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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
Comeatmefam · 06/04/2014 07:20

We didn't have children at our wedding - make no apologies, would do it again. But totally made an exception for my gorgeous neice and nephew because, err, I love my sisters and didn't want to upset them or put them out.

GemmaPomPom · 06/04/2014 07:24

I would not go to a 'Child-Free' wedding. As a working mum, I don't see my kids enough anyway, I'm certainly not going to enjoy a lovely day out without them.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 07:25

YANBU to be upset that they changed their minds.

Most weddings I've been to over the years have been child free so it isn't unusual. I've seen toddlers ruin the day at those that weren't child free which is why ours was a child free wedding.

I don't think being family makes any difference.

foreverondiet · 06/04/2014 07:28

I think the response it's, that's fine, but please give us details of a known local babysitter. If they couldn't I just wouldn't (either of us) be going.

Aldwick · 06/04/2014 07:29

What I do hate is the assumption that parents will be 'grateful' to have a day out without their children.
Unless you have very trusted childcare in place and your children are used to babysitters or old enough not to be phased by it it is often quite stressful leaving them not to mention expensive.

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:31

I would have DH go because it is his brother, (if it was your brother then just you.) I think anything else is too difficult when it is 500 miles from home. If it was not such close family then I would simply decline.

AnotherFurry · 06/04/2014 07:34

I never understand these issues. The b and g should have the day they want as it is their wedding. Surely if no children then the b and g should be understanding if guests prefer not to come and the guests should be polite in saying have a great day but I don't want to leave my children.

However, uanbu if they invited your dd but then changed their minds.

Youarejustwordsonascreenpeople · 06/04/2014 07:35

My beautiful MIL told mt SIL that if she was determined to have a child free wedding and not invite her four nephews that she (MIL) would not be coming to the wedding either. I luffs my MIL.

Is the wedding in a church? If so you can go along to the wedding with your dd as church weddings are open for all, it's a church you don't need an invite to go in. Then go and spend the rest of the time having a lovely time doing other activities while the guests get on with the formal meal etc.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 06/04/2014 07:38

I come from a culture where it's really rare to have a child-free wedding.
I can honestly say I've never seen any major disruption caused by children, ever.

Having said that, I was invited to a child-free wedding where the b&g asked (politely) not to bring children if possible, but they were happy for anyone without babysitters to take them as they cared about their friends being there.

Surely that's what it comes down to? How much your presence is treasured?

HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 07:41

*I hate the idea of child-free weddings. I think it's got more to do with the bride not wanting the attention taken away from her than anything.

More to do with the fact you want an adult night, not free range toddlers screaming at inappropriate moments. Having said that our wedding was child-friendly, except I don't think anyone brought any. They all had the sense to palm them off, as we have over the years, so you could have a jolly good knees up.

I have been to weddings where children have thoroughly spoilt the day. Then thoroughly spoilt the evening. How anyone can enjoy themselves when 200 pair of eyes are looking accusingly at you because Little Agnes is over wrought and screaming the place down at 9apm is beyond me.

People spend a lot of money on weddings, they want them perfect. I'd want a perfect if I was spending the thick end of 20K.

PumpkinPie2013 · 06/04/2014 07:42

I think the main issue here is that the couple originally said your dd could come to the wedding and you started planning in that basis so YANBU to be upset.

While they are entitled to change their mind and have a child free wedding they will have to accept that this will mean some people will not be able to attend.

The options (for me) would be:

DH goes alone to the wedding if he wants to and takes card/gift with him.

You politely decline the invitation and send card/gift by post.

Personally I wouldn't leave my child with an unknown babysitter/childminder at a hotel/another guests home so it would either be DH goes alone or none of us go x

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/04/2014 07:42

Just let your DH go or book a sitter for the wedding bit.

I love children at events but can see why others dont. Having sat through several concerts and school events hearing babies crying and toddlers making lots of noise and the parents too selfish to remove them, its little wonder a lot of couples now exclude them.

