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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

228 replies

Blackmouse · 05/04/2014 23:04

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

OP posts:
stillenacht · 06/04/2014 07:12

ComposhatGrin

'Cliquey' peut-être

Twobusyboys · 06/04/2014 07:20

Oh no this thread is depressing. Ds1 is about to start at school in an area i dont know many people and i had hoped we would make a few friends there!

Waltonswatcher1 · 06/04/2014 07:21

I have lovely long lasting friendships that blossomed at the gates . YABU and negative . It's ok to be a bit wary , I am in new situations . Opening yourself to fresh possibilies is a way to invite joy into your life .

8isalotoflegsDavid · 06/04/2014 07:22

Yes.

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:25

Don't worry, Twobusyboys, RL is rarely like MN. This sort of thread is not going to attract people who are just their usual friendly selves and don't have any issues.

BingoWingsBeGone · 06/04/2014 07:26

I chat to a few people at the school gate and have met some good friends which has been nice as newish to the area. However I am not over involved in the PTA or other events and no fawning over the head teacher. I also only do the school run 2-3 times a week so it's nice to catch up with people.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 07:26

Tbh I always think these threads say more about the poster than the ones they are griping about.

School gate angst is ridiculous. The analogy of work is good. Just colleagues. That's all needed. Why do you feel these people should be your bosom buddies just because your kid is in same class? Are you best friends with everyone at work?!

BingoWingsBeGone · 06/04/2014 07:26

X post Delphiniums Grin

8isalotoflegsDavid · 06/04/2014 07:30

It's no different to being at school yourself though. Women can be divided into groups and sub-groups, the A-listers, the mean girls, the petty gossips, the victims, the shallow showy types, the gobby argumentative ones, the fishwives and the fighters, the bullies, the bookish quiet ones, the nerds, the needy ones, the losers, the clever ones, the very together, capable ones who seem to exist on another plane entirely, the very mature ones, the immature ones, the well-balanced normal friendly types who manage to be pleasant to everyone but who know when to keep their heads down and their noses out.

It's just a case of aiming to be in the last group, and learning how to spot those to avoid.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/04/2014 07:31

Well, before my DCs were born we didn't know anyone in our town as we moved away form our families for work and neither os us worked in the town itself, but I started making friends through ante-natal classes and that number has grown a lot since the DCs started school. There's always someone to have a chat with in the playground, we babysit for each other, see each other out of school, share walking to Cubs, Brownies etc, it has been a brilliant experience for me. As I said in my earlier post, there was one difficult mum in my DS's class for a while, but generally they're great, hope your school turns out this way too Twobusyboys.

JoandMax · 06/04/2014 07:32

I have some nice friends I have met through DSes school, not my bestest ever friends but the odd coffee and night out..... There are some cliques in the older years, parents on PTA but so far our class is unaffected!

AmandinePoulain · 06/04/2014 07:33

Twobusy please don't worry - I've made some lovely friends on the school run. I knew a few mums from before we started and I've made some since. We meet up outside of school and help each other out with childcare. You'll be fine Smile

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:39

I never understand all the angst about the school gates and people dressing up for it, getting competitive , the PTA being a clique etc.
You are merely taking your children to school and collecting! You will meet all sorts. I have a few who are still friends today and some who were just friends at the time and many more that I just had a chat with occasionally.

Delphiniumsblue · 06/04/2014 07:40

It is a good idea to try and get on, everyone needs a support network.

NearTheWindymill · 06/04/2014 07:41

I agree with 8isalotoflegs. I spent the first two years observing, nodding and smiling. And also like school, the mums in dd's year group were much nicer than the mums in DS's year group. There was trouble in ds's year group and you could see why some of the children were on the nasty side.

Having said that, we made very close family friends at the school gate. One of those constellations where the children got on very well and the mums and the dads.

Bodicea · 06/04/2014 07:47

I have never understood the difference between being cliquey and "I am friends with just a few of them" surely it is the same thing?! Guess you only count as being cliquey if you are not in the friendship group. If you only talk to certain people surely you are the one who is being cliquey!

NormHonal · 06/04/2014 07:55

I held off a bit at first (was a bit busy with younger DC tbh) but have now made some brilliant friends at the school gates and look forward to seeing them. We have a really strong support network now and trade favours (no one's counting) such as taking/picking up each others' DCs from school and ASCs and rallying round when others are unwell.

Ours is a small community so it would be madness to NOT get on with each other.

Also when you have young DCs who can't tell you for definite if tomorrow is a non-uniform day, having the number or Facebook details of someone you can message and ask is a godsend.

8isalotoflegsDavid · 06/04/2014 07:58

I agree, the term 'cliquey' is often used as a snidey put-down towards a small group of women who happen to be good friends, by other slightly insecure women who feel snubbed at not being included in that group.

Chances are the 'clique' are totally oblivious to the existence of half these women they are supposedly snubbing!

Twobusyboys · 06/04/2014 08:00

Thanks for all the messages of support! At ds1s currentpre school we have made some great friends and i am feeling sad to leave them behind. Hopefully there will be friendly people at the new school too.

flowery · 06/04/2014 08:03

YANBU. That's what I do, and I never think people who make the school run and associated social interaction the centre of their lives are very sensible.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/04/2014 08:08

I don't know anyone who makes it the centre of their life, we all have a lot of other stuff going on, but am very grateful for the friends and support network it has given me.

flowery · 06/04/2014 08:10

I'm just judging by the threads you see on here about it, which often read like the social lives of 13 year old girls.

gobbin · 06/04/2014 08:19

I am so glad I had to have a childminder do the runs at both ends of the school day for me and avoid all the crap.

Slutbucket · 06/04/2014 08:21

I've met some lovely people by doing the school run. I nice cheery hello and a how are you cheers my day up no end and I know it cheers others up because I 've been told. This silly attitude just closes any opportunities of meeting lovely people. You don't have to be everybody's best mate but niceness goes along way.

ParanoidLucy · 06/04/2014 08:38

I have never had this experience. I chat to most of the other parents in the way I would a colleague. Friendly but no confessions or confiding. I have a few closer friends from the school. It would seem a shame to close off that opportunity surely. Some parents have more personal life invested in the school. Holidaying with echo other etc. But I don't see them as cliquey. They are just friends.

I can't stand these threads. All this catergorising groups like a teenager. You may it not make friends at the school gate. You will almost certainly make a lot more acquaintances. A clique is more likely to be a group already established rather than people setting out to get to you. You can't be friends with everyone. Get over it.

You do realise its your child at school not you.