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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my dad being UR to not want to give me this money?

173 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 08/04/2014 18:50

My dad is giving me a mega guilt trip :(
I am 17, and have the opportunity to be earning my own money. My dad is furious and doesn't want me to do it. If I get my own money he gets less benefits and he keeps saying he will be really broke and can't manage etc.

He wants to compromise by giving me £50 a week instead ( a bit less than what I would get) and from now on I'll have to buy my own food etc. for when I'm at his house.

I'm not sure what to do, my dad is saying I'm being really selfish and making him broke, my mum says he is being selfish and I should be allowed to have my own money.

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/04/2014 09:19

If you want to be a police officer you need to stop being so easily manipulated by people who are acting in a criminal way. Your father is making a fraudulent benefits claim, and if you collude with that then it could have repercussions for you. I would warn him that he has to stop claiming for you because you will be making the carers claim and his benefit fraud will be discovered.

Ignore the FB comments.

And ignore the guilt trips. You may be all he has ( ever wondered why? ) but he really does not have any concern for your wellbeing. He is only interested in what he can get out of you. You wouldn't change your life plans for any other abusive conman so don't risk your future happiness and career to cover for him.

destructogirl · 09/04/2014 09:22

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.

I would prefer that she doesn't accept the £50 he's offering her, as it comes with guilt and obligations and he'd make her feel awful for it.

We very likely won't claim carers for her now, it'd cause too much upset, we were never completely sure if she was eligible, the DLA/PIP assessor had suggested it as a possible option. I thought ooh nice idea, a bit of money for DD and her dad blew his top.

As for reporting him. I think that would cause a lot of hurt and upset to DD. He'd know it was me as well.

I think if I get my PIP, then I can just directly pay DD money as and when she does stuff to help me out. Then no-one is hurt, DD isn't tied down, everyone wins.

Do people really think I'm bad for not reporting him though? It's something I have angsted over.

HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 09:33

Honestly? I don't think you are a bad person at all (quite the opposite) but I do think it is the wrong choice. I can understand why you haven't though, because it would bring a great deal of shit into your life which based on your posts you could well do without. However, read back for the knock on effect on your daughter. This is really affecting her. She's taken all the responsibility of all this onto herself when it really shouldn't be on her. Her dad is using her to fraudulently claim benefits and she has to be concerned as to whether that could affect her directly when she turns 18. He's attempting to make her feel responsible for both his happiness and his finances. That's actually an abuse of her!

That said, he's her dad and she obviously (going by her posts) loves him and I can understand why reporting him frightens her because he may take it out on her. If she fears the withdrawal of his love, then he has her exactly where he wants her - doesn't he? The sad thing is that if he loved and valued her half as much as she clearly does him - he'd never have put her, or you, in this position in the first place.

If you really feel that you cannot report him because you are too fearful of the repercussions then the very least you need to do is to make sure you know what is going to happen when she turns 18. The end of his ability to fraudulently claim for her is coming. What will happen then?

you have to protect her. You have to know what is likely to happen, what he is likely to do and plan for it. If she turns 18 and he involves her in any way in any sort of benefit fraud she can kiss goodbye to any hope of a career in the police. You must ensure that doesn't happen.

BerylStreep · 09/04/2014 09:37

I do think you should report him. Otherwise you are complicit in his fraud, and you should be setting an example to your DD. Instead you are making her feel like a pawn in his financial abuse.

Financial cheats, whether it is benefits or tax evasion really piss me off. Our country is on its knees economy wise, I pay a small fortune in taxes, and I would like to see that money going to where it is really needed, not to those who feel the rules don't apply to them.

You should be telling your ex that you will notifying the benefits people that your DD is living with you, and that he has a week to take the opportunity to tell them himself. This is really wrong that you are putting your DD in this position. Sorry to sound harsh.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 10:12

I hopefully will have a job by the time I'm 18 so he would have to stop claiming then.

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 10:15

and what if he says you can't get a job because it will affect him and demands that you claim benefits or he claims them as you?

If he is willing to commit fraud now and willing to bully you into doing nothing that will change that - what makes you believe that everything will suddenly be ok and accepted and he will do the right thing when you turn 18?

