To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

[Blackmouse]

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

Good question Thurlow!

My son didn't attended his first peer birthday party till he was in year 7 at high school

Yes I had friends but not local to me (I work an hour from home and didn't grow up here), so no one I could meet up with at soft play/for coffee in the daytime/ask to look after dd in an emergency. Now I have - and I met most of those people through postnatal group and school. And as their children are dd's friends I know she'll be happy with them so it's win win.

You can't assume that every Mum that befriends you at the school gate is nice or sincere.

Look around, quietly. You'll spot the PTA/fundraiser/member of everything types immediately. They'll make a bee-line for you and try to sound you out and sign you up.

Then make note of the "I must go in to the teacher daily about the look Freddie gave him" ones. Keep your distance. That one's paranoid and your child might be the next target.

Note the clique in the corner, they're discussing the £300 cardigan which the pregnant SAHM of 3 wears. I won't say they're jealous but that glow coming off them isn't because they've had their Ready Brek this morning.

Watch for the "My PFB is perfect" type. They'll corner you to ask what reading book your child is on just to tell you that of course Jacintha is three stages higher. That's after they've cornered the teacher for twenty minutes every afternoon to collect the next book and discuss Jacintha's talent.

Listen out for the sound of a whack and a child sobbing in pain followed by a weak sing-songy whine of "Now Freddie, we must-n't hit people, mu-st we?", followed by another whack, another howl of agony and a vaguely disappointed "Oh Freddie ... "

Watch out for the high flying career mum who whizzes in twice a term, picks up in the topless Merc and whizzes out again with only time for a smile and a "Good afternoon!", leaving the nanny, a reserved woman with a smile for everyone but who never says a word out of place because she's paid for her discretion as much as for her childcare skills, to do the school run the rest of the year.

Some you won't need to avoid of course. They'll identify their own kind by their accent and clothing and if you're not wearing the Boden uniform you won't fit in anyway.

Then, when you've taken note of all that, follow the lead of the career mum and the nanny.

I do wonder if this is a London thing. I'm not good friends with the mums of the children in DS's class but I am friendly with the mums of all the boys in his year (there are only 4 oothers) and they all seem normal. Friendly, polite, interested in others, caring, as much as you'd expect in the average person.

or maybe that means I'm the one :o

One Mum quickly befriended me and within a week my DC was off to her house for tea straight from school. Fantastic!

About 6 months later it came to light that she had had most of the class home individually for tea and played 'schools' with them to test where they were up to with their reading and writing compared to her PFB.

to those who are saying that their child wasn't invited to parties etc, may I ask if you sent out invites first? I tend to think these things are reciprocal when my daughter has received them but I might be wrong as she is younger (pre-school). I wouldn't take them personally. I always invite those who have invited my daughter. I have made 2 good adult friends from pre-school but wouldn't have been remotely arsed if I hadn't. Also, children extra-curricular clubs, cousins - they are just as valid as school friends and they have parties too. School is a small part of a child's life. As an aside, anyone who is sad enough to set up an exclusive club to get a limo for Year 6 kids is pathetic in an amusing way- that will be a very distant memory when they are in Year 11 as will all this primary school bollocks. Maybe I have all this to come and just don't understand the politics yet, I will no doubt be back here crying in 18 months

I disagree at My DC's previous school the PTA would never hunt anyone out. It was invitation only. And only if your DH/DP had their own business. They only wanted a acertain type. If you went to the local hockey club you were just about acceptable. Meetings were held in their homes.A sign of PTA memeber was the ones who double kissed the HT in the playground.Yeuk! None of that crap at the DC's new school. Thank god.

mars, that description of the PTA members is scarily familiar. It was pretty much like that in my DC's old school, the only difference being that the members were identifiable by the use of "Dorothy" when speaking of the head instead of "Dr X".

Hooby I can honestly say that I don't recognise any of those people. Maybe it is a London thing then (I'm in wales, smallish school of 200 students)

AP, I'm not in London. This was in a well to do area of another, generally affluent and middle class city.

*Tbh I always think these threads say more about the poster than the ones they are griping about.

School gate angst is ridiculous. The analogy of work is good. Just colleagues. That's all needed. Why do you feel these people should be your bosom buddies just because your kid is in same class? Are you best friends with everyone at work?!*

Agreed.

However you'll probably be seeing the school parents a lot more socially than your work colleagues, so it's nice to be friendly. And you never know, one or two true friendships might develop.

There was a fight outside my daughter's school the other day between two mum's. Not sure what about though. It was proper fisticuffs and everything although I missed it due to being at work grrr. The LSA had to separate them and the head teacher came and told them off!!

Im still finding all this a bit strange. Not everybody has to be your friend. Some will, some won't. Thats true of every aspect of life. If some people took their focus away from the cliquey people generally they'd find others who aren't aiming to get into any clique, just normal friendly people. I assume they're good enough to be friends with, aren't they? School gate/life isn't the be all and end all. Some of the birthday party threads on here I find incredulous, too - the ones where its expected that child is invited to every party going, as long as in same class. All of it just seems another way to criticise women, en masse. There is good and bad everywhere and its just the same at the school gate.

Hooby I recognised every one of your examples, and each one made me smile. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I no longer have to do the school run. Horrible, horrible cliques, horrible head teacher & (mainly) weak horrible staff.
'nice' Cheshire school of 150 pupils, btw.

There are a lot of variables. The school DC1 started at had 50 children in the whole school and his YR class was of 15, so a much reduced possibility of finding like minded parents IYKWIM.

If he had gone to the nearer, bigger school with 3 Reception classes of 30 intake it would have been a v different experience.

I am in London. Only do school run twice a week as working but all the parents are lovely, friendly, inclusive and helpful.

hooby - I prefer not to break individuals down to Sunday Times stereotypes for my creative writing class/blog, and actually, you know, talk to people as opposed to sneering behind their backs. I find the majority of folks to be quite nice.

If you do have a lovely school gate experience do make the most of it. Now, I am not doing it any more. One cycles and one gets the bus.

"But flowery, it's not emotional investment really. Just hoping that at least some at the school gates might be open to possibly becoming friends, assuming there are shared interests and commonalities beyond having kids of the same age, that's all."

Well that's fine, and that's you. But as I say, judging by what you see on here, a lot of women do put an awful lot more emotional investment in it, pinning enormous hopes on the school run as a way of making good friends, and spending hours worrying about whether they've been invited for coffee by the in crowd, or feeling left out.

Usually I am just really thankful that as a working mum I have always relied on childminders and breakfast/after school clubs, which means I have done the school run the grand total of twice since ds started primary (ds is in y6). It does seem very cliquey on the rare occasion that I have gone to pick up ds I feel like a social outcast. Recently I have felt like ds has been a little disadvantaged by it because none of the parents know me (he doesn't get invited to people's homes often etc). But generally I prefer to keep out of the politics. It's bad enough with the neighbours. One of the pitfalls of small towns!

Well I must be very sad then as I have a really lovely group of friends; all met on the school run.

We chat and hang about to chat before and after school. If it is nice we go to the park after school or meet up at the weekend to do so. We do weekend bike rides with the kids. We go for long walks, in the woods, at weekends. We go out when we can for nights out. We go running together - well just a few at a time. We have even all been away for 'girls' weekends. In fact we have another one booked for the summer.

Yes, that's right, sad.

Why does that make you sad cece? Sounds lovely to me. :) You are lucky.