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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my Mil to get back to the 1950's?

106 replies

GossamerHailfilter · 05/04/2014 18:25

Today is BIL's birthday. I reminded DH 3 days ago it was his brothers birthday.

MIL rings and says that BIL doesn't have a card from us. Of course he doesn't because DH hasn't sent one.

Her exact words were 'well you are the wife and SAHM so you should have got one, written in it and sent it'.

OP posts:

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 05/04/2014 22:41

I'd tell her that as your DH is an adult you didn't think it was beyond his capabilities to buy a fecking birthday card. Stuff like this boils my piss (ooh that rhymes...)

AskBasil · 05/04/2014 22:45

Buy her a copy of Wifework for her next birthday/ christmas (whichever comes first) inscribed with the message: "I decided not to do this, hence the lack of cards"

OOAOML · 05/04/2014 22:46

I send cards to my relatives, DH sends them to his. If we have joint friends I would like to have a card from us I ask if he is doing it or I am. I started this a couple of years ago when I got fed up writing them all.

stiffstink · 05/04/2014 22:48

I've handed DH the task of his own parents' gifts/cards since last Mothers Day when I spent the whole of my first Mothers Day at their house (not having received a card/gift!)

They have either received a £10 note or fuck all.

I text his parents to say that DH is in charge of their gifts and will be round with it at some point.

I think they appreciate me more now they get fuck all!

WhispersOfWickedness · 05/04/2014 22:49

My MIL is absolutely lovely, but dis initially think that the cards were automatically my job.
For a few years after we got married, we used to have this exchange every year:
MIL: And don't forget, it's DH's granny's birthday on the 26th!
Me: Oh yes, of course, I will be sure to remind DH

Now she just normally says something like 'oh yes, before I forget... er... I will remind DH that it's his granny's birthday on the 26th...'

ScrambledSmegs · 06/04/2014 00:19

My DH is a lovely person but basically appalling at remembering to to send birthday cards to his side of the family, despite reminders. I think his mum finds it upsetting and secretly thinks it's my fault. So much so that she once emailed me a list of his family members and their respective birthdays, plus a hard copy by first class post.

She's lovely, but I was a bit .

AlpacaPicnic · 06/04/2014 00:26

Oh yes scrambled... We get a ugly calendar every year for Christmas with every member of his families birthdays, wedding anniversaries and respective ages or years written on by my mil. This is thanks to DH blaming my lack of calendar hanging in the kitchen like his fucking mother has

This years hideous monstrosity gift is laying on the window sill of the bathroom and is still open at the month of February.

TrevaronGirl · 06/04/2014 01:12

Curious title. Why the 1950s? From what I have heard, the 1950s was an extremely pleasant time.

AdoraBell · 06/04/2014 02:06

Smegs did you forward the email to DH?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 06/04/2014 02:08

TrevaronGirl....it was, if you were a man

bragmatic · 06/04/2014 02:28

I've never sent a birthday card. Ever. Or a Christmas card. My MIL is still reeling over the fact that I don't iron anything. Let alone my husband's shirts.

NorksAreMessy · 06/04/2014 07:24

I hardly ever send cards now, either, but those I do are spread equally amongst my family/friends and DHs.
Box of cards next to my desk, stamps on hand, diary on my desk - the job takes about one minute and makes somebody (I assume) happy.

This is one of those 'small stuff' things that is really not worth sweating.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 07:30

Unsure I realised blokes or brothers would bother sending each other cards?

Think this is your mil angst not the Bil...?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 07:31

The 1950s implies the start of 'stepford' type and advertising.

How have you missed that?!

Kundry · 06/04/2014 08:58

MIL was not impressed when DH forgot a 2-year-old's birthday. Personally I wasn't convinced the child had noticed but apparently it was ALL MY FAULT

She then got me a birthday diary as a Christmas present. That was 2 years ago and I have just forgiven her (mainly because as I get to know her better I can see that she is lonely and her life is shit and none of her kids appreciate the attention she lavished on them)

I visited with my mum and accidentally on purpose raised the subject so my mum could tell her that wives did their side of the family and husbands theirs. My mum got a bit carried away and also went on to me being the higher earner and having the more responsible job. It was GREAT.

I love my mum Oh and the birthday diary is in the bin.

diddl · 06/04/2014 09:11

So what happened with BILs birthday cards/presents before you came on the scene, OP??!!

Why does acquiring a wife render some men incapable of doing stuff that they could do before??

mustbetimefortea · 06/04/2014 09:14

I used to do all the card and present shopping for xh's family. When we split I made it clear that he was now responsible for doing it for his side of the family. Needless to say nobody gets anything and it's down to xmil to train her son better.

missingwordsround · 06/04/2014 09:22

still laughing at the birthday diary and the e-mailed list of birthdays/calendars!

Polarn · 06/04/2014 09:22

I have been with dh for 10yrs and never done the cards/presents thing with his side. Now we have kids I would like to but I'm too embarrassed to ask when their birthdays are haha!

chicaguapa · 06/04/2014 09:24

I have the opposite problem. I buy and send all the cards as I really don't mind. But then MIL told me off for writing in hers and said she wanted DH to do it. So now he takes care of her cards and presents and I refuse to have anything to do with it secretly hoping he forgets one year.

eatyouwithaspoon · 06/04/2014 09:33

My MIL is the same I do my side DH is supposed to do his but normally fogets to write and send even if I buy him a card, I can feel the disaproval of me thick in the air!

Kundry · 06/04/2014 09:55

Best bit about the 'I do my side, you do yours rule' is that on my side I have to remember one person and on his he has to remember 10

MIL has realised that she brought up her boys to be incompetent though. It's also noticeable that her DD has the best career of the lot of them (despite not going to private school because she is a girl) but still feels she needs to do 99.9% of the housework even though her DH is a SAHD and she works full time .

Spinaroo · 06/04/2014 10:03

I agree to a point but your name will presumably be on the card as well, so I would have an interest in making sure it arrived. He is your family now too, so it's petty to assume the blood relative buys the card. This is nothing to do with what mil expects is the role of the wife, but your bil now thinks neither you nor dh could be bothered to write him a card. I often buy the cards for dh family and write them too.

Ellie36 · 06/04/2014 10:10

I buy the cards and stick them in front of the husband to write else his family wouldn't get them, to be fair I'm not sure they got them before I came along! I know I'd be hurt if I didn't receive a card so in my mind it is a small kindness that doesn't cost me anything. I may have a calendar on the kitchen wall with family/friends birthdays written down runs away before she can be lynched

Ellie36 · 06/04/2014 10:14

p.s YANBU though, it should be personal choice, I like card buying so that is why I do it but your MIL is being very interfering/overstepping in my view

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