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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mums that keep themselves to themselves a bit, at the school gates etc, are actually rather wise

228 replies

Blackmouse · 05/04/2014 23:04

I don't mean, don't be friendly and chat about your day etc

I just mean some of these mums get sooooo involved in everything
Nights out, fb, school things
And it often leads to trouble
And so many of these friendships seem so fake
And involved ALOT of rivalry bitching completion
You stand there and listen to people chatting and none or listening to the other, they just want to talk about what they are doing, it's quite hilarious really they way they try to change the subject back onto themselves

I know I'm lucky as I live close to where I grew up so had family nearby and decent friends, friends it truly care about and that care about me

But I've distanced myself from a group I was getting into and boy it's a relief

OP posts:

stuckindamiddle · 06/04/2014 08:41

I agree Harrietvane. Hopefully not everyone thinks like this as not all of us live where we grew up with a ready made circle of friends....

flowery · 06/04/2014 08:45

"You don't have to be everybody's best mate but niceness goes along way."

You are entitled to your view that not investing in the school run for a social life is a "silly attitude", but why assume that those do take that path aren't "nice"?

I smile and say hello to people, and might sometimes chat briefly to mums of DS1's friends if I happen to be standing near them. I'm perfectly nice.

Marylou2 · 06/04/2014 08:46

Oh this is very sad, particularly for new starters in September if mums are hoping to make some new friends.My DD is in Y2 and I've met some lovely, mutually supportive and talented women that I now consider to be friends.

flowery · 06/04/2014 08:50

"Hopefully not everyone thinks like this as not all of us live where we grew up with a ready made circle of friends.... "

I don't have a ready made circle of friends locally. But I don't think making a big emotional investment in the assumption that a big group of people who happen to have children will be a good source of friends is sensible. And judging by the angsty threads about it you see on here, I'm absolutely right.

rookiemater · 06/04/2014 08:51

I find these threads weird. I'm a friendly person - I arranged our last mums night out, everyone was invited,some never come and others do.
There is one mother at the school gate who isn't my type- primarily because she knows which reading group each dc is in and I feel that she should just worry about her own dc not mine, but I still pass pleasantries with her.
Is it a regional thing - I'm in Scotland and I just don't recognise these cliques that are talked about?

Thurlow · 06/04/2014 08:53

There's nothing wrong with keeping your options open, is there? No, other mums and colleagues don't have to become friends for life, but if you never make an effort then you might be missing out on someone who you could be very good friends with, cos you've classed them as just a "mum" or a "colleague".

parkin2010 · 06/04/2014 08:55

Do none of you work though? I dont mean that to sound funny but dropping my kid off at school before work etc would be a quick process, I can't imagine even really taking in whoever else is there, let alone being bothered about them. Anyone who has time to stand around in a school playground before the bell goes I would feel a mixture of pity/ envy for really. I always feel like I'm missing understanding something when people bring this up- just turn up when the bell goes, be polite to people, go, job done.

Lilaclily · 06/04/2014 09:02

Some of my best friends are people I used to work with

AmandinePoulain · 06/04/2014 09:02

You feel pity for me because I get to school a few minutes early so chat whilst I'm waiting? Ok...

And yes I work, if that makes a difference. And I didn't know many local people before I had dd1, since having her though I've built up a support network via postnatal groups and the school run, I wouldn't have done so if I'd gone in with the attitude in the op so I'm glad I didn't!

Ragwort · 06/04/2014 09:03

I agree with Rookie - I have never come across cliques or unfriendly behaviour - yes, there will be always be people you gravitate towards and get on with better but really I do think some of the stories you read on here must be taken with a pinch of salt or some people have massive chips on their shoulder. You constantly read on Mumsnet (and I've been here for over 12 years ) that people find it hard to make friends and then you read about all the bitchiness etc - I have never known bitchiness - perhaps it helps that I don't use Facebook and rely on old fashioned good manners and proactive behaviour to make friends. .

I have an acquanitance who complains that she never makes friends or is involved in anything but quite honestly she never makes any effort with other people, looks down her nose at most of the other parents and would be the last person in the world to offer to help with a cake sale or similar - it's no wonder some people can't make friends.

Due to house moves my DS had to move to three different primary schools and I made a new crowd of friends at each one - and yes, I was happy and willing to join the PTA .

