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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

228 replies

Blackmouse · 05/04/2014 23:04

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/04/2014 18:33

Ah, that's the difference, I always think there's room in my life for another friend.

lavenderhoney · 06/04/2014 18:40

Oh god no. I arrived in a new area, knew no one and on my first day at the new school a mum got her dc out of the car, spotted me and shouted " are you new?" And when I nodded she bustled over and shook my hand, and said " welcome to the school"

And she is lovely.

Everyone chats about their day at pick up. We all gravitate to who we like and feel an affinity with, of course, but its lovely. Everyone is so kind and helpful to each other. Its like a rl mn:) Maybe I'm missing an undercurrent of bitchiness but so far my main thought has been " ooh, great, a chance to chat"

thebody · 06/04/2014 18:46

Mm don't really subscribe to this arnt women bitchy crap.

I have met and made loads of acquaintances and some really great friends in the school run.

I have met twats too but that's the same as everywhere.

thebody · 06/04/2014 18:51

lavender what a lovely post.

Mignonette · 06/04/2014 19:40

That is nice to read Lavender.

Re other comments-

However whilst it is good to have the attitude of 'always room for one more friend' that fact is that when every moment of your week is accounted for and you barely have time to spend with the friends you do have, there may not be room for anymore. Not if you don't want to neglect the ones you already have and friendships need some kind or presencing whether actual or online.

And acquaintance and friend is not the same. Polite hello's at the start and end of school day- even school gate chat does not mean 'friends' to everybody. I would class that as an acquaintance. To me a friend is somebody who could bang on my door at 3 a.m to ask for support, someone who I am close to.

I imagine that most people only have a handful of true close friendships and that those who have the 800 'friends' on FB maybe lose sight of what a 'friend' is as opposed to acquaintance.

aquashiv · 06/04/2014 19:47

Not sure I avoided getting involved for ages but have actually now for bav really nice bunch of mums who are friends.
We laugh at the cliques but we are one ourselves

Ragwort · 06/04/2014 19:51

I am like Lavender - we moved three times when DS was at primary school and I am very grateful for those mums who made friendly gestures and got me 'involved'. Of course there is a big difference between acquaintances and friends but when you are new to an area you have to make friends and hope that they will be the people you can bang on the door at 3am if there is an emergency. Grin

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/04/2014 20:02

I could bang on the door of a lot of my school gate friends at 3am and they could me, in fact it's far more likely than with my other friends because we all live very close by each other.

hoppinghare · 06/04/2014 20:02

What on earth are you talking about OP? People are just people whether you meet them at the school gates, at work, through friends or from living next door. If you don't like people that is your preference. Are you different than everybody else? Better?

3boys3dogshelp · 06/04/2014 20:16

I feel very lucky that my kids go to a very friendly school and since they started there i feel more a part of the ccommunity. We moved for work before having children and live in a large village with not many facilities so not much chance to meet people before. You have to do the school run every day for a long time how sad to never make an effort with people. All good friends start as acquaintances surely?

rookiemater · 06/04/2014 20:17

I think it's slightly sad to close oneself off to the possibility of making new friends.

Just recently I have started talking a bit more to one of the mums from DS's class. Our DCs aren't particular pals so our paths hadn't crossed that much, but we are going to the same place on holiday in the summer ( different weeks) so we have been chatting a bit more and realised that we have quite a lot in common.

I'm pretty busy and she probably is too, so unless our DS's become friends then I doubt we will become more than acquaintances, but I'd like to think that if she needed someone to help with pick up or had a child care problem, that she could ask me as I'd be happy to help and hopefully vice versa.

Like lavenderhoney I quite enjoy my wee chats at the school gate. As I'm part time at work everything is a rush, as is getting to the school on time to pick up DS, so it's nice to kind of change gear as it were, by talking about nonsense. I can't recall that we have ever commented on school collection fashions Hmm - I have maybe mentioned that I like a coat, but that's about as far as it goes.

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2014 20:18

Well they probably won't fall out with anyone bit they probably won't make any friends either.
I've got some lovely school my friends and have never had any trouble at all. That wasn't my intention, I was friendly at first so my children don't miss out but it turned out well for me too.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 20:19

I would also qualify people I only talk to outside school as acquaintances. But the 150 or so school parents I regularly email or text and see at our homes, parties, lunches etc etc and who we all call on among ourselves for help - they are friends.

lavenderhoney · 06/04/2014 20:19

I think we all use it as a chance to chat- its acquaintance rather than friendship, although obviously sahm have more chance to develop a friendship than people rushing about. Its a slow burn all round, I've found. Friendship can't be rushed:)

Mums who race about and rarely do pick are, I have noticed, offered the same casual chance to chat. There are a few dads too, who enjoy the " how are you? Terrible weather eh?" Or " x did well at the gala, didn't she?"

