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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 06/04/2014 08:13

I agree with previous poster that it's fine to have the 'child free' wedding of their choice but could have made an exception for their niece under these circumstances.

Maybe when your Dh accepts just for him they will realise the implication of their plan.

By the way Op you sound very gracious.... many MNetters get hopping mad over child free weddings

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 08:17

Incidentally I have been to a few family child fee weddings alone (leaving dh with kids) & it's been nice (for me - dh might have been a bit frazzled at home) but I would have been very if I could not attend such a close family wedding.

I'd act the same though - reply saying just dh would be attending & if asked why point out the bleeding obvious.

Waltonswatcher1 · 06/04/2014 08:18

Dh friends wedding was in Ireland . We didn't go . No way I'd leave my kids . I don't regret the decision even though it cost the friendship. I as the mum got the blame of course .
Ghastly ghastly weddings .

Comeatmefam · 06/04/2014 08:26

Attitudes to child free weddings are so precious!

The reason we had child free was because we genuinely wanted all our friends (all party people and ageing ravers!) to have a brilliant, fun night out without their kids and everyone did. It was fantastic and not a single worry or moan from the approx 50 guests who had children.

It was nothing to do with not wanting to be outstaged as the bride (WTF??) or kids crying in the service!

BUT we did have an evening, central London wedding - I think it's slightly odd to have a summer/daytime/garden wedding without kids tbh. But, seriously, each to their own.

Why are some people saying no way would they leave their kids...why? On what grounds? Unless you are EBF or your child is ill or you are half way around the world why can't you leave babies and children for a weekend?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/04/2014 08:30

I think you should warn BIL that you're likely to decline because of the logistical problems. Give him a chance to rethink.

I don't find the "if they cry, take them out" compromise acceptable. Had there been a risk of a baby crying during my ceremony, I would have been on edge. I paid for someone to look after the small people where parents has been unable to organise child care.

kerala · 06/04/2014 08:32

My lovely sister had child free. Couples siblings kids came to 9 under 5s as they both youngest sibling in both families to get married. All fine but did get a few pangs that the kids weren't there.

In your case exception should definitely be made especially if your dd only family child and you are travelling so far.

bellablot · 06/04/2014 08:32

I just wouldn't go. They obviously don't have children yet. Let your DH go and let them know exactly why you won't be going.

Why people are so precious about this is beyond reasoning.

Jinty64 · 06/04/2014 08:33

But I think the obvious solution here is to make arrangements for childcare at the hotel or locally. It would be nice for B&G to help arrange this, ask around. A local guest might be leaving their child with a trusted babysitter for the wedding who would be willing to take another on.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone would travel 500 miles to leave their child with a complete stranger so they could go out and enjoy themselves

In the same situation we would both politely decline the invitation but if dh wants to go alone and you are happy with that then that's fine. They will understand your predicament if they have children.

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2014 08:36

Because I don't want to. I don't need any other reason.

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2014 08:37

I do think you've been gracious, but I hope you'll update when the B&G and in-laws realise you and your DD won't even be in the vicinity...

fuckoffbeaker · 06/04/2014 08:38

Lol sod dumping them on someone else. Its an invitation not a command performance. You just say sorry im not leaving my baby, have a nice day and we look forward to seeing photos. Quite simple and no need for hand wringing

Funnyfoot · 06/04/2014 08:39

YANB to be upset.
If your DH is going to attend without you could you not all travel down together and stay in the hotel?
That way you are still together as a family and while DH attends the wedding and sees his relatives you and DC can spend the day shopping/sight seeing.
This also means that PIL can see their grandchild the following day for a few hours and your DH can leave the wedding early to be with you should he wish.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 08:40

I'm baffled by people who think those who want a child free wedding are "precious". It's unbelievably precious to expect people to invite children. It pushes the cost up and there is the strong chance that the children will disrupt the ceremony.

As I've already said I've seen wedding ruined by free range, bored children allowed to run amok by lazy parents.

What can possibly make anyone believe that a quiet, one day in a lifetime ceremony for 2 adults is the right place to take babies and children who may disrupt a very special, not-to-be repeated time?

Jinty64 · 06/04/2014 08:40

Comeatmefam do you have children? I appreciate everyone is different but there is no way I would have left any of my babies for the weekend unless it was a medical emergency.

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 08:42

I have been to childfree weddings before and just hired a babysitter for the hotel room, if it's a hotel wedding, then it's usually only actually an afternoon you are leaving them for, and often not that, one I went to, the B&G were happy for DS to be with us for the drinks reception (the wedding was late afternoon, then a long drinks and nibbles reception, evening meal at 8pm, so I settled DS down in the room with the childminder at 7 and rejoined for the meal). It was really the vows and the speeches they wanted to be child-free.

If all your DH's family are in Dorset, I'd go with DD and make a long weekend of it, you probably will have to leave her with a childminder for an extra couple of hours (assuming you'd hire one to look after your DD so you could enjoy the evening reception anyway). It would be an occasion that all your DH's family are together to meet her, and if you start asking around your DH's family, there's bound to be soemone who can let you know about a good babysitter/childminder - I found a lovely young woman who worked in a local nursery for a wedding in Ireland that the bride's cousin knew. Failing any local recommendations, look at Sitters.co.uk or see if you can find any local nanny agencies, a lot will offer emergancy/one off care services for vetted and experienced nannies. The hotel might also have a list of childminders they use regularly (particularly if it's a wedding venue)

It also might be worth asking the bride and groom if they have other friends in the same boat (just because friends are local, doesnt mean they all have their own families local to babysit for them) who would like to share the cost of a nanny/childminder for the day.

