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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2014 21:07

Fluffed - he doesn't need you. He doesn't. He wants to use you - despite what is best for you and despite what you want - to make his life easier. He does not need you in the way he has made you think he does.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 21:12

Of course I don't resent it, I want to help as much as I can or I'd just feel horrible, I love making my mum feel a little bit better

OP posts:

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 08/04/2014 21:13

Please do not allow your Dad to guilt and manipulate you. Honestly, I speak from experience.

My Mum is wonderful and I love her dearly, but since I was in my teens she has guilted me into being her emotional support. She needs me to call around every day, be available for her, hold her hand through everything. As a result, at 29, I still live in the town I was born in. Have never lived more than 10 minutes from the house I grew up in. I always wanted to travel, live abroad, take a year and see the world. Sure, I've travelled, but just holidays. Commuted to Uni instead of living in the city. Both of my sisters live in the city, and God, I'm envious sometimes! I really do feel resentful and like I've wasted my best years. The status quo is so set in stone now it's never going to change, but I had my time again I'd do so many things differently.

You however, are only starting out. You have to live your life for you. I know how bloody hard it can be to put yourself first. But you deserve the life that you want. Don't end up like me and full of regrets.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 21:14

I would really prefer being close to family, I'm not ready to be independent

OP posts:

Nennypops · 08/04/2014 21:21

Definitely ignore your father. If he wants more money, he can work for it

But are you sure you would qualify for carer's allowance if you look after your mum? I have no idea what the rules are but I'm wondering whether the Benefits people might say it's down to your stepdad?

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 08/04/2014 21:23

Oh you don't need to be just yet, if you're not ready. I wasn't either at your age. But just please don't let him dictate the choices that you make in life. It starts with just 1 choice, when you're young, then the next, and the next and so on, until you end up like me, 29 and knowing that you have allowed a parent to influence almost every choice you have made in your adult life. That sounds dramatic, I know. Had someone told me that when I was a teenager I'd certainly have thought it was. But time passes so quickly and once you get in to a pattern of allowing someone to guilt you in to living your life to please them, it's next to impossible to break out of it.

nkf · 08/04/2014 21:25

Get a job. Get a good job. Get an even better job. Get away from that situation.

NearTheWindymill · 08/04/2014 21:31

If what you are doing for your mum, you would do anyway then claim the carers allowance but make sure that it is time limited and that you do not end up stretching four hours to six and then eight and then ten. Do it for a limited period to avoid your mum becoming dependent and when you have finished college write to the council or whoever and tell you have a proper job and proper arrangements need to be put in place. Save up as much as you can so you can get away and build a good independent life.

Love, my dc are 19 and nearly 16. You shouldn't be split like this and you shouldn't and mustn't ever allow your choices to be limited. I'm 54, probably older than both your parents - make your own choices in life and plough your own furrow. You sound lovely - a dd to be proud of and I'd like to be your mum and to mother you a little.

LisasCat · 08/04/2014 21:35

Let me tell you what my uncle said to me when I was letting guilt sway my thinking about my father's alcoholism. I was running myself ragged trying to fix his life out of a sense of obligation because I was all he had. My uncle said to me "you are the child in this relationship, not him. He is an adult who has made bad choices. Now he has to live with the consequences of those choices. It is not your job to fix him. It is only for you to decide if you still want a relationship with him. If you do, you have the right to set the boundaries of that relationship. Live your own life, making your own decisions. He had that right already and he blew it. It is not down to you to repair things for him."

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/04/2014 21:38

"I'd feel way too guilty to just leave him to it, I'm the only person he has I feel like he really depends on me, it's feels horrid to be someone's only source of happiness which he says I am a lot"

"The guilt would be too much for me too handle to leave him , not when he needs me"

I'm going to be a bit harsh here FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids, and I hope you'll take it in the spirit that it is meant - for your long-term benefit.

As has already been pointed out, your mother left him to escape his emotional and financial abuse. You are detailing that exact same behaviour. If you truly are "the only person he has" - why do you think that is? Because his behaviour has driven everyone else away, perhaps? His selfish behaviour? And frankly, you're not the only person he has, just the one that's easiest to manipulate. You're 17 and frankly rather naive. (That's allowable at your age, but something you should be working on if you want to be an effective police officer.)

Get a fucking grip. (Remember - harsh / spirit.) You are not his only source of happiness, just his source of 'free money'. If he loved you he would not guilt-trip you, would not make you his accomplice in benefit fraud, would not be endangering your access to your preferred career. He doesn't need you, he just finds you convenient. If you allow yourself to be manipulated by him, then frankly you have no place in the police force; you lack the mental resources to do the job. The police most definitely do not need a recruit who could be engineered into being corrupt - a bent copper. Is that who you want to be? (Remember - harsh / spirit.)

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 21:45

If you cannot do something that could hurt someone then you cannot be a police officer, it is as simple as that. You would be dealing with difficult people, upset people, unreasonable people... and if you lack the maturity to understand and accept that sometimes people are hurt and that is unfortunate but it is inevitable then you lack the maturity to do the job.
you also cannot claim to uphold the law while being part of (through your inaction) breaking it.

you are only 17. Your are very young. But you have to begin to mature and to develop your ability to assess situations and make good choices.

