dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

[argyll]

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

When DCs were little they used to go to lots of parties where there was an entertainer of some sort who occupied them for a couple of hours.

They were strangers but they knew their jobs and the DCs were happily occupied. I'd envisaged something like this could easily be arranged at a child free wedding.

Bunbaker - why would you assume a nanny agency or a company like Sitters wouldn't/couldn't provide qualified childminders/nannies for the day. There's also the option of being on site, so you can pop back into the room to check they are alright and if it isn't working, then take over/miss the rest of the wedding.

It does'nt have to be family or nothing, most people who do'nt have family childcare avilable and want/need to be away from their DCs for periods of time (be it for work or social reasons) have to rely on childcare and are able to source it.

The OP might not want to do this, but it's something that a lot of wedding guests do regularly, it's an option, and a sibling's wedding isn't the sort of thing you can miss when there's other options without it causing problems within the family long term.

Some people do want grown up events without DCs, and that's fine (although we invited DCs to our wedding, our only friend with little ones wasn't able to make it - the rest had teens, who did come). Some people don't want to ever leave their DCs with anyone other than the other parent, and that's also fine - if a little limiting your social and work life. But the OP said "Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself" - that's not the only solution, it might be the preferred option, but not the only one.

Do people really not understand why someone might not be able to leave their children for a weekend

It's not rocket science. You need some

Someone to leave them with.

An automatic feeder isn't going to cut it with an 18 month old.

Depends on the child doesn't it?

Ds2 would happily have been left with an unknown babysitter for a whole day. Ds3 would have been traumatised and severely autistic ds1 would probably have ended up dead.

For us if my mum isn't available then our only option to attend is one goes, one stays at home.

My sil uninvited her nieces and nephews (4 in total) at the last minute. We had bought outfits and booked a family sized hotel room, so were not happy at all. We ended up sending the dc to school as normal, and we traveled over just for the service and then got back on time for school pick up. Mil was not impressed that we didn't stay, don't think sil cared to be honest. I admit, I am still a bit hurt that she didn't want them there - it is of course her choice, but I just don't understand it.

I can understand child free weddings on the grounds of keeping costs down,however I can't get my head around people actually excluding their own nieces and nephews from the ceremony? It's a really odd and slightly mean thing to do in my opinion.

Sometimes nieces and nephews are excluded because they are holy terrors. My friend excluded children from her wedding solely to not invite the children of her Dsis who were very badly behaved most of the time.

2 years ago my children weren't invited to a family wedding. One set of grandparents were at the wedding, the other on holiday. My children's godparents were away and so were most people we would leave them with. So I declined the invite.

Come the day of the wedding, the one cousin who couldn't come had been given the task of finding out why I wasn't there via facebook. They're still annoyed that I wouldn't give a straight answer. Yet my dad showed me the photo's the next day... guess what everyone else's kids had been invited bar mine! It was obviously that I was only being invited to keep my dad happy!

"I can understand child free weddings on the grounds of keeping costs down,however I can't get my head around people actually excluding their own nieces and nephews from the ceremony? It's a really odd and slightly mean thing to do in my opinion."

This^^

Thank goodness you didn't go Groovee..
Best out of it..

I haven't read all the thread so this may have been already suggested, but if you can afford it can't you all go down there and only your DH go to the ceremony, then the three of you enjoy a few days together as a little holiday, perhaps meeting up with grandparents privately for a few hours 'catch up'?

I wouldn't go. Yes, he can invite and disinvite who he likes but I feel this is lacking in empathy and understanding.

I personally prefer a child-free wedding but that is because I'm privileged enough to have an extended family who will take my DC for the weekend. Expecting someone to travel to the other end of the country when they have no childcare is just bad manners and ignorance. I wouldn't want a relationship with that person.

And no, I wouldn't trust hotel childcare either. Not to mention the cost.

I would leave my children if they had someone suitable at home to watch them, however I wouldn't take them 500 miles to leave them with someone they had never met, regardless of qualification. I would also feel left out if my BIL knew we had no one to look after the DC's and therefore excluded me tbh.

I can't imagine grandparents wanting their only granddaughter left out either.

The whole attitude to weddings seems to have gone completely bonkers in my view.

It used to be - you were going to get married, you were happy, you hoped that your friends and family would want to share your happiness and wish you well, thus you laid on a spread for them after the ceremony as a way of thanking them for their good wishes. They were your, "guests" which meant that everything was paid for, like if someone is a guest in your house. You paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, the honeymoon, the drinks. If you had family living a long way away you accepted that they probably wouldn't be able to attend. And I am not talking 100 years ago here, I am talking about up to 15 years ago! Summary You spent as much as YOU could afford in making sure your GUESTS, who had taken the trouble to turn up to the church to see you into married life, had a good time.

