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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 08/04/2014 20:22

Have read the first page including your mum's post. Go for the job; earn some money; do something to put on your cv. If that makes your dad a bit skinter there's a little trick he can adopt. It's a little trick called working, grafting, getting a job, earning some wonga of his own.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 08/04/2014 20:29

Tell him he stops being a twat or you report him.

He is emotionally blackmailing you and it is disgusting. He is an adult, you should not be made to feel responsible for his failings. Does he have a job?

Wantsunshine · 08/04/2014 20:31

Wow your dad is a piece of work! Get the job. He should not be sponging off you. He clearly has no morals and doesn't care about your future. If he did he would be so selfish and expect you not to start you career. If he has no disability what is his excuse for being on benefits and the. Lying to get more money as in your child benefit etc and then not spending it on you.
Don't listen to any of his sob stories. Ignore and get on with you life. Sounds like you would make an excellent Special Police Officer. Good luck and don't let your dad get in your way.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:39

I can be a special and look after my mum, I only need to do four hours a week and is voluntary so I'd need other ways of getting money

OP posts:
JamNan · 08/04/2014 20:43

Hmm....sorry but Hmm

destructogirl · 08/04/2014 20:43

I would never want to hold her back. I feel the caring fits in ok with what her plans are at the moment. I certainly wouldn't agree to planning to be looking after me for the rest of her life.
She doesn't want to leave home, she's only 17.

starlight1234 · 08/04/2014 20:47

why is he on income support? is he ill as very specific reasons you can be in income support and having you isn't one of them

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:48

While I'm at home I'm going to help my mum as much as I can, no way would I just sit there while she's in pain, getting money for it would be just an added bonus

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:49

He is claiming disability

OP posts:
PlumProf · 08/04/2014 20:49

OP Wow, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I right that EACH of your parents want to claim benefit for you? Your Dad wants the child benefit and an exta bedroom, whereas your mum wants the carers allowance.

Please do what YOU want to do. I know it must be tough having an ill mother but you might want a life outside the family home. Will you have to give up education to claim carers' allowance for looking after your Mum? Long term, tempting as it must be for you to help your mother, it might not be the best move.

I don't think either of your parents should guilt trip you into claiming benefits for them (sorry, Destrutorgirl, I am sure you are not doing this deliberately but it must be difficult for your daughter to make her very own decision when she is being pulled this way and that by her two parents - do you, as her mother, think that caring for you is a good job for a 17 year old? How do you see her future? Could you not get disability allowance and pay outside carers?)

Sorry if I have misunderstood this all.

OP perhaps post on a different forum with a different name without your mum reading it in order to get impartial views and to be able to post freely. I am sure she will understand your need for objective advice.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:51

My mum doesn't want the carers allowance she wants me to have it

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 20:53

cSIjenner spot on that what you should write. Fluffed your d us a nasty selfish skivver. Do not feel guilty of him, go out and do what you want to do. You are not responsible for him, he is not a baby. He is using you.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:53

I don't do anything for my mum that's putting a hardship on me, I like doing it, and I don't want to leave home anytime soon, so while I'm at home why not help out.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:55

At the moment I'm at college and plan to apply for special I can do this while lending a helping hand

OP posts:
destructogirl · 08/04/2014 20:55

I agree Plum with the need for objective advice, that's why I suggested she posted on mumsnet Grin I can't be objective where her dad is concerned.

I am not claiming money for her. I think she'd rather she got money for looking after me rather than someone else.

Caitlin17 · 08/04/2014 20:56

Ignore your father. Do what you want. Your mum supports your decision. You are in the right.

fayrae · 08/04/2014 20:56

People like this man give all benefits claimants a bad name.

kalidanger · 08/04/2014 20:57

Your mum had to leave him because he is emotionally and financially abusive and I'm afraid you're going to have to do the same. It's sad and awful but you now have a decision to make. He might be your father but he isn't interested in what is best for you, you know this now.

You can minimise contact with him, unfriend him on FB and get on with your life. With your mum's strength for inspiration :)

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 20:59

fluffed Can I also add that I worked and was a carer for my mum when she was ill. It can be done, and it's a brilliant job!

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:59

The guilt would be too much for me too handle to leave him , not when he needs me, I do love my dad and he's not all bad, doing something that would hurt someone is not something I could do ever.

OP posts:
PlumProf · 08/04/2014 21:03

destructorgirl you sound like a lovely mum. Can your DD keep up with her college work whilst looking after you for over 35 hours a week and being a special too? If so, and if she looks after you anyway and can cope (Fluffed you are amazing if you can do all this) then that def sounds like a plan.

OP Forgot to say, pay no attention to your father's guilt trip. I am afraid he is not thinking straight and one day will realise this. It's tough for you to accept that he might not have your best interests at heart right now but that does seem to be the case Sad. That's really not your fault at all. Take care xx

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2014 21:04

Your dad is being emotionally abusive by trying to make you feel responsible for his well being. Even if this was a situation where your choice would really affect him negatively rather than just stop him behaving illegally, a kind and loving dad who wants the best for his child would still support them to do the best thing for their future.

This is not that situation. He is not entitled to that money. He should find some other way of supporting himself - he is committing fraud.

Don't worry about pissing your dad off. You have to stand up for yourself now or he'll always tread on you to suit himself and make his life easier. That should stop now. Don't be sad and worried, be angry! He is actively saying he doesn't care about what you want to do - he is trying to hold you back so that he doesn't have to get off his arse.

Sallyingforth · 08/04/2014 21:05

Listen up OP.
You want to be a PCSO or even a PC. That's a great thing to be doing, but the police are there to prevent and detect crime. How can you think of doing that when you know your father is committing benefit fraud?
Even if you can get that one past your own conscience, if/when he gets caught it will come out that you went along with it. You might get charged with conspiracy to defraud, but you will bugger up any chance of a police career.
Stick with your mother who cares for you, and let this lazy worthless guy sort himself out.

starlight1234 · 08/04/2014 21:05

Sorry destructogirl but I think she needs to post somewhere your mum isn't reading..I think fluffy that you cannot post your true feelings with mum reading...

I think a carers website may be more appropriate... they can talk about the realiry of been a carer...

If you became a carer how easy would you be able to give that up for your mum to do a job

destructogirl · 08/04/2014 21:07

I see how she is too nice to stand up to her dad and I hope there isn't an element of her doing that with me. She says she wants to help me out, and has the time at the moment and doesn't seem to resent it.