To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

[Blackmouse]

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

Like any group situation it is dependant on the particular group, I have experienced the good and the ugly. DS1 made one close friends and knew lots of lovely parents to chat to and have coffee with, whereas DD class had a few organiser mums and having a disabled son my socialising is restricted and you where either in or out. It was hard for the kids whose parents where out as the friendship where being made out of the classroom (ball pits, camping and loads more). Luckily by year three it had all imploded but not without scars.

The School Gate is a very specific "society", and your approach to it has to depend very much on:

(1) what you want to get out of it (whether you want to make friends, or need to know about your child's environment in order to help him/her); and

(2) what the rest of that society is like (whether it's co-operative or competitive; balance of SAHPs and WOHPs; how well the school itself communicates, so the burden of mediating children's relationships is not borne by parents, and so what's happening at school is transparent to all, rather than power going to the "information gate-keepers" in the playground, who have older children, or who help out at school or who are friends with teachers)

The last point is the most dangerous one, and that's where your OP is wrong, Blackmouse, because there is wisdom in keeping abreast of what is happening at school, especially with teacher/class changes at this time of year, and general morale issues.

However, I do wish it were possible to keep abreast of school politics without having to commit to the very time-intensive social exchange! Things go on at our school which I would really like to know about, to help DS; however, I've been rebuffed in a good few overtures, and it does sting. Even though I know I haven't "put in the effort" with the information gate-keepers, I'm annoyed that they actually have any power and that the school is letting them have that power.

Agree with posters who ask what you are supposed to do as a newcomer to the area. I'm very grateful of the other mums I have met and who have made me feel very welcome when I knew nobody from the area.

YABU in my opinion.