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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:

PlumProf · 09/04/2014 12:18

Fluffedup Life's tough for you at the moment and you are doing just the right thing: looking at options, seeking advice and making decisions, with care for those around you and also what is right. That is a fantastic approach to life and ultimately you will be a credit to all of those around you. I wish you ever so much luck with it all.

IAmNotAMindReader · 09/04/2014 13:45

With the best will in the world Fluffedup he won't stop when you are in the police. If he thinks he cant get away with it he will continue to manipulate you. He has spent a lifetime doing this to people, its how he interacts on a basic human level, he can't be any other way now its too ingrained.
He only has you of now but should you cut him lose he is a survivor and he would sell a sob story to someone else. However that requires effort he doesn't have to expend right now as he has you.
Of course there are flashes of a good person in there if damaging people were all bad then they wouldn't be able to cause so much damage, it's those flashes that keep people on the hook for so long.

ricericebaby · 09/04/2014 16:11

Fluffed if you are at college on a full time course you can't claim carers allowance. I know this as I've just been through it recently. It doesn't matter that you still care for 35 hours or more you're not entitled to it as a full time student. I lost mine despite caring for my daughter through the night, after school, school holidays, weekends etc.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your chosen career.

NurseyWursey · 09/04/2014 16:17

Yeah I think rice is correct, although I don't agree with the guidelines.

maddening · 09/04/2014 16:29

if your mum will support you living at her house why not do a part time college course and part-time care for your mum. If you are entitled to any carers allowance then claim it.

you dad is an adult and can sort his own life out - he will be fine so don't worry about it - it's your life now- you won't get back any of the time you waste now so build your future - if your dad loves you he will be happy for you.

maddening · 09/04/2014 16:32

ps i although it's lovely that you want to do this for your mum I personally think your mum should support you through college and support herself with the household income and any allowances to which she is entitled to pay for a carer - unless you want to go in to caring anyway.

iseenodust · 09/04/2014 16:38

Take the career path and make a life for yourself. There's another thread at the moment about 'I've wasted my skills and now feel it's too late'. Any parent who doesn't want better for you than a life on benefits needs to have a long hard look in the mirror.

Go for it !

PlumProf · 09/04/2014 17:07

What maddening says.

Fishandjam · 09/04/2014 17:39

fluffed, if you don't stand up to him now, I'd be concerned that once you do join the police, he may use that to blackmail you into continuing to collude in his fraud.

destructorgirl, you definitely need to deal with this for your daughter.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 10/04/2014 09:39

You all need to be careful, you are giving me a big head with all your compliments

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 10/04/2014 10:01

But if you continue to let your father control you like this, our hopes for you will be unjustified.

sashh · 10/04/2014 10:12

I don't know what to do ether way I seem to be pissing someone off

Yes but only one of the situations would you also be complicit in fraud.

Now you know (or at least have the information to check) that your dad is claiming benefit he shouldn't you are now aware of a crime.

ANd just to muddle you further if you are a full time student you cannot receive carer's allowance.

MoominsAreScary · 10/04/2014 10:17

If hes only been claiming for you since the new cb rules came in it hasn't been long, less than a year? He managed without the money before he could do it again.

Ds1s dad was planning on doing similar, I told him if he did I would report him

He is being incredibly selfish.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 10/04/2014 16:22

No it's been less than a year, and I'm taking all this advice on board thank you all so much.

OP posts:

WestieMamma · 10/04/2014 17:38

I agree with the pp who said it's up to the adults to sort this out. The OP should not be in this position at all. She's in it because both of her parents have allowed it to happen. One or the other of them needs to take control and sort it out so that their child doesn't have to. Bloody disgraceful putting this responsibility onto her young shoulders.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 11/04/2014 09:19

Thank god people are saying it's down to the adults I really don't want to do it

OP posts:

PlumProf · 11/04/2014 10:23

Fluffed it really is. You should do what is right and good for you. Committing to spend 35 hours a week caring for your mother is something your mum should only expect you to be doing if she was desperate and had exhausted every other possibility. Most parents would hate to burden their children like that, especially if it were to mean that you could not be at college full time.

(Of course, if there is no choice and you are in fact doing this anyway then you should collect the money if it is available).

BTW it goes without saying that your father is beyond the pale and you shouldn't give it a moment's thought to what he is saying about this.

MoominsAreScary · 11/04/2014 11:15

No, your mum and dad need to sort it out between them. Whatever they do you should not loose out financially because of it.

OldVikingDudeHidMyTubeSocks · 16/04/2014 19:05

Have only just been made aware of this thread.

OP is my niece. (Tis a riiight family affair on here!)

There's no way OP's mother would allow her to give up on college or a paid job and claim carer's allowance instead. It was just an idea that was thrown at them as a possibility. Sadly that possibility has caused her father to voice his concerns in a way that he is fucking famous for.

We predicted that he would start on his abusive controlling ways when OP came of age and started to be slightly more independent.

Breaks my heart really because she's a good, sensible girl, never caused any trouble unlike me and doesn't want to cause upset. I was only a child when my sister was with her Dad, looking back at how he behaved to my sister through an adults eyes sickens me (and that's only the things I witnessed)

Ferret (feels weird to call you that considering that's been MY name on here for years!) I don't think the claiming of carers is going to happen due to college etc BUT you need to stop letting your father guilt trip you. How he behaves is not normal, there's no denying he loves you. He really does but his mind is twisted in the way he thinks it and shows it.
You don't owe him anything and as your father he shouldn't expect you to.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 16/04/2014 20:23

Thank you oldviking :) and there's still time to cause trouble ;)

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 16/04/2014 21:04

I know what his name is. It's Alfie Dolittle, isn't it?

"A man was made to help support his children,
Which is the right and proper thing to do.
A man was made to help support his children BUT
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
They'll grow up and start supporting you!"

MooncupMadness · 16/04/2014 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep · 16/04/2014 22:54

I remember when I visited Cambodia years ago hearing stories of families who would deliberately disfigure their children so that they could use them for begging and make more money that way. It was horrifying that parents would exploit children in that manner for their own financial gain.

TBH, the deliberate disfigurement may not be there, but your F is using you in the same way - for his financial gain, like a chattel. It is absolutely repulsive.

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