To be stunned at how deluded some parents are.

[Moonfacesmother]

Ds is in reception and occasionally I speak to one of the mothers of a little boy in the other reception class. She's very nice but since September I've had chapter and verse about how her ds is reading chapter books and writing at the level of an 8 year old but the school are useless and have been keeping him on really easy books, not sending him with the group of children who do phonics with year 1 etc.

I must admit I was confused by this as couldnt understand why if he was as far ahead as she said the school hasn't recognised this. Anyway I listened, sympathised and suggested things that she could maybe do (mainly speak to the teacher or head teacher).

Last week I went on a trip with ds's school and this little boy was there. Whilst there the children were given a few tasks and a couple of them included doing some drawing and a bit of writing if they were able. This little boy is mark making, he wasn't able to write his name etc. this is fine, it's reception - my ds isn't much different I was just a bit taken aback. I suppose I expected him to be writing War and Peace. I feel a bit sorry for him and also for playground mum. And also for the teachers as I know the mum has been in numerous times about the fact she doesn't feel the school have him at the right level.

I must remember in future to take what people say with a pinch of salt.

We were at the creche at a holiday village last year, dropping off the then year old twins. Nappy Valley Mum is there with 'Leonora', who is maybe 18 months. She looks at my two, sniffs, and turns to the Creche Manager.

'I'm not sure this will be advanced enough for Leonora. She's used to being pushed. Will you be doing any classes? Also, she's learning German. Can any staff help her practise her German?'

I was trying so hard not to be judgey. The Mum obviously had ishoos. But for eff's sake. Leonora was on holiday too!!! The sessions were only two hours! How much effing Teutonics could she cram in?

It gave me great pleasure to turn round and see the Wunderkid grinning and playing with a toy telephone with mine .

The best policy is just to smile, nod and make no comment.

I think other people and professionals don't help either. Virtually everyone we have met in a professional capacity about DS has said something along the lines of he's very clever. Really NOT a stealth boast. These were things like HV and Drs saying it when he still wouldn't latch properly at 6wks old. He kept getting distracted by any noise and they would say to me, while i was crying/frazzled/at end of my tether with frustration 'oh it's because he's so intelligent' . I know they were doing it to make me feel better, but had i been a bit more PFB, i may have gone on to friends about it and they would have thought me a loon.

Some of the others in the NCT group i was in took those comments really to heart tho.

And just because you do things early doesn't mean you are some genius, others usually just catch up. When i was young i walked, was potty trained and read early. Got used to the praise. Went to school and just sat back till others caught up. They did of course, but by then i was lazy and it took far too long for me to realise you had to actually work (when i was about 30yo). I didn't do great and let most opportunities pass me by because i expected my natural ability to carry me thru - so not particularly intelligent! DH on the other hand was always told he was behind and stupid (he's Dyslexic :( ) so learned to work really hard. He has done brilliantly academically.

Not saying i will tell DS he's thick or anything extreme, but i do think false praise could be damaging if it's not balanced with realistic expectations.

Average ds here! But he's come on in leaps and bounds in the past 6 months since he's grown in confidence, so I'm over the moon with his achievements, couldn't give a fuck what other kids are doing!

I must give that off as I don't get the boasty conversations others seem to

I must be a relief to my dc teacher then:)

At the recent parents evening I was far more interested in how they were settling in, behaviour and managing being at school. They are under 7 so that is more important to me- that ds can concentrate and not mess about in class when others are, and dd copes with structure of school.

They are enjoying being there and learning along the way. Perhaos I should have a working knowledge of all the levels etc but surely that's the teachers job? I can't do her job as well as mine.

As I hated school I am always amazed they seem to love the place and teachers. And they like learning and feel confident to keep doing so, which I think is ok for now.

Although I did smile at seeing a parent going through a 5 year olds workbook and making notes to ask the teacher. Apparently little x is gifted at maths and needs direction to succeed. Dad is a CFO, and clearly was treating the whole thing as a performance appraisal in a large international corporate with a view to promotion:)

Very familiar with this sitch.

I have done some volunteer days at DS school and been underwhelmed by the "super" kids who are supposedly the top kids.
I have also had one parent latch on to the notion that he must compete against my DS and uses him as a yardstick . I am constantly met with "what is your DS reading now?". I have recently been telling him that ds is reading the complete works of Shakepeare. :p

Oddly enough, I have one of those weird kids who does average stuff in class and then tests extremely well.

I don't know better than the teachers, they have been to UNI got a degree and have years experience in teaching.

I support the teachers, so if they know what DC are capable of working at and what plans to get them to the next level.

When I have battled to get them to get homework done, the teachers have explained the methods they use in school.

