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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:
parakeet · 08/04/2014 19:12

Hi Fluffed, for a start your dad has been highly unreasonable - to the point of being a toxic parent - in making his daughter complicit in benefit fraud.

Re the carers' allowance, if you are doing the work of caring, then isn't that something you deserve? Why would you accept the smaller amount of £50 a week, just so he can continue to skive (sorry)?

Don't let him guilt-trip you for one minute. A loving parent puts their children's interest first, not relies on them for financial support. Every time he starts on you just walk away, put the phone down, etc. There's a saying here on MN "No is a complete sentence." Good luck!

SweetBabyJebus · 08/04/2014 19:13

I'd tell him to shove it up his arse, personally.

TheCatThatSmiled · 08/04/2014 19:13

So he's claiming child benefit, income support and housing benefit for you as if you were living there.

That's benefit fraud. Take your job, it will give you your own money and give you valuable work experience to put on your cv. Which you absolutely do need in this day & age.

He's a grown man, he needs to look after himself.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:15

You are not responsible for your dad. And it sounds as though he has enjoyed taking full advantage for some years now.

Claim the allowance. If you are caring for your mum you are entitled to it. Your dad will have to accept you are no longer his cash cow.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:16

I don't know what to do ether way I seem to be pissing someone off :(

OP posts:
salsmum · 08/04/2014 19:17

I'm not sure about the bedroom tax rules for children staying over w/e but what he needs to do is contact his housing ass to tell them that she now won't be staying there...but is it possible she still may stay over? IF HE is stating you are LIVING there it's his fraud not yours...I think it's high time he made a call to tell his H/A that you have NOW left home! He will sulk etc...but if he doesn't have much to do with you both whats to miss?

destructogirl · 08/04/2014 19:17

Hell yes he is toxic. He was emotionally and financially abusive when I was with him, I didn't imagine he'd start pulling this on DD though.

He is convincing and will always win any argument. He's really been laying in to her lately with the poor me routine.

ICanSeeTheSun · 08/04/2014 19:18

Listen to your mum.

Being a carer will look fantastic on your CV.

Did your dad, he is a fully grown adult who can look for a job and pay his way.

Good luck in becoming a police officer.

Casmama · 08/04/2014 19:18

I think you should claim for the carers allowance. If you want to join the police the. It is a good idea to stop being complicit in benefit fraud.

As a side issue it may even help an application to the police as it shows you are a responsible and caring person.

Your mum seems to want money for you whereas your dad wants to break the law to get money for himself- who do you think has your best interests at heart!

Casmama · 08/04/2014 19:19

However, if you don't want to be a carer for your mum that should be ok too.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:19

Listen to your mum, go and get the job and start your life lovely. DON'T feel guilty. He is the one who should feel guilty because he is using you.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:20

Your dad is using you. I think that if you have to choose who to piss off, it should be the person who has used your existence to fraudulently claim money.

Do not make this your responsibility. Your dad is a grown up. He has made his own choices. If your mum needs your help and you want to give it, then it is ok that your dad is pissed off about that. He's just going to have to be. And he may have to be reminded that he needs to calm it down because he is in a vulnerable position if he decides to be difficult!

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:20

He's not really bothered about the law at all, he will just do what he wants.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 08/04/2014 19:21

Take the job. Work will develop your skills and CV, and when you earn some personal money, it will be nice to spend it as you wish. If you want to help anyone or feel you gave to 'choose sides', choose your mum. You live with her and she cares for you. Your dad doesn't give a monkeys about you developing as an adult- he is being selfish and us only interested in you making a choice which benefits him financially. He is using you to falsely claim as much money as he can. Don't feel guilty at all.

RedRoom · 08/04/2014 19:21

Have, not gave

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:22

That's fine, that's his choice. And he will have to accept the consequences of that.

But you have to do what is right for you, not what is right for him. If he cannot accept that because all he wants is the money, then you can only draw one conclusion, can't you?

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:22

I do want to care for my mum I'll always help her, even though I piss her off sometimes but I'd still do it even if I wasn't getting money

OP posts:
salsmum · 08/04/2014 19:23

If your daughter helps you and is your carer albeit unpaid why the hell should she NOT claim carers allowance? Well done Fluffed for being your Mums support have you both been struggling without private carers or are you changing the care from privately paid staff to your daughter?...it sounds like your Dad is only thinking of himself and doesn't care about the struggles you and your Mum have on a daily basis HE is the one who is BVU good luck to you both xx

Casmama · 08/04/2014 19:23

In that case claim the money you are entitled to and don't make some illegal deal with you dad!

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:24

He also has been putting some Facebook posts saying hard times ahead, because of someone's selfish decisions :(

OP posts:
Casmama · 08/04/2014 19:26

Well that is passive aggressive bullshit and you shouldn't allow yourself to be manipulated by it.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:26

Adjust your settings so that you can't see his updates.

He has only the power over you that you give him.

He is the selfish one. Using your existence for his financial gain.

He is very lucky that you are not choosing to report him.

CSIJanner · 08/04/2014 19:29

Am I the only one who wants to write "boo bloody hoo skiver...?" Under his status?

Corygal · 08/04/2014 19:30

He's bloody lucky he hasn't been caught already. And if he does get caught, OP, you'll also have a lot of explaining to do. Take the job and let DF get on with it.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:32

The manipulative selfish arsewipe.

I would write under it. I really would. Something along the lines of 'oh you mean me dad? You mean me wanting to go out and earn money but you'd rather I didn't because your benefits will be affected?'

Sounds like something my stepdad would do this.