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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

228 replies

Blackmouse · 05/04/2014 23:04

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackmouse · 06/04/2014 16:26

why would i tell her?when it would only hurt her and i have stuck up for her actually

OP posts:
blanchedeveraux · 06/04/2014 16:28

Aw, how "wise" of you.

Original poster
Blackmouse · 06/04/2014 16:28

i've said to others when ive heard her being slatted, oh i feel sorry for [name]
because shes always doing good things for xyz good cause and people never comment of the ood stuff she does, they only comment when she forgets somethig or misses something

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 16:30

I think our school gate must be very different to some! I find the other parents are mostly friendly, supportive and very keen to be part of a huge, active international community.

blanchedeveraux · 06/04/2014 16:31

Exactly Bonsoir, that's been my experience too.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 16:40

I also find that, as the years go by, the school gate gets ever more friendlier - for DD, who is in her seventh year there, most of the DC and their parents are "part of the furniture" they are so familiar and people rub along with the ease of familiarity despite their many differences. Of course there are a few nightmare parents who cause trouble but they have got very isolated over the years.

I8toys · 06/04/2014 16:43

I'll give you an example of the two faced types we have in my ds2's year.

My son's year is an awkward cohort. Year 3 - 20 boys and 10 girls in each class of 30. My son's class has very rambunctious boys in it with lots of falling out and fighting. They are 8 so time to mature is needed.

We merge classes end of year 4. The class next door has written a letter above the head (who to I don't know LEA?) to say they don't want their children mixing with the "bully class" - these are mums who socialise and mix together and discuss all kinds of shite twice daily but probably wouldn't say it to the bullies' mums faces.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 16:47

I'm not sure why you object to that. It sounds eminently sensible for a group of mothers not to tackle other mothers about an issue that can only be resolved at school level.

TattyDevine · 06/04/2014 16:48

I like the school run thing. I'm not one of the alpha mum types practicing mum-upmanship at the gates but I have a little group of like minded people who all live near me now who enhance my social life. They are just part of my social life, but a nice addition.

I don't mind trading favours with them either, the emphasis on "trading". As a SAHM I am a soft target for bailing people out when it goes tits up and they have to work and whilst I'm happy to help I always make sure I get a favour back!

Nobody is particularly competitive or overdressed or anything at our school though, its quite small and in a horsey village and pretty friendly.

I8toys · 06/04/2014 16:49

Because they have got the wrong information to start with. They are going on rumour and speculation which is exactly where it all starts with playground gossip.

juneau · 06/04/2014 16:49

Another utterly bizarre MN thread. I'm so glad my DS doesn't go to a school like some of you describe! The mums I know are mainly friendly and nice. We all make an effort to be pleasant and say hello. We have nights out a couple of times a year, a few coffee mornings for anyone who is around, and regular play dates with several of the kids and their mums and siblings. On the whole its been a very positive experience. Put your headphones on, drop and go? How very odd and prickly!

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 16:52

I think that the LEA is best placed to judge and take a decision. It is not parents' place to fight such matters out between them!

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 16:53

TattyDevine - I agree with all you say on trading favours!

Mignonette · 06/04/2014 16:56

I can honestly say I have never thought it prickly that parents don't want to socialise with me or others at the school gate. I assume they are either too busy to stay behind (jobs to go to etc) or that it isn't their thing. I know I wasn't being prickly, just didn't have the time to spare.

There's a whole world between ignoring everybody or smiling politely/saying hello, dropping off and going yourself.

I8toys · 06/04/2014 16:56

Thing is Bonsoir - they are so mis-informed I am not sure who is leading the charge but they don't even know when the classes are merging. To lable a whole class a "bully class" - is another topic entirely and smacks of precious parenting.

What the hell are they going to do when there PFB goes to high school. To be honest I don't want my son mixing with a bunch of pansies - we are toughening him up for the high school experience at an early age!

Sorry Blackmouse to hijack.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 17:05

Parents clearly don't agree here which is why the correct course of action is to alert the authorities. I really don't understand your problem - you are free to write to the LEA (or whomever) and present your case too.

AmberLeaf · 06/04/2014 17:09

'Keep themselves to themselves'

What do people think this means exactly?

I keep myself to myself, I am still friendly, I smile back at people and say hello. I help with PTA things if I can.

Keeping yourself to yourself, means being reserved, or selective about who you get involved with.

If you get chatty with someone at the gym for eg and they become a pain, or you find that you just don't like them/their views etc [not everyone will get on!] then you can go at a different time, it is easy to avoid.

School is different, you have to be there at the same time every day for 7 years.

Not so easy to shake off a PITA when you have to see them so regularly.

Having children who are the same age as a common denominator, doesn't mean you have anything else in common with a person, so it is not mean, or unfriendly, to hang back a bit before you go feet first into a 'friendship' with someone you don't know.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 17:09

At my DD's school there are five parallel classes and the DC get mixed up every year. Obviously there are issues between DC that sometimes require parents to request that their child not be in the same class as another - we shall be making one such request for DD for next year - but that is not a matter for parents to discuss with other parents, only to be brought to the attention of the decision-making authorities.

Mignonette · 06/04/2014 17:10

Discretion is the better part of valour as Esther Dearborn once wrote.

I8toys · 06/04/2014 17:12

Bonsoir - my problem is that they have the wrong info and are going on playground rumour and speculation. They have heard "tales" in the playground and are misinformed. They have gone above the headmaster and governors to the LEA. I am not sure what this could possibly achieve apart from antagnoising a lot of people and embarrasing themselves.

They thought (wrongly) that our classes were merging a year earlier because of the bullying issue. They are completely wrong. A group of loud mouthed mums who have had a discussion at the local wine bar amongst discussing reading levels and have decided to make a stand. I understand that you can go to the LEA -no objection there whatsoever but be correct in what you are talking about.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2014 17:15

It doesn't matter if they are wrongly informed - that is for the LEA to ascertain. They have every right to raise matters of concern to them with the authorities and should avoid tackling the parents of DC whom they deem troublesome. This is what they have done.

I8toys · 06/04/2014 17:17

Let's hope the LEA will see sense. Power to the people - even if they are clearly wrong!

Minifingers · 06/04/2014 18:05

It always surprises me how paranoid mumsnetters are about socialising at the school gate.

My children go to a school where a large number of the parents are new immigrants. Very few middle class families, lots of young mothers. I see talking to the other mums and showing an interest in their children as being community spirited. Some of the new immigrant mums know no one. What would they think of this country if they saw other parents at the school daily avoiding eye contact and being standoffish? It stinks. You can talk to people in the playground and make friends without having to act like a school kid yourself you know...

Kaekae · 06/04/2014 18:12

The only thing that annoys me are the parents who force their friendships onto their children, insisting their children play together and isolating everyone else. I feel sorry for their children.

Namechangeforamo · 06/04/2014 18:15

Yanbu. Never had any notion of matking friends with someone just because they had a child the same age as any of mine. I have enough friends thank god

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