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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 06/04/2014 08:59

Sandgrown - the OP clearly said her mother is not physically able and the other grandparents will be at the wedding so I don't understand your comment.

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 08:59

SAndgrown - did you miss the bit that the OP's PIL will be at the wedding so can't do childcare and her mum isn't up to it? (Sadly, not everyone has healthy and fit parents once they have DCs themselves, I'd not be able to leave my DCs for more than an hour with my mum, she's just not physically up to it, even if she'd like to - it would be unfair on everyone to do that for a weekend)

diddl · 06/04/2014 09:01

Well that doesn't help in OPs case does it as one set will be at the wedding & her own mother isn't able to.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 06/04/2014 09:02

We had a child free wedding. I work with children and wanted just one day child free. We had no family children so it wasn't an issue and in the end we had one newborn as I wanted my friends to be there rather than not come.

I think they are being unreasonable to invite then uninvite your DD. Especially as she's the only child to be coming from miles away and you have no child care.

If your DH goes on his own I would tell them why. There's not much else you can do about it except hire a babysitter, but I wouldn't leave my DS with someone we and him didn't know.

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2014 09:04

Does nobody trust grandparents to look after children any more

In my case my parents were in their 70s and infirm when DD was born, and MIL is disabled, so no, they couldn't take care of DD. But in OPs case the ILs will be at the wedding and other GP can't do it.

TaurielTest · 06/04/2014 09:05

It's not always about trusting grandparents, sandgrown! Not everyone is fortunate enough to have parents capable of looking after the DCs - including OP, who said her mother was "not physically able" to look after her 18 month old.

ChunkyPickle · 06/04/2014 09:07

A good compromise I participated in when younger was that I waited outside the church with a couple of younger kids in buggies. I made some money, the kids didn't disrupt the service, all was good.

I confess I don't get this weird non-person-hood that people confer on children in this country. In other places, there really isn't such a 'children should be seen and not heard' mentality and people just get on around them.

MinesaMess · 06/04/2014 09:08

Where are all these laid back babies and toddlers who don't mind being left with strangers? Mine would have screamed bloody murder if I'd tried to leave him with a stranger at that age.

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 09:09

LtEveDallas - great if you have really flexible DCs who won't strop up if you keep them up 3-4 hours later than they would normally be in bed, or the sort who will sleep in buggies in noisy locations after about 18 months old, but most DCs that means you cant' stay out late, you all have to eat at toddler friendly times etc until your DCs are older.

I tend to think if you're spending several hundred quid on a weekend away, an extra £50 to ensure you aren't having to eat at 6pm and read "the tiger that came to tea" between courses to keep a toddler quiet in the restaurant, and be able to have more than 2 courses, is just worth it.

Each to their own, but I'm relaxed about using 'strangers' for evening childcare (once I've settled the DCS myself, so it's really just someone to watch them sleep!) as long as they are qualified and have good references. But then, I use a nursery for my work childcare, while I know the key workers, generally for lots of the day, my DCS are beign cared for by strangers.

LtEveDallas · 06/04/2014 09:11

Indeed, each to their own.

Comeatmefam · 06/04/2014 09:23

Jinty - yes I have three daughters and already had two of them when we married. All our friends had v young kids too - we all wanted and needed a big fun do without them!

Lucylouby · 06/04/2014 09:28

minesamess. I agree, my children would never have agreed to be left with a stranger for the day. Even now dd is nearly 8, I don't think she would be comfortable with the idea and would worry from when I told her of the plan until I returned to collect her. Dd2 would cry uncontrollably from when I left to when I returned. However ds has no such problem and would probably really enjoy being disruptive for an unknown childcarer!
A friend decided she wanted a child free wedding which included her 4 teenage nieces/nephews. Her mother stepped in sorted it, they went to the wedding, as did a toddler whose parents just said they would be bringing their ds, would bring high chair/food for him and never queried why he hadn't been invited. He was sat on our table and was beautifully behaved. (Although I appreciate that was rude, the bride news sees how unreasonable she was, after her children were not invited to a wedding held miles from were they lived).

everygalaxy · 06/04/2014 09:47

Me and STBDH couldn't agree so we split the guest list 50/50 - my guests can bring children his can't. Not surf how his pregnant sister is going to react though when she gets her invite!

