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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Mil to get back to the 1950's?

106 replies

GossamerHailfilter · 05/04/2014 18:25

Today is BIL's birthday. I reminded DH 3 days ago it was his brothers birthday.

MIL rings and says that BIL doesn't have a card from us. Of course he doesn't because DH hasn't sent one.

Her exact words were 'well you are the wife and SAHM so you should have got one, written in it and sent it'.

Hmm
OP posts:
Finickynotfussy · 06/04/2014 20:54

DMIL rang to thank me for the lovely flowers DH sent her this year. Result! (I then admitted he had organised them, but I did buy her card).

parakeet · 06/04/2014 20:59

What surprises me most about this thread is not that MILs expect their DILs to become their son's personal assistant in regards to birthday card and present sending, but the DILs who happily facilitate this outdated sexist guff and chastise those of us who don't.

"Cards and stamps within reach"..."such a small thing to do" ...well then it's just as easy for him to do it, surely!

Bumbandit · 06/04/2014 21:02

Oh it isn't just me then! I have resisted and resisted and RESISTED the pressure from MIL to take on this work. DH has never, to be fair, told me that he thinks it is my job but is just SO CRAP about remembering. He even forgot his Dad's 70th.

I feel bad for them, really I do. They must feel so hurt sometimes. But it is not my job to manage my DH's relationship with other people (repeats mantra to self)

Yama · 06/04/2014 21:10

YANBU

I don't even send cards to my own parents. I am an otherwise good daughter so they still love me.

Sparklyboots · 06/04/2014 21:12

Curiosa that's not true ime. I know quite a few families where the wife works longer hours or they are about equal; I don't know of.any where the H does all the cards but plenty where the wife does.

In our house, I am the higher earner with more hours and only people I organise cards for get cards.

FrancesNiadova · 06/04/2014 21:33

I am useless at cards. I used to do them for DH' s family, but when I'd had enough of their awfulness & stopped DH didn't manage to remember them either.
I really don't see the point of cards though, (unless you have shares in Royal Mail). I'd much rather have a text or FB post wishing me a Happy Birthday & some discussion about what I'm doing, how I am, how they are, etc. Bah Humbug!

AskBasil · 06/04/2014 21:42

"Boils down to economics.In most relationships the lower earner normally organizes cards and presents for both families, usually, because he or she has more time or easier access to shops and post office. Sensible division of labour."

No that's not true. In most relationships, the lower earner is the woman, because she is the one who has given up career progression to work part time or as a SAHM and in fact she doesn't have more time than the other one - she just has more unpaid time, but in fact in terms of leisure, she has less time overall.

Read Wifework. It breaks it down. The economics of it as well.

everlong · 06/04/2014 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 07/04/2014 08:59

I don't view it as sexist at all PARAKEET, I think that I like these people and as we are married and have family together then all our family is joint . As I like to send and receive cards I do it. I would also suggest that it is a case of personalities rather than sex! I don't like the suggestion that I am somehow a lesser person than all you strong feminists because I like to buy cards and gifts for people.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/04/2014 10:37

No one is suggesting you are a lesser person cjel, people are suggesting that the expectation from others, such as the OP's MIL, that it is the wife's job to ensure these social obligations are met that is sexist.

I think there is also a lot of socialization of women to be the ones to like keeping up relationships and doing that work. I don't think we come to all our preferences in a vacuum, but that doesn't mean you don't or shouldn't enjoy it.

On a more general philosophical note, away from the feminist aspects of the issue, I'm of the "it's the thought that counts" school of thought. I find the idea of sending cards in my husband's name to his blood relatives as a bit iffy, in that it seems to misrepresent his relationship with them and usurps his opportunity to actually make his thought count. I send my MIL a separate card for birthdays as I have a relationship with her separate from my DH since I had kids. She's been a tremendous support and I want her to know how much I appreciate her. Adding DH's name would seem like an insult to him and her. Signing him on the bottom of cards to my blood relatives seems different, because they aren't going to see that as his connection to them in the same way.

Cobain · 07/04/2014 11:54

I probably come across as old fashioned but myself and dp have preference on what we do, I do cards mainly as he spends a fortune if he remembers, the same as food shopping. I despise going the tip and cutting the grass he does these and we toss a coin for the oven. I do DIY as his attention to detail is shit. We have both been SAHP over the years. But mainly we appreciate what each other does. My friend is a vocal feminist but has never touched a paintbrush, screwdriver, lawnmower etc in her life.

Lesleythegiraffe · 07/04/2014 12:03

I organise cards. presents etc for my side of the family and leave OH to do likewise for his.

Of course he can never remember their birthdays and anniversaries so they get nothing.

Luckily I don't have an interfering MiL sticking her oar in

LoonvanBoon · 07/04/2014 12:20

Good post, Boom.

possiblyprecious · 07/04/2014 12:39

The biggest issue here is that it's none of MIL's business who did or didn't send BIL a card (unless he's a child or has chosen to invite her to join in being upset about not receiving a card. Most men I know couldn't give two hoots........)

