To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

[Blackmouse]

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

Does one really expect to overhear conversations about the situation in Crimea or a cure for cancer in the minutes waiting for the bell?

Oh god I wish! I find it SO much easier when people talk about their political opinions or the details of their work. I'm like the girl in that ad who falls for the dorky bloke who tells her about "good bacteria". Please tell me anything real and interesting rather than chit-chat.

I did once get into a conversation with one mum in which I (quite naturally I swear) ended up asking her what she did and she was some kind of geology academic. I was genuinely interested and asked her about her research and what she was interested in etc. She has never spoken to me since and always looks at me funny!

Ho hum.

Are you an expat Bonsoir? I find it quite interesting to hear how people integrate into communities when they are from 'somewhere else'.

I realise I am speaking very broadly here but it is interesting to me that early schooling and life can have bearing on how I approach 'school sourced' friendships. A few very close ones and acquaintances- the latter can be good strong relationships but I don't see them as in the same way because they haven't got that in-depth knowledge of me. I kind of see that school linked socialising as a different kind of relationship.

I am a veteran of both large international school in a country with a totally different culture (with no tangible reference points) and a tiny local school in another country. Both times I was pretty young. My Mother didn't integrate (she never learned the language beyond market speak) whereas My Father and sister did because we were in the work/learning environment. We had to.

This sort of thread makes me so sad. I moved to a new area six months ago. I don't know anyone here at all. I hoped when DD starts school in September that I might meet some people, but clearly not. Better get used to my own company then.

I'm an immigrant, not an expat, and I live in a community chock-a-block full of other immigrants with a similar socio-economic profile (professional, cosmopolitan).

Don't let the OP's skewed reality get you down Lambzig, far more people have made good friends through the school run than not in my experience, no doubt you'll be the same. Good luck when you move.

Lamb

Have you looked at other ways of meeting parents? Maybe via groups with a shared interest that you happen to share?

The local library can offer plenty of info as can some of the Local sites on here.

Going to sports centres too- I met friends through horseriding and it felt more natural because we had something in common other than just children and school. Our local book shops organise events regularly (a lot of independent ones are great at this) and again, having that shared activity can help make it all feel less forced or inhibiting.

Well there's the rub- that similar immigrant experience does have a bearing on the forming of groups whether it be positive or negative. If you were the only immigrant in the (small rural village) your experience might well be very different.

I really wouldn't worry lamb, it is perfectly possible to meet perfectly nice, normal parents!

TheLadyRadishes I'm not a great fan of chitchat either but I'm usually dashing in and out, hence how I don't have time for deep and meaningful conversation at the school drop off or pick up, and I suspect it's the same for many (most?) people. A night out, on the other hand, offers much more scope for an in depth level of chat if one forces oneself to go along .

I've made some great friends through school. I don't understand why people are so suspicious about it. Surely it's no different from making friends in any other situation!?

YABU unless you think everyone should 'keep themselves to themselves' all the time and never give a stranger a chance.

I get on great with my 'playground' mates. We go out for drinks every couple of months, have coffees etc. all the time. We've had a few right good parties as well, a camping trip. Its a great back up for childcare too, I am more than happy to look after their kids and I get the same back. I know we are a bit unique though. I am so going to miss it when it when ds moves up.

You may be right margot but the difference is in the playground, if it gets awkward you're leaving anyway :)

If you expect to have 'deep meaningful' conversations at the school gate, the supermarket checkout, walking your dog etc etc you are bound to be disappointed! I doubt many people have the energy for it.

YABU. Unless you approach every occasion when you might meet people that way. If you don't, then why is the school run any different?

Be yourself, chat if you feel like it, don't if you don't.

I really don't expect to, I just said "I wish"! because I'm crap at small talk and prefer other stuff.

I've made some lovely friends through the school gates who i would be lost without. My children went to different first schools just a few hundred yards apart though and I did find one of the playgrounds a bit stressful to go to so can see why there are differing experiences on here .

There will always be people who thrive on drama and bitching but I've found ignoring them and focusing on the many lovely people out there works well for me.

So glad I'm not the only one! I'm another no friends from the school run. Now that ds is out of primary I cannot tell you what a relief it is to not do the gate any more. Now we just park and the dc walk to their vehicle. Now I can be antisocial in an acceptable way!

I've made a few friends on the school run with my eldest. I had him when I was in school, didnt go to baby groups and therefore none of my other friends have DC, so it's been helpful and I think we're fairly close, I've been there for one of my friends through her being sectioned and coping with illness and all of that, so I think we are real friends who just happened to meet on the school run, rather than being specifically school gate friends.

There's a lovely wise supportive friendship group at my child's school gates. We socialise a lot and there's little bitching. Just nice normal women.

Another school gate fan here. I've met lovely, intelligent interesting people who have become firm and lasting friends, including after our kids have left the school.

I find it both sad and baffling when people go on about how it's a horror-zone full of cliques, trivia and bitching.

I've met some fantastic witty,intelligent fun people at the school gate
I have met some really awful people too. The difficulty comes when the awful people are your DCs classmates parents, so you are "stuck" with them....

I would have loved to meet some new friends at my children's school. However after 5 years of trying I have come to the conclusion that it is now time to give up and stop going to all the Class Rep things.

It's a Prep School. I am afraid it is very cliquey to the point where the cliquey mums literally turn their backs on you and stand in huddles, whisper and ignore you when you say "hello". However when you are useful to them (ie want you to look after their children) they then act as if you are their best friend. After this it goes back to being blanked again.

I heard the same group of mums being really nasty about a new mum. It was shocking how vicious they were about her. The Dad's generally seem friendly though.

I have a couple of friends there and we help each other out. They are also not included in the clique.

Having worked in many schools I appreciate not all schools and parents are like this. This is just my experience in this particular school.

From my point of view yab a bit u. I have met one of my now closest friends at the school gates. We met at the start of Reception and our eldest are coming to the end of year 3. That said, in ds2's year I have seen some awful behaviour amongst parents that would say yanbu so I tend to keep myself to myself with most parents there.
I am always polite to whoever and smile and say hello. Manners cost nothing in that respect.