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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:
destructogirl · 08/04/2014 19:32

CSIJanner Grin I've been having to sit on my hands to prevent myself typing something similar

LavenderGreen14 · 08/04/2014 19:32

I think you should report him for fraud - what if you don't and he gets caught. Could you be implicated and therefore ruin your future career prospects?

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 19:37

Fluffed - think about who his trying to make you feel guilty for their own selfish reasons. That is who you should ignore.

It's going to be hard, your dad sounds like a master manipulator, and you sound like you have an honest, caring heart.

Think about this - if your very best friend who you care for very much came to you with this situation, what would your advice to her be?

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 19:38

destroctogirl - you've done a lovely job raising your daughter. Congratulations!!!

MrsGoslingWannabe · 08/04/2014 19:41

OP won't be in trouble. She's 17 fgs!

But please take their advice OP. I lost my job cos of my dad's dodge dealings - don't let it happen to you. Nip it in the bud now - wish I had.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:41

Oh hello destructogirl yes I agree with DIY fab daughter you've got there, you must be proud!

destructogirl · 08/04/2014 19:43

Thank you DIY Blush

She is a truly lovely young lady and I'm very proud of her.

destructogirl · 08/04/2014 19:44

Cross post nursey Grin

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:45

I'd feel way too guilty to just leave him to it, I'm the only person he has I feel like he really depends on me, it's feels horrid to be someone's only source of happiness which he says I am a lot :(

OP posts:
destructogirl · 08/04/2014 19:45

In between posting this on mumsnet she is cooking dinner for us all.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:47

With dessert don't forget ;)

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:48

fluffed do not feel guilty. Do not get roped into his games.

My stepdad did this. When I did get work he made it impossible for me because he wouldn't let me say I lived there (despite me doing) so it messed up EVERYTHING for me.

When I did get work he constantly played the poor little poorly me I'm so skint.. and would ask me for money. £200 at a time.

When me and my brother's lived there he'd never feed us because he was 'skint' but always had money for fags.

I felt sorry for him because my family disowned him, including my mum but coz he brought me up when my real dad died I let him use and use me.

Don't let it get that far. You've got a lovely mum there, she knows the score. It is an incredibly hard situation and you will always feel this horrible sicky feeling when you feel you're being harsh on him, but it's a ridiculous feeling (i know coz i get it too)

Flowers
NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:49

Shine a light can I have some too Grin

elfycat · 08/04/2014 19:50

I'd point out to him that claiming for you needs to stop NOW, before someone asks questions. He's got away with it so far but by being greedy he may lose it all. I'm hoping wondering if some family members might get caught out as a relative died ending their benefit swindling and was listed on paperwork as being at a different address.

It stops now and he counts himself lucky for anything extra he did get away with. You do not pay him for visits if you do not live there, although maybe paying for some of the meals wouldn't go amiss.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:52

That is manipulation.

he is manipulating you by saying that.

you are his child, he is the parent. You are not responsible for his happiness.

For how long do you think he can claim for you anyway? When you hit 18, he loses it. Unless he is planning to fraudulently claim benefits in your name and keep them?

Honestly, if you want to be a police officer, you are going to have to toughen up. You are also going to have to be able to step back and assess a situation and do what needs to be done, no matter how difficult. You can also kiss goodbye to that career if you do end up tangled up in his benefit fraud once you hit 18.

Since your dad is not acting in your best interests, you have to do that. you have to think of what is best for you. You cannot live your life in your dad's best interests because you are afraid.

LittleMissGerardButlersMinion · 08/04/2014 19:54

If he loved you that much he would want you to be happy, and he would let you make your own decisions.

He is guilt tripping you to benefit himself for purely selfish reasons. Do what is right for you and your mum, he is the one who should feel guilty not you.

Funnyfoot · 08/04/2014 19:56

Take the job.

Finney2 · 08/04/2014 19:57

OP if your father is committing benefit fraud and you know about it, and you want to join the police, the you needed tell him to stop it before you turn 18. Then you'll be complicit in his fraud and, even if they just gave you a caution, your chances of joining the police go out of the window. If he won't stop, then report him.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 19:59

I don't think I could report him, but I could ask him to stop

OP posts:
Mabelface · 08/04/2014 19:59

A man who truly cares for his child and wants the best for them would not manipulate, bully and load the responsibility for his happiness of their shoulders. He is responsible for what he gets out of life, not you, and if you leave him to it, he'll eventually just find someone else to manipulate.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 20:02

He does not need to know that you don't feel you could report him.

He only needs to hear you be strong. Even if you know you are bluffing.

You have your own life to lead and you can't dance to his tune. You must know that?

RedHelenB · 08/04/2014 20:08

I think at 17 you deserve your own life so I'm going against the grain & suggesting your Mum uses her disability money to employ an outsider to do the tasks she can't do. Find yourself a proper job/training so you can be truly independent and make your own decisions where to live. Your Mum has your step dad for support too remember. I'm a single parent but would never want to have my children care for me at your age even though I'd have no one else family wise.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 20:11

No to be honest I'm really not independent at all, I'd be happy with a job as a special first and living at home where it's much more comfortable

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/04/2014 20:18

But you can't be a special and a carer for your Mum. The police is very difficult to get into at the moment you need to think very carefully about your different options - what are you doing now?

SuperScrimper · 08/04/2014 20:22

I agree with RedHelen that being a carer is no life for a 17 year old.

You need to be out there doing things for you, growing as a person. Your Step Dad needs to be supporting your Mum, not you.

I agree that I would never want to hold my own children back like this.