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:43

Of course people can have the wedding they want, they just have to expect that it counts some people out.
It is the fact that if it is a church it is open to all!

Original poster
argyll · 06/04/2014 07:46

Thanks for all your reply's, as i said above i had not come across a completely child-free wedding before and it was useful to hear the reaction on both sides. For us its a logistical problem, but I think we will stick with our plan, dont want to subject dd to the traveling just to be stuck in a hotel with a childminder. DH will have to go on his own, although not overly thrilled about it, but as well as being a wedding its a chance to see other family members (cousins etc.) that he hasn't seen in a long time and I feel its important he doesn't miss out on that, they dont all gather together very often.
Thank you again

OP posts:
Inertia · 06/04/2014 07:48

Yanbu to be upset.

If we were in your position none of us would go and I would be making sure family members knew it was because DD had been uninvited and you have no other childcare options, given that the wedding is so far away.

SapphireMoon · 06/04/2014 07:50

I have been to a wedding where some children invited in family and some not. I think that is off and ruined event a bit for me. I went on my own and dh did childcare.
I think perhaps your dh should go if he really wants to and you stay with dd.
However, if both not happy with that, send apologies with no reason given.

SapphireMoon · 06/04/2014 07:51

Sensible decision op.

DxbtoLHR · 06/04/2014 07:51

How could they not want their own, niece there?! Odd and mean!

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:52

Sensible decision.

Aussiemum78 · 06/04/2014 07:56

Personally I'd be glad of a legitimate excuse not to go.

I think weddings are so very boring.

Bodicea · 06/04/2014 07:57

Most child free weddings the nieces and nephews are allowed, surely they should realise this. Maybe they will see sense when you tell you aren't coming

Skygirls · 06/04/2014 07:59

I had a 'children of family only' wedding, which meant that some of my friends couldn't come.

This was because of space and cost, as children were also counted per head for the sit down dinner, even toddlers.

The wedding budget was already stretched, so although it would've been great to invite everyone plus their children, we just couldn't afford to.

That said, it is bad form to invite your dd and then change their mind.

sandgrown · 06/04/2014 08:05

I think due to the distance they could have made an exception for your DD but they are entitled to have the wedding they want. Most young children are bored silly at weddings, particularly in the ceremony, and to be honest when mine were young would rather go without them !. Not sure why parents are so precious about going anywhere without their children as long as suitable care is available. When DGS was 9 months DD insisted on taking him to a wedding and arranged I would collect him before the evening do. When I arrived she was very stressed as he had cried most of the day so she had missed a lot of the ceremony and not enjoyed the meal.

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 08:06

Presumably they're so busy thinking about themselves it hasn't occurred to them that you won't be able to come to a wedding hundreds of miles away if you can't bring your 18 month old. I wouldn't leave an 18 month old with a random unknow babysitter in a hotel miles from home for an entire day either.

Stay at home, send your husband & if they dare to get offended because you are close family about you not going keep calm & just repeat a hundred times you cannot, you have no childcare.

My SIL had a child free wedding but an exception was made for ds1 who was 12 months old at the time & the only nephew at the time. They arranged babysitting for the evening as well (the wedding was next to the house) with a trusted family friend. This was all of course thoughtful & fine. If he'd been uninvited dh would have gone alone (also hundreds of miles away).

They can of course not invite your child - but they just have to be gracious when you refuse given distances etc. I quite understand when friends don't invite children, or more extendecfamily/distant relatives. I don't expect my cousins to invite my kids for example (added bonus when they do) as there are millions of cousins in my family. But to not invite an 18 month old niece who lives hundreds of miles away to even part of the day so obviously making it impossible for at least one of her parents to attend seems pretty ignorant to me. Each to their own.

EugenesAxe · 06/04/2014 08:07

YANBU... it's fairly well accepted that 'child free' weddings frequently don't extend to immediate family, because all the natural 'long absence' babysitters are in attendance.

At ours we were potentialy even more unreasonable because we made exceptions for very close friends that were stuck for sitters, and when we knew the children concerned were not likely to/ to be allowed to, dick about.