Now it seems to be that you are going to get married, so this bestows on you some kind of celebrity status. You are suddenly an A-lister and you are allowed to make all kinds of demands and no one will say anything. You can insist people only wear certain colours. You can get married in a holiday destination a thousand miles away and expect your guests to spend thousands on being able to attend. Bridesmaids pay for their own outfits, no matter how hideous. People pay for their own shockingly overpriced drinks. You ask your guests to pay for your honeymoon. You give and withdraw invitations at a moment's notice. No one thinks anything of this. In the case of this thread, you expect a couple to travel 500 miles and leave their precious small child at home with a stranger, or bring her with them and pay £££££ for a stranger to look after the small child in the expensive hotel they have already had to splash out on. Why should anyone have to cough up that sort of money in order to leave their only child with a complete stranger while they go to a party? It's only a bloody wedding! Summary You are a superstar who has to have a celebrity wedding day with everyone dancing attendance. Your wedding is THE social event of the year for EVERYONE. The uninvited MUST be green with envy, otherwise you have failed in life, and your Guests must be seen to put themselves through any inconvenience - practical, emotional, or financial - just for the privilege of attending. Because you are so fab.

I don't think I turned into some A-list wannabe when I was getting married. DH and I paid for everything, offered transport from peoples homes, organised suitable food for all etc.

However I said I don't want your kids there. There was no pressure on guests to come, simply that they were invited and if they wanted to come, don't bring children.

I had my own children there for a little while, but no others. Newsflash, I don't want to spend time with others peoples children, even my nieces and nephews, on a day which is meant to be about DH & I celebrating our relationship. I have kids at home all the time, they come to all my family events, but I just wanted one day where I wasn't running round after crying DC.

The thing about leaving DC is that we're all different. Some people are very conscious of it and don't feel they can leave their children, on mn I've scene people say they couldn't leave their 8 year old for example. Other people take a different approach and are prepared to leave their DC from a much younger age. Neither choice is superior and being in one group doesn't make you abetter parent than the other. Why some people just can't accept that other parents do things differently I don't know.

Stands up and applauds BalloonSlayer

I got married 12 years ago and it wasn't like this then either.

So the DH goes alone. Very sensible. NO WAY I would leave mine for a weekend. Never did. Now DD1 is gone, for me, glad I never did.

YANBU OP, I'd be upset to - miserable sods!

Well said BalloonSlayer

(I meant too - obviously)

saintlyjimjams: "Do people really not understand why someone might not be able to leave their children for a weekend"

I know. It's astonishing, isn't it? For a start, finding a babysitter is a huge extra expense when you're already paying a load of money for travel and hotel rooms.

Second, not everyone has a babysitter or relative they can leave their child with - at 18 months, we had never used a babysitter for DD and there was no way we would have just dumped her on a complete stranger for a whole weekend. It's your child, ffs - why would you make them stay with someone they don't know? And lots of people either don't have parents who are alive, who are nearby, or are physically well enough to look after a toddler.

Finally, and this is obviously weird of me, I liked my daughter. At 18 months, I would have found it hard to spend a day away from her, let alone a weekend. I'd have just fretted the whole time.

In the OP's case, I would let her DH go to the wedding and stay at home, but I wouldn't be very happy about it.

Lucky escape, too.

Weddings are boring as fuck. A stupid waste of money.

The B&G think it's special, 'celebrating their relationship', whatever, but really, aside from probably your mum and dad, no one really gives a fuck you're getting married.

And I so agree with BalloonSlayer. I think if you are hosting any occasion - wedding, christening, birthday party - you should always start from the perspective of making it a happy and enjoyable experience for your guests. If they have a good time, you will too. If they're miserable and resentful at having to travel to a foreign country/leave their kids behind/miss lunch and not eat until 4pm, then that will dampen the enjoyment for you too.

And yes, a great many people don't have ANYONE they can leave kids with for a weekend and still many more don't want to and don't think it's a fun night out without their kids.

YANBU to be upset about this because your dd was invited and then the invitation was withdrawn that is rude and unfair your situation can not be compared to their friends who are all local

it is unreasonable to criticise people who want child free weddings, it is their day and the costs are huge for food etc and children can be disruptive and difficult when they are tired or over excited.

As for leaving children with a stranger, well out of my 7 it would have been possible with 5 of them the other two no way it is down to the childs personality