I am not having a go at you. It is quite clear you are the victim here! But you really need to think logically about all this. What has happened, what is happening and from that what is likely to happen - not what you would hope or wish would happen.

Lottiedoubtie · 09/04/2014 10:26

He won't change. He won't suddenly turn into a non-manipulative person when you are 18.

The FB posts are outrageous on their own- who uses FB to get at their 17 year old?

OP you, (or your mum if you're really not strong enough) need to call the benefits people and just explain 'in case of confusion' where you really live etc.. You don't have to tell them he is definitely claiming for you, just that you wouldn't want anyone to think you you thought it was ok for him to do so...

Bornin1984 · 09/04/2014 10:29

Give me his name and ill report the fucker!! Also if this was
My dad and I was fully aware of his shit and what he did to my mum I would go no contact! He's a twat of the hugest order!

He doesn't deserve a daughter like u and he certainly
Doesn't deserve the money! He does deserve to get what he gets, it's called
Karma!!!

HarlotOTara · 09/04/2014 10:36

Fluffed are you at school or college? If so you can't claim Carer's Allowance - I was looking into it for a young person I work with.

TheFuzz · 09/04/2014 10:41

Got to love benefit scroungers !! FFS

Sallyingforth · 09/04/2014 10:53

Fluffed he is no good for you. He will drag you down if you don't put a stop to his manipulation.
This benefits scam could get you a record that ruins your life. Please understand this and follow the excellent advice you have been given above.

Inertia · 09/04/2014 10:59

Destructo even if you cannot claim CB payments (presumably due to higher rate taxpayer rules) then you should still maintain your eligibility claim in order to maintain your NI record.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 11:23

The times I do at college would mean I still can do the amount of time for carers allowance

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 11:25

I'd feel too horrible going no contact, I don't know what it would do to him Sad

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 09/04/2014 11:33

That's what he is using against you - emotional blackmail.

Lottiedoubtie · 09/04/2014 11:34

It wouldn't 'do' anything to him.

He's manipulated you into believing he 'needs' you. He doesn't, he 'likes' the extra benefit he is fraudulently claiming.

It doesn't sound like you see him every day, or even every week? He has a life away from you and he copes just fine with everything.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 11:38

He is always sending texts saying he misses me and misses the fact I'm not a little girl anymore and that I don't need him, I see him for a weekend round about every two weeks or so.
But if I leave it for a while he asks why I haven't been round

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 09/04/2014 11:41

So when you do see him does he ensure that he spends some of the money he is getting for you to buy you any clothes or books for college etc?

Sallyingforth · 09/04/2014 11:45

Of course he texts you. He's keeping you on the hook.

Fluffed you are obviously a very caring person, and that's good.

But your dad is an uncaring, selfish, greedy, benefit fraud. You must break away from him if you want to have a good start in life. This isn't something that you can compromise with I'm afraid.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 11:46

ATM he pays for my phone contract £7 a month and pays for my train fair back home

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 11:46

Yeah he does sometimes buys me clothes

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 09/04/2014 11:53

... with money from his benefit fraud.

Lottiedoubtie · 09/04/2014 11:55

He's always sending manipulative texts by the sounds of it.

Does he ever text asking how you are? Does he ask questions about college? Help with assignments? Does he show an interest in your interests? Does he show interest in your friends/life away from him?

Or, on reflection are most of his texts about him. How much he misses you/needs you etc?

A good parents will be interested in you and interested in facilitating your independence.

I know you probably won't believe me because he's your dad, and I'm a stranger but I'm not wrong. Please think about it.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 09/04/2014 12:10

I do agree that he is trying to make me feel bad Sad

OP posts:
CockD0dger · 09/04/2014 12:13

I agree with Annie. This is up to the adults to sort out. It is definitely not OP's responsibility. She also doesn't want this responsibility.

OP's mum is complicit in the benefit fraud and is also lying to the authorities to keep her ex partner sweet. IMO, she needs to set an example and stop pandering to him. Especially when what they are both doing is illegal.

OP, stay out of it.

OP's mum, take responsibility for your daughter and for your own actions.
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