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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

435 replies

wotoodoo · 09/04/2014 01:38

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/04/2014 16:37

No prom, no holiday, no music festival. I'd sell whatever she has to pay for it.

She stays home and studies.

morethanpotatoprints · 10/04/2014 16:41

OP.

I would be very hard on her and make her pay the whole amount, but I wouldn't stop the prom.
I wouldn't be spending money on dress or limo, but I wouldn't stop her going. She will miss a very vital milestone and remember it for the rest of her life, which to me is too far a punishment.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2014 16:45

FFS,it's a fucking dance, hardly a 'milestone'.

Itsfab · 10/04/2014 16:51

Missing something that is seen my some as so important is a good consequence for her behaviour then.

jenniferalisonphillipasue · 10/04/2014 16:57

I wouldn't stop the prom either. She needs to take responsibility for her actions but I would also imagine she is feel pretty humiliated by the whole thing and possibly her bravado is a front for this.

I think the advent of social media makes it so much easier to find out about these gatherings. We had house parties when I was a teen but nothing ever went that far.

Growing up my house was always the party house (my parents were very absent and nonchalant about the whole thing) but I can tell you that a large majority of my friends lied to their parents. My best friend was a popular straight A student and her mum was a teacher at our school. If you asked her mother she would have said she never got up to mischief as a teen. However she dated the local drug dealer for a year without her parents knowing and did plenty of other things which they definitely would not have approved of.

givemeaclue · 10/04/2014 17:00

Recent posters, have you read the ops posts? The damage is by the by, the unprotected sex is more the issue

diddl · 10/04/2014 17:08

"She will miss a very vital milestone"

Really, a Prom??

Grin
showtunesgirl · 10/04/2014 17:15

Why don't people RTFT?!

nilbyname · 10/04/2014 17:18

I think you have handled this brilliantly, and have shown your DD clear consequences to your DD.

AlpacaYourThings · 10/04/2014 17:24

A prom is not a milestone. I barely even remember mine.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/04/2014 17:31

OK - the prom is not a 'milestone' or a vital rite of passage, but it does feel really important to the kids at that age. We can all look back and see how missing this party or that dance didn't blight our social lives - but at that age, it does seem like missing it would be the end of the world to miss the prom.

I think that letting her dd go to the prom would be wotoodoo tempering justice with mercy. I wouldn't be coughing up for salon make up or nails, or a new dress or a limo, and there would be no after party, and I would be expecting reparation from the girl as well as her guests, but I think if everything is taken away, and her life is one huge punishment, then resentment could take over and cause lasting damage to the relationship between the OP and her dd.

FunLovinBunster · 10/04/2014 17:54

I wouldn't let her go to the prom. Grounded means grounded.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/04/2014 18:02

Looking back at wotoodoo's original post! she says she has told her dd she can't go to the prom - and I think she has to stick to that, having said it, even though, as I've said, I wouldn't extend the punishment that far.

dancersdad · 10/04/2014 19:31

In all honesty I think the prom is already a no goer- given the expensive dresses, hair and nails etc that teenagers seem to go for nowadays plus the price of the ticket I'm not convinced OP's DD would be able to afford it anyway, let alone on top of repaying the damage. Let her realise she can't afford to fund it all herself- that's the real lesson here. If you can't afford to buy a new sofa, carpet, pay to have things cleaned after damage at a party then you shouldn't be hosting said party in the first place.

morethanpotatoprints · 10/04/2014 19:37

I think she will receive punishment enough without missing the prom, and disagree with those who think its no big deal.
For my dc it was the opportunity to say goodbye to friends and the life of a school child. aren't they all about saying goodbye to the past and welcoming the future.
I stand by what I said though, if it was one of mine they'd be cleaning and footing the bill and getting a job to pay for it all, plus funding their own prom.

YouTheCat · 10/04/2014 20:59

Given what I know goes on at prom, I don't think it would be a good idea for her to go.

TwixTime · 10/04/2014 22:16

Many will think this is ridiculous but I can't help feeling sorry and worrying slightly for your daughter. Please hear me out.

The dread and humiliation of you tracking down people who are her friends will in her eyes be painful beyond belief. She will be the talk of her full year group-this can seem like a living hell to a teenager. Knowing she has caused all sorts of damage both physically in the house and to your relationship

Now facing her parents and having to discuss her(extremely stupid) sex life....

Meanwhile she's got std's and exams to freak out about. All I'm saying is please watch out for her becoming overwhelmed.

