Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 05/04/2014 23:37

Yanbu, your dd is just not anyone, she's Their niece Shock I would think that take precedence over friends kids!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2014 23:38

Thats what I was thinking Coffee, your DD isnt just any child, shes family.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 05/04/2014 23:38

Hmm I think she should probably make an exception based on the fact it's her niece, but then again I would never have a child free wedding so it's hard for me to get my head round it anyway. It's a shame but I suppose you will have to miss the wedding. Her day and everything but I do think it's a bit mean.

Beamur · 05/04/2014 23:39

YANBU. Stupid decision on their part. Presumably they don't have kids yet?

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 23:40

YANBU to be upset

I'm always of the mind that if the Bride and Groom don't want kids there, that's fair enough.

But to exclude nieces or nephews (unless there's a whole tribe of them) is a bit off.

PerhapsNot · 05/04/2014 23:42

That's awful! YANBU Sad

BethCalavicci · 05/04/2014 23:44

YABU. It's their decision whether to have a child free wedding or not, regardless of siblings/nieces/whatever.
Weddings don't automatically mean all kids, regardless of what some might want. Weddings can be just a witness and the bride and groom and that's it if that's what they want. Not the whole family and the extended children.

MissBattleaxe · 05/04/2014 23:48

YANBU. A lot of couples have children of family at their wedding and have to say no to children of friends. It's quite acceptable and most people understand.

I think because of the distance and the fact that your DD is their niece, then they should be a bit more accommodating. It IS their wedding however and they can do what they like. However, I think they are wrong to exclude your DD and should make an allowance.

Original poster
argyll · 05/04/2014 23:51

they dont have kids, but a lot of their friends do, and dd is the only niece/nephew. It is a big wedding with all the extended family just no kids. I had never come across the idea of a child-free wedding before, which is why Im asking.

OP posts:
MrsSpencerReid · 05/04/2014 23:53

My son was uninvited to his aunts wedding, childcare options were limited as all family were at the wedding, we said something along the lines of "if you don't want children their that's totally fine, however, it means I won't be able to go either" dp would still have gone, his sister, (much nicer than what I was really thinking) in the end she changed her mind and he came. Fair enough if people want a child free wedding but surely they have to appreciate the associated parents may not be able to come either!! YANBU to be upset, I was, more about the fact he was uninvited. If he hadn't been invited from the start my parents could have possibly helped out but by the time he was uninvited they had made plans for the day!! Weddings are so complicated! Hope you manage to sort something. Some Wine might help Grin

EverythingCounts · 05/04/2014 23:54

Foolish all round. They will alienate their friends this way too and with more kids there they would entertain one another. I get that catering costs money but there are ways round that. Is it a very fancy do at a posh venue?

Beamur · 05/04/2014 23:55

Fair enough to have a child free wedding (although I wouldn't) but it does arise from people who have little idea of how that might affect their guests ability to attend!
I was invited to a wedding last year, but declined as DD wasn't invited and I too would have no-one I could leave her with (or would want to leave her) for 2/3 nights away.
I would be honest with them, point out that whilst you understand their position, you and DH can't actually both attend without your DD, so either only DH can come or neither of you. If that offends them, then tough frankly.

Slackgardener · 05/04/2014 23:55

Yanbu to be upset but yabu to insist the bride and groom have a day to suit you rather than them. 15 years on my wedding still annoys my dsis and as much as I care and love her, she had no right to assert her wishes on my day and I have no regrets that I did not tailor my day around her, I'm still surprised she ever thought I should.

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/04/2014 23:57

My BIL and his wife took the same approach with our DD who was also the only family child and this the only family member not invited.
We accepted their decision but, if I am honest, I respect them a little less than I used to. But that obviously doesn't bother them.

BirdieWhirlie · 05/04/2014 23:57

Just explain the situation to them. You have no one to leave her with, so if she's not invited, you sadly must decline and DH can attend without you.

They ABVU, but their choice is to leave DD, and thus you, out of their wedding. Not a great way to treat their family relationships, not very caring and not very smart. But up to them.

Plan a lovely weekend for yourself and DD, and count your blessings that they live so far away and you won't have to deal with the pair of them very often!

WooWooOwl · 05/04/2014 23:57

YANBU to be dissapointed, and I will never understand why people would want their wedding to cause any kind of difficulty or upset for people.

But if they want a child free wedding, it's up to them. I don't think family makes any difference tbh, they may well have friends that they are just as close to who have children, and I can understand that it's almost impossible to invite some children and not others without causing offence somewhere.

thebody · 06/04/2014 00:00

They can have the wedding they want but you are just as able to refuse to go.

Personally I wouldn't go if the alternative is so much hassle.

What does your dds grandmother think of her sons behaviour to his neice.

Wierd.

MusicalEndorphins · 06/04/2014 00:10

I am fine with child free weddings. What really insults me is arriving child free, to see other children there.

You have a choice, make babysitting arrangements, if you can't for whatever reasons, then do not go.

aermingers · 06/04/2014 00:21

-----------------------------------------------------

moralimbecile · 06/04/2014 00:26

How about you take dd, and arrange a childminder to look after her at the hotel, take her out, while you are at the wedding? Win win situation?

wheresthelight · 06/04/2014 00:28

I think the issue is the fact they originally said it would be ok and have since changed their minds if I am reading the op correctly. Yanbu to be upset by the sudden change and I think your compromise is a very gracious one.

However it is their day and they are entitled to spend it as they wish.

Supercosy · 06/04/2014 00:38

Same here Musical. We had that a couple of years ago, plenty of kids on the groom's side of the family but none at all invited on the brides.

MusicalEndorphins · 06/04/2014 00:42

argyll I have an idea. We went far away to a child free wedding, with an 8 year old. The bride's friends had children and had arranged babysitters, and our son stayed with one of them with their children, while we were at the wedding. Could you ask the bride and groom about making similar arrangements for your child?

LettertoHermioneGranger · 06/04/2014 00:50

I don't think they are being unreasonable to be firm about a child-free wedding. 18 mos is an unpredictable age, and they might be really bothered by toddler noise in the middle of the ceremony.

It wasn't right for them to change their mind and go back on what they said initially.

But I think the obvious solution here is to make arrangements for childcare at the hotel or locally. It would be nice for B&G to help arrange this, ask around. A local guest might be leaving their child with a trusted babysitter for the wedding who would be willing to take another on.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 00:50

Family wedding would go, if DC are not family I am not.

Friends wedding I would arrange childcare.

Swipe left for the next trending thread