To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

[Blackmouse]

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

Totally agree with sibling. Intrigued as to where others make friends if not school/university/work/having young children.

First time I've ever considered myself wise .

I used to drop off and run. I had an absolute aversion to school gate parents, lingering in little huddles; besides getting to work on time against the traffic /PE kits/ last minute family tasks was always a battle.

Same with PTA. I had enough on my plate with work, study and two children. Last thing I needed was more stress and in the schools I sent my children too the PTA was very much in the command of parents who didn't work outside of the home. Not sure how typical this is though.

Mignonette - I agree with your first comment. They do get in the way.

Not typical re your second statement. I was on PTA and I work full time and most of those on the committees also work full time or run their own businesses.

"Intrigued as to where others make friends if not school/university/work/having young children."

I don't understand. Who has said no one should make friends through those things?

I8

Yes that was only the situation in the schools I used. I cannot say that would be the same for all. There was a cabal of parents who ran everything- and not one of them worked outside of the home although they did work very hard for the school.

I'm really not getting this thread at all- before I had a baby I had a nice set of friends, why would I try to be friends with everyone in my daughter's class? Or give a chuff if 'Sharon' who has been stood there since 2.30 decides I'm not worth talking to? My mum and dad were the same, I'd have found it weird if they were hanging around the playground ages before I was picked up. To be honest I remember the ones who were didn't have a lot going on and stood smoking in their joggers and leaving their tab ends all over the place. Perhaps it's different in these leafy areas. Yeah it's nice if you do get chatty with some and make a good mate or two, but if your entire social life is determined by your kids I do find it sad and boring and wonder what you were like before you had them. The thought of a "mums' night out" makes me cringe a bit inside.

Yes there is an assumption that just because we are all parents with kids in the same school that this is enough to warrant and sustain friendships. Same assumption is often made about work friendships.

I have always believed that it is healthier to cultivate friendships outside of work/school. Doesn't mean you are unfriendly per se just that it is easier to maintain boundaries and keep out of the politics.

I met my husband at work. We didn't fall in love because we had work, but it was merely the thing which threw us together long enough to chat and realise we had stuff in common and liked each other.

This has also been the case with friends I've made through being at work together or standing in the playground together. I struggle to understand an easier 'social' setting than work or school gates. You start off with small talk and chit-chat (weather, current events etc), then as time goes by you share more details of your life, and you progress beyond small talk with those you like.

To those who think friendships with colleagues is weird, i'd love to know where else your social groupings come from?

i'm not saying don't be friendly or don't be nice and i'm not having any sort of angst over it

BUT i certainly would not share information, i wouldnt want repeated.....

and i dont want to get overly involved

Sibling

A collection of random encounters, childhood friendships and friends acquired through other friends. Spattered with people met via interests, at conferences (guess that counts as work) and on holiday. Also a neighbour from thirty years ago!

I have one friend from work. Like you, I married him . And like you we had other things in common and actually worked in totally different teams under the auspices of the NHS.

Absolutely correct, be friendly with a bit of distance. Of course it's good to make a friend if you click with a mum.

I tend to gravitate to those who are not clicky just prefer to be put of those playground groups

I am still friend with 2 school mums I met at the school years ago. & my best male friend is a colleague I met at work 22 years ago. Apart from that my friendships are mainly people Ive known since either schooldays or teens. Total of all this is less than 10 friends, I don't feel the need for any more than that. I am social, but not the type to have loads of friends. Everyone is different.

Some people you 'click' with some people you just won't, beyond perhaps small talk because you're 'thrown together' via work, school, study etc situations. You can't force it. You find cliques in offices, for instance - so? It doesn't mean everyone in the office is like that. People who are more each other's type of person tend to gravitate towards each other eventually. Im also struggling to understand this thread there doesn't seem to be anything that is 'particular' to school mums here. They're people, just the same as any other and you are going to find different types in many other settings. If I came from the premise that school mums are cliquey and thus held myself aloof then I wouldn't have made friends with the 2 who are still friends years later. Of course there were some cliquey mums but I didn't make a study of it. Its up to them - there are enough people around who don't aspire to that.

ComposHat apologies, meant cliquey not clicky.

I have made 100s of friends at the school gate! Of which 20 or so are good friends and a couple are super close (we take family holidays together). I don't understand why people complain so much about the school gate - it has been fabulous for me and my family.

"If you perceive every group as a "clique" OP you're being judgemental"

huh???

i never mentioned anything about cliques....
what are you on about.

i said this

i just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble

[ such as people bitiching about what others have put on fb, the night out where the mums are gossiping about another mum, who got a bit tooo drunk or woah, started flirting with someone]

And so many of these friendships seem so fake[because they dont genuinly care about each other, ive heard others saying things like, oh don't tell anyone but so and so is pg, she told me, but has asked me not to tell anyone, so don;t pass it on...]

And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
[don't really need to explain this to you do i?]

You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves [ for example one person[person 1] starts off by saying they are going to such and such on holiday this year, and before that person, has even finisihed saying what they where saying, person two buts in and says oh we are going to such and such and we are doing this and that and blah blah.
not even listening whatsoever to person 1, the amount of conversations where the people are not actually talking and listening to each other is unbelieveable, and if you actually listen out for this it will make you chuckle to see how so mny people always try to bring the conversation around onto them,their fav subject! its funny]

Quality matters not quantity.

One conversation I was unfortunate to overhear was about the mums summer pick up uniform - oh how brill its summer soon - the maxi and denim jacket combo. FFS.

People need to discern between acquaintances and friends. They aren't the same.

Why do people have problems with those that volunteer to help with the PTA? I don't tend to volunteer much as I work in a school so I'm generally not free when they need help, but I do help when I can. Do those who sneer at the PTA allow their children to go to events organised by them, use facilities the PTA fund raised for?
I think the OP 's post says far more about her than it does about the so called cliques at the school gate.

Exactly Mignonette. I had this conversation with a good friend who divulges a lot when she talks to anyone. I told her to be careful with who she talks to things about - it will get around the whole school in no time. She is wising up thank god.

Why did you bother making a thread about it Oh Wise One? You seem to have got it all sorted out in your own mind, did you just come on here so we would all bow down and agree how clever you are?

The OP mentioned nothing about the PTA. I think people are seeing themselves in the post so are being defensive.

and they funniest thing is, its usally the ones that think theres no bitching are the ones that get bitched about the most

i actually had someone say to me she doesnt know anyone bitchy at school .....
yet we both know all the same mothers from school, dc in the same year.
and shes one of the names that is always getting a slating from various angles
her names comes up more than anyone elses

and i thought no, its not that you don't know anyone thats bitchy, you just don't realise its you there are bitchy about, but i wouldnt ever say that as i wouuldnt want to hurt her feelings
ignorance is bliss in a way

but ive heard the people she thinks are her really close friends

comlaining that shes a nightmare and too bossy

her kids are a nightmare and not well behaved

shes too involved with too many groups[church toddler group preschool commitee and primary school helpers, that she always forgets things and never does anything properly]

i feel sorry for her about this, because she really does do alot of things for other people and you never her og such and such has done a good job of xyz, you only hear oh shes forgotton to do that or shes missed this

that shes a booster ............blah blah blah.

whathaveiforgottentoday, i havent said anything about so called cliques at the school gate
or the pta
so don't make it up please!

at least the pta get a few things done like new equipment etc

Hmmm, so you're standing there listening to people being bitchy about someone but you don't bother defending her or letting her know they're badmouthing her behind her back when all she's trying to do is help. You sound lovely, OP.