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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 00:51

Wouldn't go if it was a family wedding

WooWooOwl · 06/04/2014 00:57

I wouldn't hold it against them that they changed their minds. Fir all we know, they indicated it would be ok for the toddler to come before they had even looked around venues and drawn up a list of guests, or before they had worked out how many children they would be obliged to invite if they had a child friendly wedding.

It could well have been a genuine intention to have children at the wedding until they realised how much other stuff they would have to sacrifice to be able to accommodate them.

Caitlin17 · 06/04/2014 00:59

A wedding is never a "family wedding" it's up to the couple. I honestly don't get why so many of you think your children should automatically be invited.

Here how long ago was OP initially told it would be fine and how much warning has she had it won't be fine.

If I'm honest I prefer child free weddings. I don't find other people's small children particularly interesting or endearing.

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 01:04

Options are:

'We regret we (that's all of you, including DH) are unable to attend the wedding. We wish you the very best for the day blah blah blah'

DH goes. You stay at home.

You both go and arrange professional childcare at your hotel for the day.

Your DH speaks to his brother and explains that 1. DNs are related to the bride or groom so entitled to be a guest in their own right, not so for children who so happen to be related to guests. Friends understand that. 2. You are having to travel, they are not. They do not have to leave their children for 3 days minimum in order to attend. 3. You have no one who can look after your DC for 3 days. 4. They previously said she was invited.

TheWickerWoman · 06/04/2014 01:10

I've nothing against child free weddings.

I find it odd they aren't inventing their niece/nephew though.

GreenLandsOfHome · 06/04/2014 01:10

I'm fine with child free weddings to an extent.

To not invite your own brothers child though, in case you upset 'some friends'...really. Such, such bad form.

I wouldn't go if one of my sisters told me not to bring her nephews to her wedding. I probably wouldn't speak to her again tbh.

ThatBloodyWoman · 06/04/2014 01:19

I would let dh go alone, but tbh I would probably hold it against his brother.

AmyFlower · 06/04/2014 01:20

BillyBanter... no-one is "entitled" to be a guest! Unbelievable attitude!

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 01:26

Oh get over yourself. Perhaps entitled was not the best word.

The context of this invitation is it would be unfair to the other guests that their children aren't also invited. But a friend attending a wedding would understand that a niece is related to the groom, children of friends are not. The relationship is different. It's comparing apples with pears.

WooWooOwl · 06/04/2014 01:27

A lot of people are closer to their friends than they are to their siblings, I don't think family children have an automatic reason for being their over friends children.

There are loads of situations where people know their friends children better than they know their siblings children, because of geography or family relations or friendship dynamics.

I'd think most people do actually care about not offending their friends, having all children or no children is a perfectly valid way of planning wedding guests.

PurpleSwift · 06/04/2014 01:28

can't you go and not go to the wedding?

LovelyWeatherForDucks · 06/04/2014 01:47

This got me thinking, we're going to BILs wedding next month (locally) and DS is not invited....hasn't thought much of it but now I think about it it's a bit strange not to invite your only nephew! Plus they haven't seen him in 6 months. Hmmm may have to raise this with DH! Agree - it doesn't seem right to exclude a nephew or niece, as the 'family' status comes above whether they are children or not!

ComposHat · 06/04/2014 01:58

They were daft to say your daughter was invited initially without thinking it through, but wanting a child free wedding isn't unreasonable. The mere fact that she is his niece doesn't grant her special status and given the distances involved I'm guessing he doesn't have much day to day contact with your child. So I think their stance of no children is understandable.

nooka · 06/04/2014 02:17

My brother got married recently, they invited all the immediate family (which in my mind includes nephews and nieces) but otherwise didn't invite children except of close friends. No one seemed to be offended, I think this is a fairly normal approach, so I really don't think the excuse is a very good one. But of course it is the wedding party's prerogative.

In this case the OP's BIL will just have to accept no children means his brother will come alone, and no doubt will also be at least a bit sad to leave his family at home. I expect that other family members will be sad too, especially if they don't see the OP's dd very much (I always think at least part of the point of a wedding is to bring the whole family together to welcome the new member). I wonder whether the OP's PIL know that her granddaughter has been uninvited, and so they won't be seeing her?

