to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[ScotchBonnet1985]

If it was her first time then it may have not been a pleasant experience and as you say op, she might need you more than ever.

You sound like a very loving and supportive parent so continue as you are and you never know this may bring you closer and hopefully she will confide in you from now on.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I suspect we'd have done much the same if ds3 had told us then why he and his friends were leaving the party, Maryz.

[flow4]

I'm not going to add my two-penny-worth on punishment, wotoodoo; I haven't got anything new to say...
But, I'd like to offer you some comfort from a year or two down the line...

I understand how it feels to have your trust broken by your child, the person you love most in the world. I know about not being able to look your DC in the eye, and about the anger that bubbles on and on, and spills over onto other things, so that you start to over-react to little problems because, deep down, you're still boiling with fury about the big problem...

Two years ago, I was at this point with my DS. Regulars here may remember why, but I won't bother going over it again. The 'big betrayal' wasn't his only bad behaviour (by a long shot) so the wound was kept raw... The long and short of it was that I felt so angry, hurt and betrayed that I thought our relationship was fatally damaged, and I didn't think I would ever trust or love my son again. :(

The good news is, most of these teens grow up. It took my DS another year or so to start to take responsibility, but he did. He dropped the attitude, and started treating me - and our home and family - and himself - with more respect. Gradually, he started to make better choices.

As things improved, I realised how much of my anger was underpinned by fear. Under my fury, there were a whole load of anxieties and terrors, from "If he behaves like this he's going to end up dead!" (or arrested, or expelled, or on the dole for ever, or, or, or...) to "He must be so unhappy; I've failed him" and "What if his brother goes the same way?"... :(

As he continued to avoid trouble, and behave well, my fears subsided to manageable levels... And my anger subsided too... And I started to forgive him. :)

It will take you a while to forgive your daughter and trust her again. Maybe months or more. How long it takes will depend on her responses... But you asked "How will I ever treat her in a kind loving way again?" and the answer is that you don't need to plan it; it will just happen... This fear - that your love for your DD is irreparably damaged - is hugely upsetting - it was the very worst thing for me - so I just want to let you know you will forgive her. Just give it time. :)

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

What a lovely, positive post, flow4 - and it is lovely to hear that things have got better for you and your ds.

[bigTillyMint]

Yes, what a lovely post

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

I also applaud your post Flow4 - it really does sum up feelings that some of us struggle with. How can I ever trust you again, will you ever be nice to me again, what have I done that makes me such a bad parent and that you hate me so much. Of course, none of these things, but at the time of the rebellion, you can't see it, just feel that it's your fault you've done something wrong. I don't know your story, Flow, sounds as though it may have been pretty bad, so I am very happy things are looking up for you.

And to OP - again, you feel betrayed now, but it will pass. Everything will even out, truly it will.
I think that's the worst thing - the feeling of betrayed trust. You've trusted your child, they've betrayed the trust, a red mist descends. My kids have done it, they've learned from it (hopefully) and I don't feel as anxious now, leaving them. They both (and the friends) appear to have learned from their mistakes (and my screechings)!! If no-one's dead then other stuff can be fixed or accepted, one way or another.

[FunLovinBunster]

Great post, flow. I think you're correct about parental fear. I feel it now, about 7yr old DD. I imagine it will escalate as she gets older and leaves home. Thanks for putting it in to perspective. All this shall pass...

[CookieB]

I'd let her go to prom too & make sure she had plenty of study time but that is all. I would be utterly ashamed & hurt if my dc acted this way. They are still young so time will tell but I come from a single parent family with no siblings with dm working long hours at weekends which meant she had to stop over at some far away locations leaving me alone when I was 14! I have had my own key from 11 & would never have abused her trust this way despite some friends trying to persuade me otherwise. Oh and I have also worked while being at school/college/uni so maybe get her to local job centre too so she can pay ALL the money in regards to damages.

[HolidayCriminal]

After reading this thread: I am never leaving any of my teens at home alone overnight NEVER.

Er, can the girl really pay back £1000 worth of damage? How many 16yos could get mitts on that kind of money??