Stinklebell · 07/04/2014 12:51

We have the same argument too.

I sort my family, he sorts his. He always forgets though and MiL rings me to complain.

Last year we sent flowers to both mums for Mother's Day - she rang me to complain that DH hadn't sent a card.

Then I send up a reminder thingy on Moonpig so everything gets sent out without anyone having to remember dates. She rang me to complain that DH hadn't personally, hand written her birthday card.

She can fuck right off now

AdoraBell · 07/04/2014 13:54

If my MIL rang to complain about DH not sending cards I would take that as a message for him. To be passed on by me if he wasn't home to take the call. In terms of taking the critism for someone else's actions, or lack there of, on board I have a mental brick wall that people can talk to if they wish to.

MySweetPrince · 07/04/2014 15:06

Yanbu - My MIL is the same. A few weeks ago it was their wedding anniversary and it had totally slipped my mind. For some reason it was my fault that they didn't receive a card, even when DH apologised I got the death stare and was told that MIL always writes birthdays and anniversaries on her calender on the 1st of January to avoid forgetting. I pointed out that DH is perfectly capable of wielding a pen. I'm sure it is a generation thing - she still can't get her head around the fact that as I work full-time we share the chores.

craftynclothy · 07/04/2014 15:26

This is why I refuse to have anything to do with cards/gifts for dh's side of the family.

He once forgot to post his Dad's birthday card - I had reminded him to buy a card, write the damn thing and he still forgot to post it (I was ill at the time so couldn't send it). MIL moaned that FIL was so disappointed. They visited soon after and she told me I should have remembered and sent one. I gave the the Hmm face.

It was the second 'card' incident. She refused to give us her friend's address so we could send a thank you card for the wedding present we had received. When she visited she opened the card to 'approve' it Shock and complained that we hadn't written enough inside it we had filled the space inside the card and she told us we'd have to redo it. My response to Dh was that she can fuck right off. She refused point blank to give the card to her friend or give us the address (she was insisting we send the card to her to check it) so the friend never did get a thank you. If you're on MN, thanks Smile

We're now in the bad books because Dh didn't send a mother's day card. If she complains at me for it, I'll be pointing out that perhaps she should have brought her son up better Wink.

Ilikepancakes · 07/04/2014 16:42

YANBU - it is just as much if not more his responsibility to sort BIL's card. Anyway why does MIL do an inventory of BIL's cards?

starfishmummy · 07/04/2014 16:53

Same here. He does his side if he remembers, I do mine and kids on both sides.

But there was a phase when Mil used to send cards written as if they were from us. She also used tonsend presents too. It came to light when we were thanked for presents we hadnt sent (not that we let on!) and when kther leople commented that we had sent them two cards or gifts

ScrambledSmegs · 07/04/2014 16:56

AdoraBell (or should I call you Spike?) I couldn't be bothered with the email but I did put the hard copy in DH's pile of filing. He put it in my pile Hmm. It hung around there for a while about two months until my mum found it, asked me what it was and promptly exploded in feminist rage Grin. She binned it.

I just about managed to stop her calling MIL there and then to read her the riot act. Bit fiery, my mum.

MaxPepsi · 07/04/2014 16:59

I buy the cards and presents and I don't mind.

My in laws are into them, it would be unkind and churlish not to reciprocate.

If my DH did the buying he would spend a bloody fortune on things. He has no idea where the cheap but nice shops are and goes straight to hallmark or Clintons!!

I do however make him write his Mum's card - she knows I've purchased it but he is her only Son and it won't kill him!

parakeet · 07/04/2014 22:45

cjel I don't think you are a lesser woman. If a woman likes to send cards and presents to her husband's family, it's none of my business.

What I object to is women who criticise other women for not taking on this role, by implying we are being petty - "such a small thing".

2rebecca · 07/04/2014 23:10

I've never sent cards to my husband's relatives or remembered when their birthdays are. I have enough difficulty remembering my own crew.
If women enjoy this stuff fine but many women are just as crap at this as men, only society forgives us less if we forget so we make more effort to remember. I don't believe women are that different from men in many ways and don't think remembering birthdays, ironing ability and ability to sort washing are all on the X chromosome.

MrsKoala · 07/04/2014 23:12

I have no idea when ILs birthdays are, so couldn't remind DH or send a card even if i cared. This is the first year I have received a card from MIL. DH has no idea either when their birthday (or mine or his own) is so unless someone reminds him no one gets anything. I make sure to remind him about my birthday and his own. The rest is up to them. DH is an only child so only has 2 to remember. MIL did tell me how hurt she was and angry FIL was that DH forgot her birthday. I said she should tell him/or i would if she liked and she swore me to secrecy and said not to. So i shrugged and said up to her then. She knows what he's like, so she either reminds him and gets remembered, or she doesn't and then plays the martyr.