Lilaclily · 06/04/2014 09:03

Parkin - some people work evenings / weekends
Or part time

It's not so hard to understand is it??

Backtobedlam · 06/04/2014 09:03

Each to their own, but I've made some fab friends through school. In the beginning the whole year had meals together etc and then from there I've found a few people who I genuinely get on well with and can see as lifelong friends. You can't just cut out an entire group of people as potential friends just because they are mums on the school run! Admittedly not everyone will be your best friend, but unless you make some effort you could miss out on meeting some lovely people, with dc's the same age...makes holidays, day trips, sleepovers etc so much more fun if dc's have a friend and so do I!

parkin2010 · 06/04/2014 09:04

No if you enjoy it. But it seems the majority on here don't , so why do it? That's just bizarre.

Sparklingbrook · 06/04/2014 09:07

I think the thing is when they start in Reception you are so keen to make friends and be in on what's happening that you fall over yourself to chat.
By year 4 when they left I couldn't wait to get away from most of them and had nothing to say.

GoneGirlGone · 06/04/2014 09:08

How odd. Seems to be that some people expect the worst from others. Go to school with a sunny attitude and a smile on your face and you may well end up with a whole new group of friends. I simply don't recognise the cliques and bitching so many talk about. Those who do would do well to focus less on themselves and open up to others a bit more. Most people are lovely.

Lilaclily · 06/04/2014 09:09

Parkin - at my school though the bell goes at the end if the day & then you have to wait for the kids to come out
It's nice to chat while you wait

Thurlow · 06/04/2014 09:09

Do people only accept new friends if they've met them in particular social circumstances - so not work or school?

Ragwort · 06/04/2014 09:15

I think it is probably skewed in that people who find it cliquey or hard to make friends come on Mumsnet to comment moan about it, the rest of us have happily made a crowd of new friends and so don't need to post much about it. .

Amandine makes another good point, it is so useful to have a group of friends that you can share activities/ad-hoc child care arrangements/sleepovers with etc. As we have never had family nearby it has been essential to build up a new network of contacts. Again it's something you see on Mumsnet, people saying they have no one to help them in an emergency .

parkin2010 · 06/04/2014 09:16

Yeah it's nice to chat and always nice to make a nice new friend or two, but if people seemed boring or had the wasted time to stand around being cliquey like people said here it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'd just find it mildly amusing and find them very sad. I'd also enjoy the luxury of my warm house and have a brew for 10 minutes if I was going to waste my time stood there with numpties as an alternative. Surely people have friends before work/babies/school? I just don't see the big deal about school runs at all, I actually thought it was just rubbish spouted by the media.

Fusedog · 06/04/2014 09:19

Yes we had a school gate mafia at my sons primary school it was awful

Because I wasn't part of the in crowd my son got invited to nil play dates and birthdays so from year 1 to year 6 my son attended not one playdate or birthday party it makes me laugh because most of the children didn't even play together but because there mums were part of the mafia it was really bad even in year 6 they clubbed together getting limos ECt very sad they used to organise trips out and as there were only about 19 children in my sons class you could imagine that only about 7 children were left out

stuckindamiddle · 06/04/2014 09:20

But flowery, it's not emotional investment really. Just hoping that at least some at the school gates might be open to possibly becoming friends, assuming there are shared interests and commonalities beyond having kids of the same age, that's all.

Sparklingbrook · 06/04/2014 09:20

I am not in touch with any Mums that I stood outside the school gate with 10 years ago when DS1 started YR.

Fusedog · 06/04/2014 09:20

Add message | Report | Message poster GoneGirlGone Sun 06-Apr-14 09:08:02
How odd. Seems to be that some people expect the worst from others. Go to school with a sunny attitude and a smile on your face and you may well end up with a whole new group of friends. I simply don't recognise the cliques and bitching so many talk about. Those who do would do well to focus less on themselves and open up to others a bit more. Most people are lovely.

rookiemater · 06/04/2014 09:21

Parkin - I work but pt so I can pick ds up from school some days, it's usually a manic rush to get there for the bell, then they get out late!
I enjoy a good chat whilst waiting.

MrsCampbellBlack · 06/04/2014 09:21

I've made good friends through work and through my children's school.

As I don't live where I grew up then both of those places provided an easy place to make friends.

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