To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

[Blackmouse]

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

"hooby - I prefer not to break individuals down to Sunday Times stereotypes for my creative writing class/blog, and actually, you know, talk to people as opposed to sneering behind their backs. I find the majority of folks to be quite nice."

Well you fucked up big time there, rookiemater. I rarely read anything in the ST outside of news and sport stories and certainly not editorials, I've never written a blog or gone in for "creative writing class", whatever that is, I'm not sneering. I'm having a bit of a leg pull. You know, a lighthearted jape? A wee bit of trying to raise a smile on a wet Sunday morning?

Did someone piss on your cornflakes this morning or are you always the type of person to be so easily offended?

I know

I've made some lovely friends at the (pre)school gates. We get together in the afternoons and let our DC play, have a coffee and a chat. We're not bosom buddies, but we get on well and enjoy each others company.

Maybe I've just been lucky, but having lived in SW London and now Durham I have never come across any rude, gossipy or cliquey parents either at toddler groups or at the school gates...

I also wonder is this a regional thing. I live in lovely wee northern ireland and due to the ages of my children I am now in my 12th year at the primary school.
In that time I have never come across
Angst about reading groups I have never ever heard them mentioned anywhere but in the interview with teacher and now mn
Angst about pta join or don't join they will send out notes about events end off, they are nothing special not the mafia
Playground cliques everyone just says hi and chats while they are waiting usually about the weather and how long will we have to wait for the teacher to let them
Out. There are some people who always stand together but so what I can't say I've ever considered them as anything other than other mums not a clique
Class reps ?????
Parents social nights???
Ive talked to mum friends in rl who have kids at other schools and we have never heard of any of this apart from on MN

I've never seen any cliques on the school run. I thought I saw them at toddler groups, but did my best to develop a thick skin and go and introduce myself and join in the conversation. Almost all of the time I found they weren't cliquey at all, and were friendly and welcoming.

Now I just talk to anyone and everyone.

crazdsky - it might be a regional thing.

I'm from good old NI myself and will happily talk to anybody and anything, including inanimate objects, and have found people in Scotland to be v friendly generally. However friends and relatives who live in Southern England have said that they can find people to be standoffish.

Oh and hooby, I'm in a great mood thanks. It's my birthday and I had breakfast in bed, I don't think anyone peed on it, although if DS was in anyway involved in making it, I couldn't say for sure . Sorry my remarks were personal, I just find this topic a bit weird and I'm making a real effort as I get older not to be so judgmental about people ( apart from other mumsnetters obviously).

I've never had any problems and with my younger dd met a lovely group who I've started socialising with. In fact I'm not aware of anybody in real life who has had a problem at the school gate.
I work part time so only get to do the school run twice a week and love the fact that i've got plenty of people to say hello to and have a chat. Its really useful for information too as DD1 is not too good at bringing home information.

I made several very good friends through my DCs school friends, DD is now 17 and DS is 13 and I still have those original friendships.

If you perceive every group as a "clique" OP you're being judgemental. Bully for you that you've got a support network, a lot of people don't and rely on school gate friendships to get them through difficulties and practical problems.

Don't judge everyone else by your crappy standards, I'm sure the group you've "distanced" yourself from are glad to be rid of you with that attitude.

Happy birthday rookiemater! :)

Have a good day. :)

What an unpleasant post blanche. The OP said absolutely nothing to indicate that she "perceives every group as a clique", and in fact never mentioned the word clique. And how nasty to suggest the group she left are "glad to be rid of her".

agreed flowery very uncalled for.

Happy Birthday rookiemater
Hope you had a lovely cooked breakfast with loads of soda and tattie bread

Smile, nod of acknowledgment and a friendly good morning is my modus operandi!

It's all very stressful and fraught with politics...

I have three distinct groups of good friends-one made up of girls I went to school with over twenty years ago, one of ex-work colleagues (one I see every few weeks for dinner, am godmother to her children), and the third group are moms from school & nursery I've met in the past 4 years since my eldest started pre-school. I wonder where else my friends may come from if I'd followed the rules of treating colleagues and school moms as off-limits! Strangers I met in bars? On the bus?

