dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

[argyll]

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

Sod em, don't go, you live 500 bloody miles away! And if any other nearer relatives are kicking off about it they should be ashamed to. I would be on your side totally (sadly we are not related ; ) But then I think weddings are an utterly boring long day without children there. I didn't have my children to fob them off with others, when our children arent invited we just dont go, no loss.. at our wedding we had around 20 kids and we did nothing but smile all day, for us it was all about our vowels, and I believe there was some busy toddlers pottering around at the time as we took them, we were oblivious, reminiscing now..... They are all the same these poxy weddings, dress, flowers, venue, food!! And they all say "oh what a lovely day" "the best one ever" it cracks me up, they are all bollox! You won't be missing anything! Save the money and go away for the weekend.

Personally i think if we were invited to a wedding now DS is 19mo we/one of us would decline, even if he was invited too (unless M&D weren't invited and could look after him). It would be a miserable day for everyone. He'd want to run about and shout and wouldn't sit still for the meal etc. (it's also why we avoid eating out atm). People say they will help out, but ime they get there and want to chat, dance and drink (all completely fine of course) and will have a 5 min play and that's it - so even if they offer to help out, i'd be a bit about it. And once you're there you're fucked, and are just left trying to entertain an unruly toddler in the hallway outside the loos for hours while the speeches are going on. he'd insist on running about peoples legs and get trodden on. It just makes me shudder thinking about it.

Even at my own wedding when DS was 3mo my mum got a bit pissed off holding him - no one else offered to help. Which is why we had a budget reception. We weren't going to spend ££££s on a party we couldn't even enjoy.

I'm with MrsK - spending hours reading the same small selection of children's books, playing "spot the hat" and "eye spy" and playing with the same small handful of plastic dinosaurs... Fuck That.

Tulips on the one hand you say that your own wedding was all about your vows. In the same breath you say that all weddings are the same and are similarly tedious. So by the same token, for your guests witnessing those important vows, there was nothing special about them and they couldn't have cared less if it was you up there or their cousin Mildred's second best school friend? I have been to many similar weddings but each stands out in my memory as the day when those specific friends made their commitment to each other. I enjoyed the days because I cared about them.

Nkf there is a significant difference between guests who are not "thrilled to the core" and ones who hate every minute and bitch about it afterwards, and you know it.

"Why would anyone want to bring a toddler into a long church service?"

Wedding services aren't very long. they are much shorter than a normal C of E communion service.

Having a toddler at a wedding is hard work and not relaxing at all. The last wedding we went to DS was about 16 months and we spent the whole time taking it in turns to run around after him as he won't sit still for five minutes. Even now aged two his favourite past time is 'running'.

It meant we could only chat to friends separately or we spent the time trying to feed him to stay quiet!

I think the next wedding we will organise grandparents to babysit for the weekend. He'll have a fab time with Grandam and Grandad and we'll get to spend some time together (although by then DC.2 will be here so actually that's not quite true..).

I don't bitch in real life. In real life, I tell the bride and groom that their wedding was the best I've ever been to. That's what everyone says. This is just anonymous grumbling.

I've known people have child-free weddings specifically to exclude family children, where the parent(s) are incapable of controlling their bloody annoying "exuberant" offspring. Same children have disrupted a family christening and a family funeral - the parents didn't seem to care, and chose not to remove them.

I refused pointblank to invite certain family members to our wedding. They were appalling people, and there was absolutely no way I was going to have them sitting smirking at us while enjoying our hospitality, all the while knowing that they were causing my family immense grief and problems in other areas.

The only wedding related disruption that has caused any real grief in my experience has all come from drunk adults. If I was to choose to ban anyone from a future hypothetical wedding it would be people who drink far too much and behave very badly. I suspect it's much harder to remove drunk and leery people than screaming toddlers.

nkf -quite! You accept invitations for events you know you'll hate and then you lie to your hosts. Much more honest just to say "thanks, I wish you all the best but weddings aren't really my thing" and let them spend their money on someone who actually will appreciate it.

Generally I assume when invited to a wedding that the bride and groom (or bride's parents if traditional) want me to be there to celebrate their marriage with them. I don't think 'will this be a good party' because that's really not the point. Perhaps some people really think it's all about the party, and that's why the angst about whether a child might possibly run around or make a noise. I think far too many people spend money they really can't afford, and I really really hope they don't do it just to gratify their (potentially ungrateful/uninterested).

We (dh and our children too) have been invited to a wedding this autumn. I have not even considered the merits of the party, just been very pleased that they are getting married, chuffed to be included among the list of friends they want to celebrate with and thinking of any way we might be able to help. There will be at least one small person there as they have a son who will be fourish, and I am sure his usual charming self. Venue, food etc slightly immaterial.

nooka - i've been reading this thread thinking the same thing. For me a wedding isn't a chance for a good piss up/knees up/party/let your hair down/run wild/''get away from the kids'' type of event.

