unprotected sex - is what ALL teens do. You even pretty much said "come on, we all did it, didn't we?"

Well, actually, NO, we didn't all do it and not all teens are doing it. Just because you did something and some teens do something doesn't mean they're all doing it or that we should simply accept it when it happens, be a little cross and just shrug our shoulders and say it's normal behaviour. It may have been in your circles, but it certainly wasn't in mine.

What happened at this house was not a bit of petty vandalism but criminal damage on a fairly sizeable scale. If two teenage boys broke into my house and trashed the place, would I be cross as hell? Too right. Would I chalk it down to normal teenage behaviour and not involve the police because of it? Hell no. And I wouldn't treat it any different in this instance just because my DD enabled it.

"Diddl - then we do and did live in different worlds."

Maybe!

And of course I know that these things happen even though I haven't yet (fingers crossed/touch wood) been affected or know anyone who has.

If parents went away we tended to stay at a friends house.

I wouldn't have held a party anyway-would have been too scared to tbh, just in case something went wrong.

My kids are 16 & 18 -maybe I should put them to the test!!

Notnew - yes I take your point, hence my post to Diddl up there ^

diddl don't do it!! but if you do come and post on here so I can say I told you so!!!!

lurcio Great post, I agree.

Oh wow.

OP, at least the fact it was sex with her boyfriend (16?) and not some random ex-Sixth Former makes it less likely she will have caught a STD.

I would be worried about the fact that she had unprotected sex and thought only of the morning after pill. When taking her to the clinic make sure they get the dangers os STds across.

As for "we all did it" - no, we didn't. Not unprotected.

OP, I hope you find the right words and don't ruin your relationship with her. Good luck.

"diddl don't do it!!"

Well if they are both like me then they won't dare.
Which is fine as long as neither of them would tell friends that we are away.

If however either of them are like my sister...

As far as the unprotected sex goes:

1. There is no point taking her for STI tests as chlamydia and gonorrhoea will not show up for 2 weeks after the UPSI.
2. You need to make sure she took the morning after pill and if she took it in time. There are 2 pills you can take now - one taken within 72 hours and one within 5 days. Or she can have the copper coil inserted within 5 days.
3. HIV will not show up until 3 months has passed and it is a blood test.
4. She also needs a syphillis and hepatitis test.
5. She will need to take a pregnancy test in 3 weeks time after taking the morning after pill.

I think it's time to sit down with her again and discuss contraception with her properly. I'm not a big fan of the pills for young girls as they often forget them no matter how responsible and educated they seem to be (I'm a GP and see a lot of students for this) so I think a LARC (long acting reversible contraception) would be best. Either the injection (have every 3 months) or the implant (in for 3 years). I would also be supplying her with some condoms because it doesn't matter how much hellfire and brimstone you bring down her head (and you are more than justified to so so) teenagers can be idiots when it comes to sex and you can't stop them doing it. (I'm hoping chastity belts come back in fashion when my DD is a teenager!!!)

I think the ridiculous comment of 'this is what to expect from a teenager) was possibly a way of to detract from the real issue that she lost her virginity that night and she knows in her heart she was an idiot for not protecting herself.

As soon as her exams are over she needs to get a job and pay you back for definite. I would agree to the prom but I would be picking her up after it to prevent any further 'it's prom night we should all party afterwards and have sex' mentality that US prom films seem to have.

Again, you all have been more than helpful.

As I believe dd is protecting her friends and the parents are wanting to make amends but there are still over half of the 40 plus 'guests' whose contacts details I don't have, the policeman I spoke to yesterday said 'leave it to us' as it was their job.

Thank god.

My work has just been on hold with this and I realise my dd actually needs me more than ever, she brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning.

Thank you about reminding me about the 'take away'tests at the gp clinic, we'll pick one up today.

I think you are spot on re: risk assessment, never thought it like that, but we have discussed this and she agrees with me. I am going to hold off driving lessons at 17 because we both realise she reallu has low levels of knowing how to protect herself.

We are going to start building the trust back up.

Good luck wotoo - you sound like a great mum and your dd sounds like a great girl. You are working together on this and that's the best way.

Wootoo, it sounds like you have handled this really well and that your DD is learning a lot from her mistakes. I hope I can handle any future issues just as well.

What Tilly said, I'm full of admiration (and apprehension about our own teen years!).

Wotoodoo, this just gets worse and worse. Thank God she had the wit to get the morning after pill, but I would still make her do a pregnancy test when her period is due which hopefully will bring home the potential risk, just as much as the STD tests. She should also message the boy to get tested as well, because with no use of a condom either could have infected the other; and that she will let him know when her results are through.

That should make him squirm. After all, who would trust the word of a boy who doesn't carry his own condoms that he has had no other sexual partners if that's what DD has been told? You will need to explore reliable contraception for her as well if she's determined to continue having sex, don't trust her to take the pill and she still needs to continue using condoms too. Let's hope he was worth it, a lot of young girls find their first time a total let down.

The using your bed was a seriously disrespectful thing to do. Tell her you're considering having a lock fitted to your bedroom, and adding the cost of new bedding etc added to her payment plan.

I think DD isn't ready yet for as much independence as she thinks, and I think you would have to wait until she had proved herself trustworthy again before relaxing.

You are dealing with this so well. Op.

I am dreading DD being a teenager.

I'm not going to comment on the sex because I don't know what I'd do. I have boys so I'd have to come from a different angle IYSWIM.

WRT I agree with diddl. This is not something that all teenagers do. I would be absolutely fuming and would be coming down like a tonne of bricks. Savings accounts would be emptied and car insurance and lessons cancelled until it was paid for.

We went away last week and left our teen boys at home alone. We knew full well they wouldn't do this. We came home to a clean house, they'd done their laundry and DS2 had done his revision. DS1 didn't trash the house when he was left last year either. My parents frequently left us as teens. We wouldn't have dared had a party.

She's 16 - she old enough that she should know about trust and consequences. Sell the festival ticket.If she's got a posh phone take swap it for a no frills PAYG - the £10 type that does bugger all apart from take incoming calls. Some may say oh it's only a bit of damage blah blah. Knock it on the head so you dont end up being invited on Sun Sex and Suspicious parents in a few years to see your daughter bumping and grinding on some latino romeo before vomiting on herself.

Yeah I sound like an oldie - but that's the problem with kids nowadays - very few take any responsibility for their actions.