Why any parent thinks a teacher would hold back a child confuses me.

Honestly if you have a severely disabled child then you become more than delighted with average siblings.

Having had children happy in schools & children unhappy I am far more interested in how happy they are. Everything else is secondary.

All of my DDs (now 19, 15 and 12) are average.

For that reason I am more proud that they have done well through hard work and determination than any "giftedness"

DD19 was an "early reader", ie she was identified at school nursery as ready to read and was put in a small group in the summer term before reception to do some phonics work. She does however have a Sept birthday so one of the oldest in the year, so I think this was normal development rather than being exceptionally bright. She is now at Uni, but had to work bloody hard to get there. She is doing History, at uni, but always struggled a bit with maths and science.

DD2 had speech delay and for a while we thought she was on the autistic spectrum as she struggled so much socially (still does to some extent) . Not an early reader at all.
Sitting GCSEs next term, predicted As and Bs, and out of my three, probably my most able DD, academically. You would never have put money on that if you'd seen her at age 2-6.

DD3, (Y7) in set 3 out of 5 for Maths, English and science. But happy at school and well-liked (i think!)

My own mum was a bit like this.

I was good at reading. The dinner ladies used to come in the class to listen to children read. One exclaimed to me 'oh well done Harder, top of the class!!' i told my mum this. Cue telling everybody that i was top of the class, so bright etc.

I'm 27 now and she'll say to people 'oh our Harder was very bright as a child, always top of the class, God knows what happened as she's thick as 2 short planks now'

I was one of those early-peaking kids. Was reading way above my age level, had excellent general knowledge, top marks in everything. My parents, bless them, sent me to a very large, fancy, academic secondary school, which they hoped would nurture my intelligence This was on the advice of the Headmaster of my primary school, who said things like 'I predict Cabbages will go on to do great things'.

Well.....I got the grades, and I got the degree from the Russell Group university, but it was a 2.2, not the First that I was predicted/capable of. The reason? I basically had a nervous breakdown half way through, as a result from the terrible anxiety I have suffered from since I was a teen. I hated secondary school. I was lost, anxious, unpopular. I was a perfectionist and I found it hard to make friends, and I ended up so miserable that I lost interest in my work- luckily because I was smart, I managed to 'wing it' on minimum revision. I got into a horrible relationship which nearly broke me.

And now? I'm a SAHM in my twenties, I've done some low level jobs, and mentally I don't think I can cope with much more. My dream job at the minute would be 'tour guide at the local museum'. I still suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, and frankly, I'm never going to bring home any prizes.

Funnily enough, a lot of the girls I knew at secondary school, even those who have done well for themselves, suffer terribly from depression/anxiety/eating disorders

My own DD is similar to what I was at her age- an intelligent, sensitive child. She is top of her class, but I don't push her. I have sent her to a small, nurturing school and I intend to send her to the secondary equivalent in due course.

She is only 6. I'm glad she doesn't struggle academically at school, but I know there are years in which it could all go horribly wrong. I think being polite, well behaved, a good friend, being socially able, and just generally being a happy, content child, is something she needs to learn first, before we talk about her future as an astrophysicist.

OP YANBU

Although we had it the other way round. My DD came home upset from a friend's house because friend's mum had asked her what reading book she was on. So DD told her. And friend's mum accused her of making it up.

She wasn't.

I find myself doing my DD a disservice because I always try and find someway of, not exactly putting her down, but giving each achievement a caveat because I worry people will be horrid to her if they know just how clever she is.

Basically I would rather my DD was a nice, average, well liked child, than some baby genuis.

I also don't get how some parents think they know better than the teachers. One of my friends has been a SAHM for ten years, before that she worked in a bakery. Hasn't a GCSE to her name. She is constantly up at the school at the minute, because her lovely but average 9 year old isn't 'being pushed' in Maths, and she thinks the way the school teaches Maths is wrong

Fiscal there is a big difference between talking about it on MN than in RL.

It often happens with children who are very able early on. They slow down and everyone else just catches up.
didn't happen with mine. she's still light years ahead of the rest

See DH was/ is extremely bright. Always has been - but it makes him really frustrated that he isn't now ruling the world so to speak.

I was anxious recently regarding grammar exams and my decision not to enter DC for them. On speaking to another mum about all the genuis children she remarked - if kids are getting their GCSE's at 10 and Phd at 15 what are their children supposed to do at 30?

I feel much better about my distinctly average children and am extremely happy when I see work that they are proud of because of effort they've put in, rather than how it ranks them in the class.

At age 6 my DD2 was benchmarked at school and was off the scale 14+ for reading, yes she is a fantastic reader she's won awards BUT she was only 6 and maybe had the comprehension of an 8 yo yes could read a book but the comprehension wasn't there. She was kept on class books so she could join in the work and discussion.