Its kindness. Not competitive and intrusive.

thebody · 06/04/2014 20:22

school gates sneering is a bit like the school run sneering.

For some reason people take the piss out if women driving their kids to school and making friends at school pick ups/drop offs.

Funny really.

monkeynuts123 · 06/04/2014 20:26

What? Every woman who has children at school is competitive, cliquey, fawny and bitchy? Isn't that around 90% of the adult female population? I have always noticed that the women who think other women are up to tricks, bitching and fawning and the like are either up to it themselves or desperate for acceptance following some hideous teenage rejection issue in the playground. Fgs you are picking your kids up from school. End of.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 06/04/2014 20:29

Its kindness. Not competitive and intrusive.

This is my experience, nicely put Lavender

TheLadyRadishes · 06/04/2014 20:41

Ours seems OK to me, but then I'm on the periphery and don't know about any of the bitching that might or might not happen. If there's a clique I'm so far from being in it that I don't even know about it...

I am quite happy to stare into space and don't care if no one talks to me - however I am friends with a handful of other parents so I will chat to them if I see them. However we are not really a group, I tend chat to people individually. But I have noticed that we are all the slight odds-and-ends types - scruffy, awkward, or minorities in various ways. Like the ones who used to get picked last for the sports team :o

FunLovinBunster · 06/04/2014 20:50

I'm with you OP.
I sit in my car doing coursework or reading rather than join the hair flicky/air kissing wankers who care more about organising their social lives than their kids being safe in busy school car park.
It's much easier to just be polite when necessary but otherwise stay out of it. They all eventually turn on each other anyway.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 06/04/2014 21:02

I sit in my car doing coursework or reading rather than join the hair flicky/air kissing wankers who care more about organising their social lives than their kids being safe in busy school car park.
Not sure where your school is but I've never seen any hair flicky/air kissing wankers and there are certainly no cars in the school playground so no risk of the kids being run over so it generally quite safe to have a quick pleasant chat to pass the time.

elQuintoConyo · 06/04/2014 21:15

hair flicky ass kissing wankers sounds like a contortionist's act I once saw in Benidorm when Sticky Vicky had to cancel.

DS starts school this September. I plan on joining thePITA PTA and becoming a Heather Grin

Mignonette · 06/04/2014 21:25

I would like to have lunches or party with 150 people and text/chat on the phone.

However I'd probably never have had time to dress myself though. Something would have to have given in my already busy life Confused. That level of socialising simply wouldn't have worked with my life and I assume this could be a factor for some other working parents (not all).

Expat communities and international schools are very different to small town or village schools- even city schools. Having spent the first half of my childhood going to them, a place where most parents and children were displaced from their country (and language) of origin I can attest that when you arrive you feel the need to make acquaintances fast and to tap into local knowledge. And that goes for most of the other families. The school community is stability in a world where people (and your friends) often come and go.

My cousins who were forces brats (I wasn't one) have said the same too. You sink or swim and you learn to form communities very swiftly and disengage very swiftly.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 21:37

I don't live in an expat community though, Mignonette. I live in a stable, low turnover community with many mixed marriages.

TheLadyRadishes · 06/04/2014 21:39

I never go to meet-ups and social events organised by school parents, except the things that are mainly for the DC. I really do not have time and I find forced socialising incredibly hard work. The only way it would be bearable would be to go with a friend and only talk to them, which would be rude. It's not personal though - it's just not my thing.

MargotLovedTom · 06/04/2014 21:40

I find this attitude a bit bizarre - as if perfectly normal people would become monstrous bitches as soon as they set foot through the school gates. You're either have bitchy tendencies or you don't, the schoolyard setting is irrelevant.

Also, the little catty comment about overhearing women talking about their summer 'uniform' of maxi dress and denim jacket? Well, so what? Does one really expect to overhear conversations about the situation in Crimea or a cure for cancer in the minutes waiting for the bell?

Finally, I agree with thebody up thread: it seems to yet another way of women sniping at women. I find it difficult to imagine an alternate universe where men start threads looking down on the other dads who talk to eachother at the touch line of their kids' football matches, who perhaps even go for a pint as a group to have a bit more craic and a laugh in a sociable atmosphere. It wouldn't bloody happen.