Cerisier · 06/04/2014 04:20

I wonder whether the OP's PIL know that her granddaughter has been uninvited, and so they won't be seeing her?

A very good point.

GemmaPomPom · 06/04/2014 05:26

I hate the idea of child-free weddings. I think it's got more to do with the bride not wanting the attention taken away from her than anything.

I have a DD the same age as yours and there is no way I would leave her to go to this wedding. No way at all. And DH - for all his faults - probably wouldn't go, either.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 06/04/2014 05:54

Gemma we had a child free wedding...at my DHs request.

Nothing to do with being the centre of attention at all but more to do with the overall tone f the day. Plus, most children affected were under 2 and a large number of parents actually thanked us and enjoyed a day out without having to worry about DC.

OP we had one couple who are from New Zealand so no local family. They did what a pp said and brought DS but left him with a childminder at the hotel.

cathpip · 06/04/2014 05:57

We had a child free wedding, my dsis found out she was expecting and would have a 4 week old by the wedding date. As it turned out dniece arrived 7 weeks early. We came to a decision that clearly dniece had to be there but with us still wishing for child free compromises needed to be made. We hired a maternity nurse for the day (I paid for it) dniece was part of the day but the parts where we really did not want children she was vacant for (ceremony/speeches). This worked well, very well for my sister and us and all the family (first grandchild). It did help that we were in a hotel for the whole day, could this be an option?

Cobain · 06/04/2014 06:52

My friend went child free including family (grooms idea originally but she agreed), her sisters never really forgave her and when they had their DD it reflected in her relationship with her aunts. I have no problem with child free but as I respect their decision if I cannot find child care I will not use agency and they should respect that decision equally.

Sunnysummer · 06/04/2014 06:59

Why can't you just go and get a babysitter for the ceremony and part of the reception? Or take turns with you and DH? Personally I love children

bedhaven · 06/04/2014 07:08

Family kids are always at "child free" weddings I've been to, it's totally acceptable. Who do they think will look after your child? I bet most of their local friends kids will be with family for the day and evening. Maybe they should speak to a local invited with kids for an opinion. I'd be surprised if anyone thought it was reasonable to leave your Dd for a long enough time to travel the country or with unfamiliar babysitter locally.

OlympiaFox · 06/04/2014 07:08

yabu, it's their wedding and they're entitled to one which reflects what they want. They would only be unreasonable if they made any fuss about parents of uninvited children not being able to make it.

Beccadugs · 06/04/2014 07:12

We had a child free wedding - our 18 month old neice came. She screamed through the vicars address and my SIL was really slow at taking her out of the church. I missed the whole thing because I was so uptight about my parents reaction to the screaming (the address not the wedding!) luckily we had a babysitter for the few family children for
During the speeches!

It's really nice for family children to be involved, but parents do need to be proactive at amusing and removing as there are bits of weddings that are pretty boring if you are an adult!

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2014 07:15

We once declined a child free wedding invite. Did it properly, politely etc, no hard feelings and got a reply "why aren't you coming?" When we explained "no children, don't do babysitters" were told that DH should still go as "Kids aren't that important to men, Eve can babysit". DH replied that DD was a 'joint effort and joint responsibility' (nicer that that, but that was the jist) and actually it was him that didn't want to leave her.

Couple haven't spoken to us since and at the wedding told people that I had 'banned' DH from going Shock. I actually told him to go and he said he didn't want to without me.

Why is it so hard to believe that a dad might not want to leave their child too? Why do posters always suggest that one person goes? I wouldn't go without DH, surely weddings are a 'couples' thing?

GemmaPomPom · 06/04/2014 07:18

Just to echo what Eve said, but actually, I think that weddings are a 'family thing.'

If you are worried about kids screaming through the service, then just add a polite "children are welcome to our wedding, but please can we ask, if your child is being very noisy, if you wouldn't mind just taking him/her outside during the service."