PlumProf · 08/04/2014 22:15

destructorgirl you said that you stopped claiming child benefit for the OP when the rules changed. Does that mean you or a new partner earn over £50,000? What did you mean by this?

I agree with a poster above recommending that the OP posts again on a carers' forum. Caring for your mother is not a "job". It is something for which you can claim an allowance but it does not hold a future or a dream. 17 year olds should be aiming at that.

Fluffed of course you are not yet independent and want to be at home. You are still a child. I don't suppose for a moment that your dm would kick you out or love you less if you told her that you couldn't take on the burden of looking after her as you want to pursue your own life and ambitions. I hope she will reassure you that if you made this choice you would not be "pissing her off"

Please consider all options before tying yourself down. If you do the caring anyway, and have no choice, then obv you should claim the allowance.

You sound truly lovely and I am sorry that you are caught in this dilemma. I hope that both of your parents have a good hard look at themselves and consider what is best for YOU in the medium and long term.

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 22:24

Thank you all so very much, you have all been very kind and helpful. I know I'm being silly in saying I don't like hurting people but that mostly applies to people I care about, I really hate law breakers and I hate that my dad does it, he promises he won't if I do become a police officer, I don't want to be a bent copper, I want to make a difference and help people.
I'm going to take everything on board and try to make a decision, to all of you xx

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 08/04/2014 22:30

Good for you OP. I wish you all the luck in the world. Please don't let your father drag you down.

43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 22:32

Hi fluffed, your dad is being manipulative. He is guilt tripping you to get money. Did he pay maintenance to your mum for you?

If you care for your mum already you should apply for carers allowance.

It sounds like he was abusive to your mum and he is now manipulating you. His priority is his needs, not yours. Read the book 'why does he do that', I know he is your dad not your oh but you may recognise some of the behaviour. And it may help you to avoid dodgy boyfriends in the future.

Good luck being a police officer and with college.

AnnieMaybe · 08/04/2014 22:41

Fluffed does your mum claim DLA?

You won't qualify for carers allowance unless she does.

Also you can not claim carers allowance whilst you are at college (speaking from experience my son who is slightly older than you is my carer)

As a carer you can earn up to £100 in employment and still qualify for carers allowance.

Does your mum need you 35 hours a week? That is the minimum amount of hours you need to care for her for to qualify.

I understand you have a Stepdad who is earning a good wage, does he help out with your Mum?

The person who should be reporting your Dad is your Mum. She is an adult who knows he is committing fraud and leaving you in an awkward position.

Both of your parents are failing you at the moment imo.

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2014 22:43

Shadowscollide - you sound like you're 80 from your post! 29 is still really really young with lots of time to fulfill your dreams. Do them!

BerylStreep · 08/04/2014 22:56

Fluffed, I have pmed you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/04/2014 23:02

Op's mum

Report your ex husband you know he is doing this why place your daughter in that position.

Then your daughter can make a decision as to what she wishes to do without the guilt because of her dads actions.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 08/04/2014 23:12

Ha, Chased, I do often feel about 80, especially lately. Unfortunately my situation has become complicated - DP's work is very much here, if we moved he'd have to start building his reputation and contacts from scratch. I'm helping care for my elderly Grandparents at the moment, too. Plus, it suits everyone that I'm my Mum's crutch, and my sisters would be furious if I upset things, who are very happy with the current setup. They sound like excuses, but are a perfect illustration of why the OP should learn from my mistakes. It's so easy to get 'stuck' and trapped in a cycle of FOG (that's fear, obligation, guilt, OP).

I am returning to education soon, and DP and I are planning on moving a bit further away, plus his and my health problems mean that I'm going to have to learn to put us first. It's very difficult though, and OP, that's why I beg you not to let yourself end up going down the road that I have.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/04/2014 23:25

" I really hate law breakers and I hate that my dad does it, he promises he won't if I do become a police officer"
No, he won't stop. He really won't. He'll just ratchet up the guilt trip about how much he neeeeeds to do it. You need to stop believing anything he says and start protecting yourself.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 08/04/2014 23:41

Agree completely with WhereYouLeftIt, OP. He won't stop. The current setup suits him, and as long as he can guilt you in to going along with it, he has absolutely no incentive to change it. I understand that that's hard to hear. When I was younger I couldn't see that my parents were flawed, and wouldn't have appreciated anyone pointing those flaws out to me. I really don't want to sound patronising, but take it from someone older who has been there, he is never going to change things. It will have to come from you. And to get the life you want, you're going to have to change things.

AnnieMaybe · 09/04/2014 01:07

I see how she is too nice to stand up to her dad and I hope there isn't an element of her doing that with me. She says she wants to help me out, and has the time at the moment and doesn't seem to resent it.

you should be standing up to her Dad not leaving her to it

You have a husband, you are a parental postion....stop using your child and start supporting her.

First off , report your ex/her Dad

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 08:34

I suppose if mum did it the. I wouldn't feel as guilty but I'll try and ask him to stop first
Thanks again for all your post

OP posts:

Original poster

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 08:35

I am 17 and I went to sleep at half ten, how do you all stay up so late

OP posts:

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