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Mental (I'm reluctant to call you "Professor") - I think you'll find it is not an "attitude", just a feeling or a fact, actually, that it is a happening that some teens will do this. Not all, (clearly not you, the model teenager) but some.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

[wotoodoo]

I messaged one of the culprits as dd and said please do the right thing and apologise and club together to do the right thing.

No response.

Police coming Tuesday.

A lady who works at the school where the culprits all left and hence knew them all as troubled teens (all kicked out), not very happy home lives, some indifferent parents, some tearing their hair out. She said it was clever of my dd to have invited them.

Had she not invited them they would have found out about the party anyway and would have done far far worse damage.

Others have backed this version up. So this is a new take that had not even entered my mind.

Turns out the ringleader who already has a well established criminal record was the one who helped dd clear up.

But some of the lads had gone into ds's bedroom and trashed it. DD upset because ds would not accept her apology and would not give her a hug. Ds spent all evening repairing his lego models.

DD and I had a lot of together time today, holding hands.

She is going to study a lot tomorrow. Not done enough revision so that is focus now.

Being philosophical re: work.

Cannot believe how differently I was parented. My dm catered for my physical needs only food, clean clothes, etc. I never ever went to her for any issue whatsoever growing up.

But actually I think being a parent means being supportive of both their emotional and physical needs.

So easy to get that balance wrong though. Or even if you think you're on the right path, to end up getting it all wrong.

[TheRealJoanWarburton]

DD and I had a lot of together time today, holding hands
I'm so glad.

[Logg1e]

I messaged one of the culprits as dd and said please do the right thing and apologise and club together to do the right thing.

Er, with your daughter's knowledge and permission OP?

[wotoodoo]

No, but she saw the convo and continued it after I left off, she agreed with what I had written.

Quote from prof cleaners £180 so doable for her to pay back. Sum total do not have to replace sofas and carpets so damage £ reduced now.

Oven damage unaccounted for but replacement knobs are not that expensive as long as we can get hold of them. Am too busy so dh looking into that plus replacement light fittings.

DD helping w with the show and revising today.I seem be gaining a kinder, more thoughtful dd as a result of all this.

DD saying she is glad she has me as her mum.

[diddl]

"Had she not invited them they would have found out about the party anyway and would have done far far worse damage.you both."

How convenient!

Or course no one could know that.

It doesn't detract from the fact that your daughter just shouldn't have had the party!

Glad that things seem to be moving on for you both & hope her exams go well.

[Logg1e]

OP imho I think that posing as your daughter in communications is your first misstep.

[flow4]

I agree with Maryz. But it doesn't really matter what we think: if you are getting the damage sorted, your DD is 'glad' you're her mum because of the way you're dealing with it, and you feel better about her because she's reacting in a more 'kind and thoughtful' way, then that's a good result, isn't it? :)

[Shinyshoes1]

I wouldn't let her go to the prom .. To be that's a reward .. Why reward her for such behaviour
No prom
No concert
No nice holiday

These are all rewards and she won't take you seriously
She needs to pay you back ... She doesn't seem at all remorseful and why should she if she can trash your house and still go to the prom / concert/ nice holiday

She needs to learn the hard way that this is NOT acceptable and she needs to pay for all the damage caused

[HelloBoys]

Having read most of the thread I'm in 2 minds about this.

Especially OP's DD's reaction and plan in first place... Then again the DD is only 15.

I'd be tempted to take away at least half of the things she really enjoys/looks forward to and get a summer job or babysitting to contribute if not all then some of money needed. This is based on the DD having parties etc, knowing who was invited.

Of course the DD will be glad OP is her mother if she see s to get off fairly scot free. What's to say she's learned her lesson or not? The convos between mum and DD are good though and shoe understanding on both sides which is commendable.

[HelloBoys]

Shiney I can why you and some others have reacted in this way but really with some DC if you react this way their attitude can get worse and escalate....

Luckily my main worries were pub at 14 (eek!) with unsuitable older men and the odd dodgy boyfriend but my peers did far worse. Ran away, climbed out of windows, etc.

I think OP knows her DD best and how she takes punishment etc and what character she is eg will she do it again?