Outing myself but I'm a child line volunteer and I am not here to scaremonger you or make you feel bad for punishing her- she will feel she deserves punished I'm sure- but equally please recognise that although she has caused it - this will be a scary, confusing, humiliating time which at the moment will feel never ending. This can cause normally sensible teens to do things they would never consider, whether that is simply acting out full of bravado or more serious things.

Your anger will be wrapped up in disappointment that she's not perfect (she's your daughter you are allowed to want to believe she is), in your earlier post it sounded like you were taling about your younger dd as though she was angelic, which she most likely is! But remember she too will be getting influenced by how you react with your older dd through this hard time.

Messages are so much harder than rl to convey a meaning and all to easy to misinterpret. I hope this comes across as intended which is a message of support not condemnation but a gentle reminder to watch out for any signs of serious distress.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/04/2014 22:40

That's kind-of why I was saying maybe let her go to the prom, earlier on.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/04/2014 23:23

youthecat - what goes on at prom? my dds prom was a staid affair at a gold club. buffet and disco.
home by 10.
it was about the dresses, shoes and hair....having a chance to dress up.

not every teen is hell bent of getting pissed/stoned/laid.

teens are in this horrible no mans land - too young to be adults, too grown up to be children.

i would favour treating as an adult - my dd is 16, im not daft. But i think given the choice between treating a 15/16 yr old as a child and meting out punishments and treating them as an adult and asking them to take responsibility i would favour the latter.
whats done is done. its how its dealt with now that matters.

for all those saying ground her, take her phone, ban prom,.....what would your reaction be to those constraints for a mistake?

everyone makes mistakes. punishing these mistakes is not constructive or helpful - if the OP wants a decent relationship with her dd then i think this matters. grounding, confiscation of possessions, banning of treats - how many adults get this treatment on making a cock up? the adult equivalent is prison....

think about it.

i think its all OTT and how many saying dole out punishments have teens?
i have a really good relationship with my dd. she is 16. she makes mistakes. Sometimes she doesnt tell me things - she is on the pill and didnt tell me....but when i found out we had a discussion about it, not an argument. She has a long term boyfriend - but i was just glad she was taking care of herself.

my reaction would be anger - yes at the damage. But put yourself in this girls position....how do you think she feels right now?

is banning prom, grounding for months, taking her phone and access to friends, going to be constructive? or just make those who are feeling angry on the OPs behalf feel better?

the girl needs her mum now more than ever. why alienate her?

lessonsintightropes · 10/04/2014 23:29

Vicar mine, in NW England, 20 years ago: no big dress, hair, nails and limo bill (would have been viewed as a bit sad and try-hard).

Held in a local hotel: Head of 5th year bought everyone a shot of tequila.

I threw up on Head of Form's shoes (haven't been able to drink tequila since), recovered, and snogged the football team captain (as I was a punk with green hair this was a fairly unlikely outcome).

Boozy, sexy, fun, a good way to say goodbye to a group of friends - but nothing like as fun as the nights in the pub with them a couple of times after I moved to a different sixth form.

This was 20 years ago - I suspect it is a very different tradition now to the one that you and I experienced. V different for the OP's daughter and I've already said that I think she is in a very difficult position given information which has subsequently come to light. Given too that none of us know OP or her daughter I don't think any of us know what is the right thing for OP or her DD right now re the prom, and actually think it is the least of the issues to be resolved.

Ruprekt · 10/04/2014 23:30

How are things OP? Smile

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/04/2014 23:36

i wasnt focusing on the prom....

i didnt have a prom. im in my 40s. dd had one just last year (if you read my post)

prom is indeed the least of the issues - which is exactly what i was saying - if you punish for mistakes then where is the learning?
people are saying ground the dd until september, ban prom, take phone away, ban seeing friends, force study....etc etc.

really??????????

paddyclampo · 10/04/2014 23:42

I'm with all those who say don't make her miss her prom. Do whatever else to make her pay but not that. It's such a massive event for teenagers that I don't think she'd be able to forgive if she missed it!

YouTheCat · 10/04/2014 23:50

If it is so massive then maybe she'll learn to use her brain next time?

Prom is superficial tosh.

The teen doesn't have anything to be forgiving anyone for here at all.

Ruprekt · 10/04/2014 23:54

You cannot keep the punishment going for weeks. It will be too exhausting for all of you.

She needs to get her head down to revise and then she needs to get a job and pay back what she owes.

She is not he sensible girl you thought she was and she needs a good kick up the backside and a damn good talking to about sex.

Hope you are all ok.