I took two of my three to a party yesterday (husband took the other to separate one), was an entirely pleasant experience of chatting and drinking coffee whilst the kids played. I also know that if one of my kids is poorly I can pull up outside school and collar one of the moms I'm friendly with to take the other in the gate for me, save getting sick child out. Why is this something to be feared or derided?

I wonder if those who are so sneering of people like me (normal mom going about her business, supporting school activities when I'm able for no agenda or reason other than a sense of social responsibility, pleasant and chatty to people I know, smiley to those I don't), have actually got issues with their own ability to interact with people? A chat in the playground doesn't have to involve all your deep dark secrets, we're all just people muddling along!

No but she referred to them as "fake" and "bitchy". She also seems to think she's awfully "wise" in avoiding them. She thinks they're "hilarious". If I thought anyone I was supposed to be friends with was thinking that about me behind my back, I'd be quite relieved they "distanced" themselves from me, wouldn't you? If you're looking for unpleasantness, just check the OP, it's all there.

I think it's probably sensible of her to distance herself from "fake" "bitchy" people myself.

And no, I'm not "looking for unpleasantness", but when someone is that nasty about someone, especially to their face, with absolutely no justification, it does stand out rather.

She doesn't know they're "fake" or "bitchy" though, does she? She's making assumptions about them and then laughing at them behind their backs. That seems pretty unpleasant to me, I was referring to the fact that you said MY post was unpleasant and you had totally ignored the unpleasantness in the OP.

Not everyone has the support network she does and we have to rely on school friends to help out with chilldcare, lifts etc., we give what we get.

I would have really struggled without my school mum chums and don't appreciate someone assuming I'm a fake, bitchy, self absorbed fool (i.e. not "wise" like the OP) for having them.

Yes, I understood what you were referring to thanks. I also think the OP is probably best placed to know whether or not the women in question are fake and bitchy, seeing as she's, you know, actually met them.

Oh, and who's assuming you're fake bitchy and self-absorbed just because you happen to have friends you met at school? Can't see anything like that.

If anyone does choose to assume you are bitchy it won't be because you have friends on the school run, it will be on the basis of what you post.

Maybe they just saw through the fact that she was laughing at them and considered herself so very wise, she's perceived their lack of enthusiasm for her as bitchiness?

I don't find this at all. Parents around my area seem quite leftie, NGO/freelance/academic/law types, barely a swipe of mascara between the lot of them, above average beardiness among the Dads, quite a lot of whom are SAHD. A lot of international families. A lot of older parents.

Frankly a bit more competitive dressing up wouldn't go amiss, sometimes. But there's very little bitchiness that I have noticed (apart from me, apparently!).

It's quite a shabby, welcoming school. The children are a ramshackle bunch, in a very good way, as are the parents. It's nice and not even a little bit threatening.

I understand the clique thing - we live in a small town where most people went to school with one another - I am not from here. I keep out of it all - everyone else knows everyone's business and I am always the last to know but I like it that way.

I have a couple of friends I make a beeline for but mostly I stand alone as I hate small talk.

I used to have a tree I hid behind at school pick up last year - this year there is no tree and my friends take the piss out of me because I stand as far away from everyone as possible.

Am I antisocial - yes. Do I care - not really. I am the same at work - they are not my friends they are my work colleagues.

I was also on the school PTA committee and am a parent governor - so maybe not as antisocial as I think I am but think others would see me that way.

I manage to chat at the school gate and still get to work on time, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Obviously depends on timings, but when I worked three full days I could chat on the other two, now I work 9.30-2.30 so no problems with timings. I tend to look out for someone who's walking home in the same direction as me and chat on the walk home.

I don't really find any difference in friendliness between people who've lived here all their lives and the incomers like me.

Having emigrated, all my closest friends are those I have made at the school gates

My ex neighbour is like this. Has to be friends with lots of people, especially at the school gates. But is always complaining and playing it out on facebook (natch), things like "Wonder if I will get dirty looks today" or "If she has got something to say she can say it to me at the school gates" or "Guess who has been bitching at the school gates again"

It really seemed to piss her off and cause her angst, I dont know why she bothers. It was the same on the estate where we live, she knew loads of people, got invovled in what was going on and then seemed to get involved in arguments/fueds which lead to quite a few arguments in the street/at her door/ over the fence etc.

i just keep myself to myself and dont get involved!