So odd people alluding to how they imagine how grateful their guests are to hear it's child free wedding

I don't feel grateful to hear i've been invited to an event excluding my kids. Why on earth would i? It's not like a wedding is the only time you're allowed out once you're a parent! If and when i want to go on the lash and party with (or without) DH i am actually quite capable of organising that for myself thanks. And it'll be at a time and place of my choosing and not in front of aunt doris

Most weddings are frankly awful occasions. Terrible food. Chilly stately home type hotels, rip off drinks, DJs. Oh, God, the disco in the evening. Seating arrangements etc. It's all dreadful. Why would any self respecting toddler want to attend?

Couldn't agree more, and why would any self respecting adult want to attend? Most weddings are pretty dire - they are all so 'samey' and total waste of money, yet everyone thinks their wedding is so original . I have got to the age now where I just politely refuse, unless close family, most of my friends seem to be on the second or third wedding now and I just can't sit though the same 'vows' etc when you've seen it all before. One of my DH's friends asked him to be best man twice at successive weddings and couldn't understand when DH said he felt uncomfortable about it and would prefer friend to stay away.

And yes, I am married a second time myself but had a very quiet 2nd wedding (5 guests) .

I meant friend to choose someone else as best man (perhaps he should have stayed away from his own second wedding, that marriage seems very unhappy now ).

Jessie you go to weddings for the people, I have been to Pisa twice and I had been already on a Italian holiday. I did not really fancy going but I love the people even though two family holiday where compromised. Did I bitch, no. Would I go again, for people I love yes. I certainly did not go for a free £50 lunch.

cobain not sure I get your point? I absolutely agree that one goes to weddings for the people, which is why it's so unpleasant to hear that some guests hate every moment and bitch about how it's all so tedious- nkf's comments were not qualified by "but it was lovely to be there because I was so happy to see my friends". Quite the oposite-the impression she gives is that even the involvement of her nearest and dearest is not enough to prevent the whole event from being a massive drag.

For the record, I like the people aspect if weddings. I like seeing friends and family. I love seeing people make their vows. It's the stuff and the grand occasion aspect that gets in the way of the good stuff.

Bunbaker I think back in the day weddings tended to have mainly family as guests and maybe one or two friends. These days it seems to be more friends than family.

What's wrong with that? I'm close to my friends. Other than immediate family (i.e my mum, dad, brother) I barely know my relatives.

Why on earth would i want a load of strangers there celebrating with me?! Very odd. Much rather walk down the aisle and see the smiles of people i actually know and spend time with!

Are you my MIL?! She whinged about this too saying she was offended we had invited friends over random relatives. Bizarre. Wasn't her bloody wedding!!!

Exactly. And nowadays couples tend to pay for the wedding themselves (parents might contribute a bit) and invite who they want there. Where as years ago the parents paid and used it as excuse to invite all their friends who the B&G probably didn't even know!

I remember my MIL telling me there were loads of people at her wedding she didn't know. I find that rather sad.

I'd just send your dh on his own and forget about it. My mil hit the roof when my dh brother didn't invite our 2 dc. Mil told BIL that she didn't want to go to a wedding that her gc were not welcome at. Go mil!

Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds

Child free? That's the B&G's choice. That^^ is not good manners at all and YANBU - make a decision and stick to it.

I thought I was fairly unique in not having had my ds invited to my brothers wedding (only family child and is his godson!) but it seems like it happens an awful lot.
I got told if I had to bring him he could be looked after in a hotel room by a hired babysitter. He was 15 months. Even my own mum wanted me to pay a childminder local to me for a 24 hr period to have him overnight.
In the end my lovely dad stepped in, and told brother in no uncertain terms if they wanted a penny out of him to pay for said wedding then he would invite his nephew.
Relationship with brother and SIL has never recovered and don't see how it will as I just can't not take it personally.

I would tell them you can't go. It IS totally unreasonable to expect you to travel 500miles without your child when you don't have a close relative who can care for them and not everyone feels comfortable with hiring help locally. Yes I agree people should be allowed to have a child free weddings if they chose but they also have to accept your right to say well sorry we can't make it. The fact you are travelling all that way, let alone that you are family makes you a different case to their local friends. They are def being unreasonable NOT you. We have been invited to child free weddings and actually twice my DH has gone alone as they were his friends anyway, but thats a personal choice whether you feel comfortable / want to do that.

There is no need to be so defensive Needaninsight. I have been married for over 30 years.

My parents paid for the wedding which was small as I come from a small family and am very fond of them (or was, as many of them are no longer alive). Most of OH's family didn't come as it was too far for them to travel (OH and I are from different ends of the country). Lastly there was no-one I didn't know at the wedding.

I also invited a handful of close friends.