DD3 is also showing signs of bring a gifted reader and writer but I'm not pushing her she's reading everything in sight herself but I'm happy for her just to carry on as she is, she's only 5.

ha, ha, I knew a woman who reckoned her two year old could fully dress and undress himself and he knew the entire alphabet.

I was treated like a liar when it came up at a reception party that not only my second DS in reception but also his younger 2 year old sister got themselves dressed. Apparently many of the 4 and 5 year olds were still being dressed by their parents every morning - which was a shock to me.

Getting dressed is a skill the DC have wanted to do themselves and I've encouraged as I had 3 DC close together in age and kind of thought of it as a normal skill starting as soon a the DC show interest.

MIL Still tries to dressed them when they stay with her - mind you both GM are horrified I let eldest do breakfast including microwave cooking and walk home by herself from school because she wants to and we judge it safe. Some of the other parents are horrified too - some seem to believe they be talking their secondary age DC to and from school.

The younger ones knew jolly phonic songs as we played them a lot for eldest - same as youngest knows time stable songs.

I think child development varies wildly between each DC as well as which areas one DC excels at or are delayed or average in, age in months even at school age matters, expectations upon the DC, DC personality, the support they have to gain certain skills from home all play a role in what young DC can achieve.

I don't believe the teachers hold the DC back by there has been a lag before they've picked up stuff - last parent/teacher conference teacher was talking about DD1 learning her time tables - having done maths factor and Percy parker songs relentlessly I expressed surprised. teacher then put DD1 on spot to demonstrate to me and was surprised DD1 knew them all.

Having said that - I know a lot of parents who do appear very deluded about the DC seem to have no confidence in the school or teachers evaluations and yet don't move their DC. IME best avoided and depending on their DC personality possible try and avoid them as well - as some DC do copy the parental attitude.

I always laugh when we get the class bear home from school and look through the book. DS2 is in reception. They're supposed to draw a picture and write something in the book about what they did.

A couple of the parents very clearly dictate 10+ sentences (letter by letter) and make their children write it down. Stuff about visiting science centres and enjoying 'delicious spaghetti bolognaise'. I'm not sure whether they're trying to impress the other parents or whether they're just unable to actually celebrate their children's own achievements. I actually think it's a bit sad because the message their children are getting is that what they can actually do isn't good enough because mummy can do better.

The same parents do complex art projects for their children.

The children in question can write better than DS2 (they write their letters the right way round, for example) but they aren't writing like 13 year olds. The work they do in school (and displayed on the wall) suggests that they're pretty good at phonetically plausible spelling for children in reception. I'm not sure why the parents aren't just satisfied with their children's own achievements.

I'm also never convinced by supposed early genius. I was in the remedial reading group at school until p5 (when I scored off the scale on a standardised reading/comprehension and the school realised that I could read, just not aloud). I went on to get straight As in my highers and come top of my class at university (then got a PhD). But, if you'd been standing in the playground with my mum when I was 6, you'd have thought of me as a spectacularly thick kids. You just can't tell at 4.

At age 6 my DD2 was benchmarked at school and was off the scale 14+ for reading, yes she is a fantastic reader she's won awards BUT she was only 6 and maybe had the comprehension of an 8 yo yes could read a book but the comprehension wasn't there. She was kept on class books so she could join in the work and discussion

We find similar. She is also emotionally a 7 year old. It is so, so difficult to find appropriate content with enough of a challenge

^Calamitously, quite right that the bear or whatever diary (in our case, mouse) is a rare snapshot of parental neurosis.

I was also one of those capable children, I was given different work from the rest of the class in most lessons throughout middle school, top sets and extension work for the first year of high school.
I was ahead but I also had limits, I had just reached them a few years earlier than everyone else, I am not an adult genius and most concepts to do with maths and science escape me.

I can't tell you how awful it was when it was assumed I wasn't trying/couldn't be bothered when I started to struggle to maintain the levels expected of me.
I gave up, have no A levels and can only dream of uni.

Beware of expectations no matter how justified at the time.

Don't you feel a bit sorry for ppl that do this? I've got a good friend who nauseates me with tales of her dc's genius, and it's always worst when she's stressed or worried about him. Unless someone really is out to boast or prove their son is the best, I think it's best to pretend to look impressed just to be kind, even though in reality I could care less. Op, checking up on that boy was a bit mean, ime...

Oh also, I did read Shakespeare at 9 in my pretentious prep school, and did Latin and French. I'm a normal adult with a reasonable job, not a rocket scientist :) people are entitled to be proud of their kids, I think.