CountessOfRule · 06/04/2014 08:43

Come I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my DC (all under six) with anyone but family, because they are a handful aren't used to it and I'd be too worried about how it was going.

I am trying to "make it work" for my cousin's wedding this summer which I suspect will be child-free (currently invited verbally but waiting for the fine details of the proper invitation. If baby DC3 can't go, I can't go - in theory I could go to the church leaving DH outside with all three DC, but it's 200 miles away so that's a big ask and we'd plan a weekend in London round it to make it worth it.

If DC3 can come ("babes in arms") then he and I will go, because DC1&2 and DH are quite capable of looking after each other. PIL will be 4000 miles away and my family will be at the wedding, so it's DH or nothing. He can only come if all the DC are invited.

It's very fiddly. I'm sure when DC are older we'll be more chilled about leaving them for longer periods. But for now they are most comfortable with us so we don't leave them for longer than a few hours with anyone they aren't directly related to, and we haven't ever left them for any length of time with strangers (nursery, school etc introduce new staff slowly and in the company of parents or known staff).

Jellymum1 · 06/04/2014 08:48

see, this is why not only did I have a child free wedding I had a people free one! its too hard to upset people, and someone will always be put out with whatever arrangements are made. im not disagreeing by the way op I do not think yabu, I wouldn't leave my dd either (she was one of the very few people invited to my wedding) but it just reinforces my belief that weddings are a bloody farce. we had the best day ever just us our little family saying our vows and our siblings were pissed off but at least they were all left out not just one of them anyway sorry for rambling I just really dislike weddings

Thumbwitch · 06/04/2014 08:54

I had a child-free wedding except for babes in arms and my nieces. Nieces were not able to attend the ceremony as it was in a registry office, max no. of people = 50. I was pushed to pare the list down as it was, no way I was losing 3 spaces to children under 5! So they stayed outside with their Dad during the ceremony (short, not very exciting) and were there for the photos; then went to their gran's during the meal and came back in the evening for the party. My sister was very local though so it wasn't that difficult for her, and she enjoyed not having to deal with them through the meal.

It's different in your case - but I think your solution of DH going by himself is probably the best one under the circumstances. I wouldn't want to leave my 18mo with a stranger after a long trip either.

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 08:55

Jinty - I've left my children with complete strangers in different countries before now, but then I've taken them to hotels with evenign childcare so I could have dinner in peace. What do you think people do in hotels who don't want to use the McCann style of childcare? You pay someone/use the hotel childcare.

I would assume the OP would have to hire a babysitter for the evening anyway, or leave after the first dance, by 18 months most babies are past being prepared to sleep in a buggy next to a noisy dance floor, so you hire someone to look after your baby so you can dance and have a fun evening, or you miss the evening do, or you join the army of mums (and it's always the mums) walking up and down outside the wedding venue pushing buggies trying to get little ones to sleep wishing the dad's would call it a night and missing the evening do anyway. (IMO, the evening do is always the most fun bit of a wedding anyway, not the bit I want to miss! Speeches and photo calls, not interested, drunken dancing with DH, always a good laugh!)

mustbetimefortea · 06/04/2014 08:55

With you living so far away it seems a real shame that the rest of the family will miss out on seeing you and dd - particularly the gps. Could you go and stay at mils for the day whilst dh is at the wedding then have a family lunch the next day? B&G will presumably have left by then and don't have to attend. Or would you be accused of taking the attention away from the b&g or trying to force your way into the wedding?

B&G can have the wedding they want - even if it is rather unusual to exclude the only child in the immediate family.

sandgrown · 06/04/2014 08:55

Does nobody trust grandparents to look after children any more. In my experience most grandparents love their DGC as if they were their own and would love the chance to look after them !

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2014 08:57

YANBU, I would be upset too. It is an invite and they do have the right to arrange it how they wish (although rude to uninvite someone) but if they're going to be restrictive then I wouldn't worry about not being able to attend. I think you've made the right decision.

I wouldn't leave an 18 month old with an unknown babysitter either. My DD would be distressed by that which is more than a good enough reason. I'm always amazed by people who consider that 'precious'.

hoobypickypicky · 06/04/2014 08:58

"They obviously don't have children yet"

Patronising, much?

All this business of "They obviously don't have children yet" makes me laugh.

Plenty of people do have children and had/would have a child-free wedding or have attended some and understood and accepted the reasons for the host's decision. I'm one of them!

Like it or not, 18 months old has got to be one of the hardest to control ages. Not everyone wants their vows/speeches disrupted with a child talking/crying and it's all very well saying that you'll sit at the back and take the child out if she starts fussing but it's too late, by then the damage is done.

And we've no knowing, whenever these threads turn up, just how indulgent the parents of the non-invited child are. I'm not speaking specifically of you here, argyll, but in general. The hosts might perceive the parents as being far more pleasant company when they're not immediately dropping out of all adult conversation to turn to their child as soon as she murmers. They may feel that the parents are likely to demand that the music is turned down/Uncle John doesn't smoke outside the reception within 50 feet of PFB/they bring the potty into the dining room. You just don't know!

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2014 08:59

What do you think people do in hotels who don't want to use the McCann style of childcare?

Take them with you?

Blu · 06/04/2014 08:59

If you marry in a church you can never decree 'child free' for the service. Any member of the congregation , including kids, can attend as it is a church service open to all. In some villages there are people who turn up to funerals, weddings and Christenings just because it is a church occasion. Several folk came to my sister's service.

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