SapphireMoon · 06/04/2014 10:03

I suspect there will be trouble everygalaxy from the groom's side...

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 10:03

"Why are some people saying no way would they leave their kids...why? On what grounds? Unless you are EBF or your child is ill or you are half way around the world why can't you leave babies and children for a weekend?"

Really!! You don't get it do you? Are you the sort of bridezilla that would have thrown a strop because some parents wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving their child(ren) for an entire weekend?

"I find it very hard to believe that anyone would travel 500 miles to leave their child with a complete stranger so they could go out and enjoy themselves"

So do I. I also find it hard to believe that an 18 month old toddler would be happy to be left with a compete stranger for the duration of a wedding.

It's a bit rich to say that parents are being precious to not want to leave their children with a stranger. That's no more precious than wanting a family child free wedding (what I mean here is those who expect family to travel several hundreds of miles to a wedding without their children, and where all their usual childcare will be at said wedding)

Neither OH's or my family do child free weddings. Our families come as a package. If it was just a friend I would understand.

But the worst thing of all is to invite and then uninvited someone. The couple would have to be remarkably thick skinned to not realise that it would cause offence.

Nocomet · 06/04/2014 10:07

YANBU
I'd tell him to fuck off and DH wouldn't be going either.

He'll know why when he has kids of his own, untill then let him stew.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 10:09

Babies and toddlers are handed over to qualified strangers every day at nurseries - I don't see the difference.

zirca · 06/04/2014 10:15

Send your DH, you stay home with your child. Cheaper for you, and as the parent of an 18 month old myself, I know he'd be hysterical if I left him with a complete stranger.

So your reply says, "Dear xxxx, due to childcare issues, only DH will be attending your wedding. I hope you have a lovely day." And leave it at that tbh.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 10:17

"Babies and toddlers are handed over to qualified strangers every day at nurseries - I don't see the difference.

Of course there is a huge difference. The clue is in the words "qualified" "every day" and possibly CRB checked or whatever they call it these days.

Handing over your toddler to a complete stranger for the duration of a wedding to someone you don't know anything about and haven't seen before or researched is entirely different. You are also assuming that all toddlers go to nursery.

Jinty64 · 06/04/2014 10:19

Does nobody trust grandparents to look after children any more. In my experience most grandparents love their DGC as if they were their own and would love the chance to look after them !

Well that's great if you have them. We don't have any grandparents left.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 10:21

Professional baby sitters have to be CRB checked, a lot of them are child minders. It's something that parents could easily check.

MinesaMess · 06/04/2014 10:21

Morgause, most children have a settling in period at nursery and quickly become familiar with the environment and strangers they are left with. For many toddlers it takes weeks of tears before they're ok with it.
A bit different from being left with someone they've never met for an entire day/evening as a one-off.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 10:22

I couldn't leave my DC with a stranger in a hotel room.

At 4 and almost 8 they will be bored, DS is asd so would have melt down and trying to get a sitter that specialises in SN is rather hard to find.

I have no problem leaving family, but they will be at the wedding

Comeatmefam · 06/04/2014 10:25

Calm down, Bunbaker.

I was the opposite of a bridezilla. Didn't even wear a wedding dress. Or have a colour scheme. Or a photographer. Or a dress code. Etcetera. Just 100 friends and family that I wanted to have a night of child-free letting their hair down. That was the whole point for us really.

If any of them had not wanted to leave their babies for the night I'd have understood as I love every single person that came to our wedding.

But all of them were delighted to come sans children.

I jump at the chance for a night away without my dds, but obviousy I'm not a proper mother with proper motherly feelings...

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 10:29

Of course babies aren't handed over to complete strangers every day - they're complete strangers the first day which is usually a short settling in session. Then they become familiar adults over time (& sessions are usually gradually extended ime - ideally anyway)

Anyway ds1 is severely autistic - I can leave him with my mum, so if she's at the wedding as well there isn't anyone.

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