Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To tell my Mil to get back to the 1950's?

106 replies

GossamerHailfilter · 05/04/2014 18:25

Today is BIL's birthday. I reminded DH 3 days ago it was his brothers birthday.

MIL rings and says that BIL doesn't have a card from us. Of course he doesn't because DH hasn't sent one.

Her exact words were 'well you are the wife and SAHM so you should have got one, written in it and sent it'.

OP posts:

mynamesnotwendy · 05/04/2014 18:26

Yep agree. My dh the same.

Forgettable · 05/04/2014 18:27

Not your problem

Grrr

AlpacaPicnic · 05/04/2014 18:29

Gah! I hate this attitude that cards are the 'women's job'
I can feel the disapproval from my MIL when DH forgets some family members birthday...

But DH doesn't care about cards. It's not a 'man thing' it's a 'him thing' he just doesn't get cards or birthdays etc. and I respect his right to feel that way so I'm not going to send one on his behalf to people I don't know.

Topseyt · 05/04/2014 18:30

I am a SAHM and a wife. I get and send the cards for my side of the family, and my husband does the same for his side. Occasionally if he asks me to get something because he will be short of time then I do, but generally he likes to choose his own anyway.

Did you remind your husband to get and send the card? Mine is forgetful, so the odd reminder can be needed.

Other than that, you are not being unreasonable. It is none of your MIL's business how you and your husband organise things like this. If anything she should be berating your husband for forgetting his brother's birthday.

RandomMess · 05/04/2014 18:31

YANBU

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried · 05/04/2014 18:33

My MIL is the same! DP forgot his dads birthday and MIL blamed ME! But then again MIL does everything for her DH and two sons that still live at home. She buys their clothes, cards and presents from them (even her own!), she does their washing, cooking and cleans up after them. Her DH and sons never lift a finger lazy bastards. MIL will ask them once, and if it doesn't get done straight away she'll jump up herself and huff saying 'I'll just do it myself then.'

Corabell · 05/04/2014 18:34

Tell your MIL that she is his mother and if she had brought him up properly he would have sent his brother a card himself!

YouTheCat · 05/04/2014 18:35

Is his brother even that bothered?

Amy106 · 05/04/2014 18:40

How about an e card?

Nomama · 05/04/2014 18:41

Weeoooooh! Corabell. Perfect solution

ICanSeeTheSun · 05/04/2014 18:43

I always sort out birthday cards and presents.

I love my IL and I want to send cards and gifts for their birthday.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/04/2014 18:45

I tend to make the cards for all family, so if a card isn't done I do get the blame. However for friends of DH I expect him to sort them, I remind him but draw the line there.
YANBU. You reminded him of the birthday, that is more than enough help for a grown man. He should take the blame. I would be tempted to set him up with a moonpig account (or similar) get him to spend one evening choosing cards and set them up to be delivered to your house to be signed a week before the birthdays. That way the card comes to him and he just needs to spend one evening sorting the whole family, from the comfort of the sofa.
Then no more sulking in laws, and DH has no need to be reminded.

Aventurine · 05/04/2014 18:52

Yes my MIL is the same. Sending cards is women's work apparently. There was much hilarity from her and my SIL when my dh changed dd's nappy too. (Women's work you see.) Washing up = women's work. The men sit on their arses. My MIL thinks that women should have a good career and pay their way and do all household and kid stuff as well. Men should just have a job. Luckily she lives in a different hemisphere from me.

WineSpider · 05/04/2014 18:56

She brought him up so if it's anyone's problem other than your DH's then it could be hers, but not yours.

I remember birthdays and get cards for my side of the family, DH does his side. I buy Christmas presents for my side, DH sorts his side out.

It's about taking responsibility for what is important to you. If it's not important then fine, but if it is then your DH needs to recognise that is what is implied when forgetting a family members birthday. And that is certainly not your responsibility - whether or not you are a SAHM.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2014 18:58

I'd have laughed at her. And what Corabell said.

No, I don't remind, either. He is an adult, he has a phone that will deliver reminders.

Not.my.problem.

thebody · 05/04/2014 19:00

I always did the cards for the kids of both sides of the family until 18. Then I figure that an adult really doesn't need a bloody birthday card.

Waste of money.

I imagine your bil is like your dh and most men and couldn't gives shit.

My lads wouldn't dream of sending each other cards. Men don't care.

Tell her to do one and laugh.

dimdommilpot · 05/04/2014 19:01

My MIL is the same. Drives me mad.
She once told me i was lazy cos i dared to say a cleaner would make life easier. Her exact words "thats laziness, i only had a cleaner when i worked full time" my response "i work 8hr less than your son, that 8hr is spent entertaining his (our) child, i then spend the rest of my life tidying up after said child and said son, do not call me lazy for saying a cleaner would make life easier".
She will also only talk to me about anything to do with the house, housework, childcare etc!

BurningBridges · 05/04/2014 19:06

"D"H had always insisted how important his family were to him, so much more than me of course. And that he didn't see them much because I was an awful person and they couldn't reasonably be expected to stay in the same room as me. I didn't make arrangements for him to see them either, so no wonder he never heard from them or was never invited to anything. So, a few years ago, I stopped reminding DH when his beloved family's birthdays were. None have received a card since, and as a result, they all stopped sending him birthday cards.

For a while he was obviously wounded, but then came up with the excuse that's because people only say "happy birthday" on Facebook nowadays - its the new thing. (He's recently joined Facebook and seen a few people do this, and so that's why he never gets any cards, nothing to do with his family being arses, or being offended that they never receive anything from him).

Lagos · 05/04/2014 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried · 05/04/2014 21:32

Either I completely misunderstood your post Burning, or I read it correctly and your H is horrible to you!

deakymom · 05/04/2014 21:36

my mil tried this my retort was you raised him much to the delight of her husband!

Janethegirl · 05/04/2014 21:37

Only close adult family and all children under 18 get a card from me and DP, and I will send cards on DPs behalf. The rest are up to him.

thenightsky · 05/04/2014 21:38

About 10 years ago I made it known that after 15 years of marriage my turn at cards (xmas and b.day) were over and it was DH's turn for the next 15 years. Nobody has received a card ever since. I bear no guilt AT ALL

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/04/2014 22:17

Your response should could be - "I can't make up for the appalling way you brought up your son".

AdoraBell · 05/04/2014 22:36

I can't even remember when the IL's birthdays are. DH is intelligent, literate, educated and able bodied. He doesn't need me to write birthday cards.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5